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The 

Oscar  William  Blacknall  Collection 

Presented  by 

Shields  Mallette  Blacknall 

1928 


©17 


4 


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BILL     A  E  P, 


so    CALLED. 


A   .SIDE     SHOW 


OP  THE 


SOUTHERN    SIDE    OF  THE  WAR. 


a»f  1-C-- 


"I'm  a  good  Uniou  mau,  so-called ;  but  Til  be(  on  Dixie  as  loug  as  I've 
got  a  dollar," 


ILLUSTRATED     BY     M.     A.     SULLIVAN 


NEW    YORK: 
METROPOLITAN    RECORD    OFFICE. 

1866. 


ExTEEED,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1866,  by 

JOHN   MULLALY, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  South- 
ern District  of  New  York. 


CONTENTS. 


•♦• 


PAOB 


To  THE  Publisher,         •            •            .            .  ,                     5 

A  Card,         ,            .             .             .             .             ^  ^             ^g 

Bill  Arp  to  Abe  Lincoln,            .            .            .  ^                   28 

To  Mr.  Abe  Lincoln,              •             •             .             .  21 

Another  Letter  from  Bill  Arp  to  Mr.  Lincoln,    .  .            .24 

"  "  " 

Bill  Arp  on  Extortioners,             .             .             ,  ^                    gi 

Battle  cf  Rome— Official,      .....  35 
The  Militia  Officers  Reduced  to  Ranks,  and  Ordered  to  Savannah,       1 1 

The  Militia  Man  Returned,         .            .            .    -  ^                   ^(-^ 

A  Me.^sage  to  All  Folks,       .            .            ,            .  ^            g2 

Bill  Arp's  Letter  to  his  Old  Friend  Joe,             .  .       60 

The  Quartermaster's  Lament,           •            .            .  .            6Y 

Dodging  Around— Melancholy  Reflections,         .  .       72 

Letter  from  Bill  Arp,            .            .            ,            ,  ^            qq  ^' 

Bill  Arp,  the  Roman  Runagee,              ..            .  .            .84 
O 

J? 


4  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

His  Late  Trials  and  Adventures,       .            .  .    •  .            93 

BUI  Arp  to  the  Rebel,    .            .            .  .            .  .110 

Bill  Arp  Philosophizes  upon  the  War,  etc.,  .  .           114 

Bill  Arp  on  the  Currency,           .            .  .            .  .119 

Bill  Arp  Returns  to  the  Eternal  City,  and  Meets  his  Friend  Big 

John,  .  .  .  .  .  .  123 

Bill  Arp  Addresses  Artemus  Ward,        ....     132 

Bill  Arp  on  the  State  of  the  Country,  ...  139 

To  the  Chattanooga  Gazette,      .....     14Y 

Bill  Arp  Addresses  his  Constituents,  .  .  .  150 

BiU  Arp  to  his  Old  Friend,         .  '.  .  .  .151 

Bill  Arp  Addresses  the  Lebanon  Law  School,  and  Gives  his  own 

Sad  Experience,  .  .  .  .  .     >      166 

Bill  Arp  to  Mr.  Tammany  Hall,  .  .  .  .174 

Romance  of  the  War — A  True  Story,  .  .  .  182 

An  Enigma  (not  Praed's),  .....     202 


TO  THE  PUBLISHEE. 


TouES,  requesting  copies  of  my  humorous  letters 
for  publication,  is  before  me.  I  have  thought  that  they 
were  hardly  worthy  of  being  placed  before  the  public 
in  book  form.  At  the  time  they  were  written  they 
were  appreciated,  because  the  minds  of  the  people 
needed  relaxation  from  the  momentous  and  absorbino- 
interests  of  the  war.  The  fountain  of  thought  was 
tired,  and  these  were  its  rest.  The  humor  that  is  in 
them  was  entertaining  then,  for  it  was  pertinent  to 
the  occasion  that  provoked  it,  and  very  impertinent  to 
those  it  held  up  before  the  public  eye. 

I  do  not  think  that  such  humor  will  bear  the  wast- 
ing severity  of  time.  It  was  once  considered  spark- 
ling and  exhilarating,  but  like  good  wine  it  has 
become  stale  from  having  been  too  long  uncorked. 

Nevertheless,  these  letters  may  be  worthy  of 
preservation,  as  illustrative  of  a  part  of  the  war— as  a 


6  TO   THE   PUBLISHEE. 

side-show  to  the  Southern  side  of  it — an  index  to  our 
feelings  and    sentiments,  and  for  this  reason  only  I. 

£x  place  them  at  your  disposal.  I  must  request,  how- 
ever, that  in  compiling  them,  you  will  thoroughly  re- 
vise and  reconstruct  the  orthography.  When  I  began 
writing  under  the  signature  of  Bill  Arp,  I  was  hon- 
estly idealizing  the  language  and  humor  of  an  unlet- 
tered countryman  who  bears  that  name.  I  tried  to 
write  as  he  would,  could  he  have  written  at  all.  His 
earnest,  honest  wit  attracted  my  attention,  and  he  de- 
clares to  this  day  that  I  have  faithfully  expressed  his 
sentiments.  Those  who  know  him  can  see  more  of  him 
in  my  letters  than  they  can  of  me,  and  in  this  view  of 
my  labors  I  may  be  suspected  of  playing  Boswell  to 
an  uneducated  and  humorous  man,  whose  name  is  not 
Johnson,  but  Arp. 

Keflection  has,  however,  convinced  me  that  while 
good  taste  would  not  condemn  one  or  two  letters  for 
murdering  her  Majesty's  English,  yet  a  frequent  repe- 
tition of  the  offence  can  hardly  be  justified.  It  is  de- 
moralizing to  language.  The  truth  is,  no  mt  is  good 
wit  that  will  not  bear  to  be  correctly  written,  and 
I  therefore  direct  a  reconstruction  of  the  orthography, 
even  at  the  peril  of  ^h\  Arp's  reputation. 

For  the  sentiments  that  pervade   these  letters,  I 

^  have  no  apology  to  make.  At  the  time  they  appeared 
in  the  press  of  the  South,  these  sentiments  were  the 


TO   THE   PUBLISHER.  T 

silent  echoes  of  our  people's  thoughts,  and  this  ac- 
counts in  the  main  for  the  popularity  with  which  they 
were  received.  Of  course  they  contain  exaggerations, 
and  prophecies  which  were  never  fulfilled ;  but  both 
sections  Avere  playing  "  brag  "  as  well  as  "  battle,"  and 
though  we  could  not  compete  with  our  opponents  in 
the  former,  yet  some  of  us  did  try  to  hold  our  own. 
At  both  games  we  were  whipped  by  overwhelming 
forces,  and  we  have  given  it  up.  Conquered,  but  not 
convinced,  we  have  accepted  the  situation,  and  have 
pledged  ourselves  to  abide  by  it.  We  have  sworn  to 
do  so.  We  have  declared  it  most  solemnly  in  conven- 
tion. We  have  asserted  it  in  every  act  and  deed  ; 
and  Southern  honor,  whicli  our  enemies  cannot  appre- 
ciate, but  which  is  untarnished  and  imperishable,  is 
the  seal  of  our  good  faith.  Whoever  testifies  to  the 
existence  among  us  of  an  association  designing  a  re- 
newal of  the  rebellion,  is  either  the  victim  of  his  own 
cowardice,  or  else  the  author  of  a  selfish  and  heartless 
lie.  I  say  this  with  feeling  and  indignation,  for  we 
see  in  such  testimony  a  willingness,  nay,  a  desire  on 
the  part  of  our  military  rulers,  to  retain  over  us  their 
power  and  their  tyranny  for  malicious  or  avaricious 
ends.  We  have  long  felt,  and  we  still  are  feeling, 
their  insults,  their  black  mail,  their  robberies.  Ours  is 
the  stranded  ship,  and  the  Federal  officers  among  us 
are  the  wreckers  ;  ours  the  carcass,  and  they  the  vul- 


8  TO   THE   PUBLISHED. 

tures  wlio  are  picking  our  denuded  bones.  The  little 
that  was  left  our  people  is  seized,  and  released  on 
paying  a  part  into  private  pockets.  They  get  rich 
and  resign,  and  a  fresh  corps  of  vampires  take  their 
places,  to  renew  the  oj^eration.  I  have  even  known 
them  to  steal  by  night,  and  haul  aAvay  the  poor  pit- 
tance of  damaged  corn  that  aur  generous  (?)  Govern- 
ment had  stored  for  distribution  to  our  starving  poor. 
It  is  for  such  purposes  that  military  dominion  is  to  be 
continued.  Would  that  this  were  all !  But  not  con- 
tent with  even  this  exhaustion  of  our  scanty  means, 
they  are  annulling  our  contracts  made  with  the 
laborers  who  were  content  to  work  in  our  fields  for 
fair  wages,  and  are  tolling  them  off  to  parts  unknown 
under  false  pretences.  Our  ploughs  are  standing  in 
the  fields  idle,  our  farms  will  go  untilled,  and  the  land 
swarms  with  agents  who  are  bribing  the  poor  negroes 
away  under  promises  of  higher  wages,  and  under  the 
sanction  of  a  Bureau  as  rotten  as  the  promises  of 
Pharoah. 

Vce  victis.  But  still  we  abide  all  these  sad  results, 
and  look  upon  it  as  part  of  the  war,  and  in  keeping 
with  the  character  of  those  who  have  so  long  been  our 
enemies.  They  but  exhibit  the  animus  of  a  people 
whose  hate  and  avarice  induced  the  rebellion.  Such 
oppression  has  turned  from  them  almost  the  last  op- 
ponent of  secession,  and  caused  them  to  regret  that 


TO   THE   PUBLISHER.  9 

they  did  not  throw  their  lives  and  fortunes  into  the 
fight. 

Perhaps  this  is  all  for  the  best.  We  cannot  tell. 
"VYe  have  almost  ceased  to  philosophize  upon  it,  for  we 
have  no  time  to  think.  The  work  of  actual  recon- 
struction absorbs  our  time  and  cnero-ies.  I  mean  the 
reconstruction  of  our  individual  fortunes,  our  houses, 
our  fields  and  farms,  our  railroads,  manufactures, 
graveyards,  schools,  and  churches.  We  have  no  time 
to  stoj)  and  mourn  over  the  loss  of  liberty. 

But  I  can  find  time  to  ask.  What  has  the  North 
gained  by'  tlie  war?  What  princiiDles  have  been 
established?  What  great  or  vital  questions  have 
been  settled?  Is  the  sovereignity  of  a  State  forever 
annulled  ?  Then  let  Illinois  take  down  her  deceitful 
sign,  obliterate  her  great  seal  of  State,  and  choose 
another,  for  the  one  she  now  has  is  obsolete — an  eagle 
proudly  po8tured  under  a  scroll,  with  "  State  sover- 
eignty "  upon  it.  Is  it  the  freedom  of  slaves  that  has 
been  accomplished  ?  Alas  !  the  one  and  a  half  mill- 
ions who  have  perished  in  the  war,  are  certainly 
free ;  the  remainder  are  rapidly  realizing  the  same 
liberty,  or  finding  a  new  bondage  in  other  climes. 
Like  the  poor  Indian,  the  race  is  doomed,  and  the 
mighty  North  still  triumphs  in  the  glory  of  its  accom- 
plishment. But  I  will  not  speak  more  of  this.  To 
the  cliaritable  reader  let  me  say.  Forgive  me  if  you 
1* 


10  TO   THE   PUBLISHER. 

find  something  to  condemn  in  the  following  pages.  It 
T>^  is  not  in  my  heart  to  offend  a  good  man,  whether  he  live 
ITorth  or  South  ;  and  there  be  better  judges  than  I  of 
w^hat  should  have,  or  have  not  been  written.  It  may- 
be said  that  the  character  of  these  letters  has  no  ten- 
dency to  soften  the  animosities  engendered  by  the  late 
unhappy  strife.  I  can  only  answer,  that  it  is  not  in 
rebel  nature  to  be  humble  to  those  who  would  put  the 
heel  of  tyranny  upon  us.  Our  people  are  a  unit  upon 
the  moral  of  the  fight  they  made.  They  sincerely  feel 
that  the  provocation  of  the  war  was  not  of  their 
begetting.  Many  a  time  and  oft  have  men  and 
nations  been  conquered,  but  not  convinced.  The 
story  of  Ireland,  Poland,  and  the  "Hero  of  the  Lakes," 
has  been  often  reproduced,  to  illustrate  that  wrongs 
are  not  remedied,  nor  rights  secured,  by  wager  of 
battle.  John  Huss  suffered  martyrdom  for  that  which 
Luther  accomplished  a  century  later. 

While  mourning  the  loss  of  thousands  of  the 
noblest  of  our  race,  "s\thile  suffering  the  poverty  and 
desolation  with  which  our  conquerors  have  visited  us, 
while  memory  stings  with  the  rape  and  arson  which 
barbarians  under  arms  enforced  and  heartless  officers 
permitted,  it  is  not  in  human  nature  to  smother  re- 
sentment against  those  who  would  still  play  the  tyrant 
and  grind  us  into  dust. 

But  to  you,  kind  reader,  who  can  speak  gently  to 


TO   THE   PUBLISHEK.  11 

the  erring  (if  we  have  erred),  who  would  pour  oil 
upon  the  troubled  waters,  and  prefer  the  hand  of 
kindred  love,  let  me  say  that,  though  proudly  defiant 
of  our  enemies,  the  noble  manliness  of  our  peeple  will 
meet  you  cordially  at  the  first  sincere  effort  toward 
an  honorable  reconciliation.  Otherwise  we  will  close 
up  the  avenues  of  our  hearts,  and,  like  the  red  man  of 
the  forest,  transmit  our  bitterness  and  our  wrongs  as  a 
heritasje  to  our  children. 

Republicans,  Puritans,  Pharisees,  Saints — you  who 
were  suckled  with  songs  of  pity  for  the  charcoal  race, 
whose  hypocritical  sympathies  have  been  for  years 
playing  leap-frog  over  the  poverty  and  distress  around 
your  own  doors,  and  alighting  far  off  in  the  sunny 
laud;  who  have  seen  and  are  seeing  thousands  of 
your  dusky  pets  perishing  and  passing  away,  from 
the  lack  of  food  and  the  lust  of  freedom ;  you  whose 
morning  hymn  is,  "  I  love  my  love  with  a  B,  because 
he  is  black,"  and  whose  evening  prayer,  "  May  the 
Lord  send  freedom,  without  money  and  without 
price ; "  you  who  look  upon  our  people  as  a  race 
of  turbulent  devils,  and  a  foul  blot  upon  the  good 
name  of  the  land — to  you  I  commend  all  the  comfort 
that  you  can  find  within  these  pages.  Small  though 
this  volume  be,  it  will  nevertheless  save  you  the  ex- 
claiming, "  Oh  that  mine    adversary  had   written  a 

book  !  " 

CHAPvLES  H.  SMITH. 


In  regard  to  the  request  of  the  distinguished 
author,  as  to  the  reconstruction  of  the  orthography, 
we  have  only  to  say  that  we  have  done  our  best;  but 
if  Ave  have  not  always  succeeded,  it  must  be  attributed 
to  the  rebellious  character  of  the  language.  TTe  have 
tried  hard  to  make  it  "  harmonize "  with  the  strict 
rules  laid  down  by  Messrs.  Murray  and  Webster,  and 
trust  we  shall  be  acquitted  from  any  coTnplicity  in  the 
design  against  "  Her  Majesty's  English,"  if  in  some 
instances  the  "  spell "  has  not  been  altogether  broken. 
Editoe  of  the  Metropolitan  Recoed. 

Note. — Four  letters  of  the  series  appeared  first  in  the  "  Record," 
for  which  the  author  still  continues  at  intervals  to  write. 


BILL   ARP    IN   HIS   SANCTUM. 


BILL    ARP. 


-♦♦♦- 


A    CARD. 

The  suffering  Public  are  notified  that  I  have  opened 
an  office  at  No.  2  Broad  Street,  witli  the  professed  object 
of  estabUshing  a  business,  very  novel  in  its  nature,  but  the 
necessity  of  which  has  long  been  felt  in  this  community, 
and  never  so  much  so  as  at  this  time. 

I  propose  to  keep  continual  and  unremitting  Avatch 
upon  the  street,  and  in  the  countiog-rooms,  and  lawyers' 
offices,  and  elsewhere,  and  bring  immediate  relief  to  any 
person,  or  set  of  persons,  who  may  be  held  in  "  durance 
vile,"  or  in  any  way  be  imposed  upon  by  one  of  that  class 
commonly  called  the  "  Bores  of  Society."  By  the  aid  of 
calculus  and  other  hio-h  branches  of  mathematics,  I  have 
made  an  actual  calculation  of  the  number  of  hours  lost  by 
business  men  in  this  community,  by  reason  of  having  to 
ehow  unwilling  attention  to  unwelcome  visitors,  and  I  find 


14:  BILL   AKP. 

a  clear  loss  (at  ten  cents  an  hour)  of  $6,732.49  per  annum 
— whicli  amount  I  will  undertake  for  a  reasonable  compen- 
sation to  save. 

I  suppose  it  is  unnecessary  for  me  to  enlarge  in  this 
prospectus  upon  the  provoking  annoyance  of  being  com- 
pelled, through  courtesy,  to  endure  a  man^  when  your 
business  or  your  pleasure  makes  you  wish  him  a  thousand 
miles  away — which  annoyance,  if  estimated  in  dollars  and 
cents,  would  double  the  aforementioned  sum. 

I  therefore  proceed  to  show  how  I  will  release  the 
sufferer  without  giving  offence.  I  have  prepared  a  system 
of  signs,  winks,  and  blinks,  which  I  communicate  in  con- 
fidence to  my  patrons,  and  when  I  perceive  one  of  them 
detained  on  the  street  or  elsewhere  by  a  Bore,  I  will  time 
the  interview,  and  after  five  minutes  will  call  to  him  my- 
self, or  have  one  of  our  society  to  do  so,  and  say,  "  I  wish 
to  see  him  on  important  business  as  soon  as  he  gets 
through ; "  of  course  the  sufferer  can  then  have  an  excuse 
to  bring  the  conversation  to  a  sudden  close.  If  the  "  Bore  " 
is  reading  to  him  a  long  political  letter,  or  a  speech  in 
some  newspaper,  or  gi^'ing  a  history  of  how  they  did 
things  where  he  was  raised,  or  is  rehearsing  a  long  story 
preparatory  to  asking  a  loan  of  money,  or  security,  or  a 
little  ofiice,  or  some  official  influence,  I  will  manage  to 
catch  his  eye,  and  if  he  gives  me  the  sign,  or  the  wink  or 
the  blink,  I  will  have  him  called  off  abruptly.  If  a  dull 
preacher  shall  more  than  three  times  inflict  a  sermon  of 


m 


A  CAED.  15 

an  hour  and  a  half  upon  his  congregation,  I  will,  at  the 
fourth  time,  very  certainly  cut  off  the  last  half  hour  by 
having  one  of  ray  trained  subordinates  to  cry  "  Fire  "  in 
the  neiorhborhood  of  the  church. 

Should  the  doctors  of  this  city  come  into  my  plan,  I 
will  save  them  the  useless  expenditure  of  paying  confiden- 
tial negroes  to  call  them  out  of  church  during  service,  un- 
der pretence  that  they  are  professionally  wanted.  I  will 
have  them  called  out  myself  in  such  a  hasty  manner  as  to 
attract  very  general  attention. 

I  shall  keep  a  register  of  all  the  Bores  of  the  county — 
classifying  them  as  class  No.  1 — or  Bores  ^^per  se."  This 
class  are  Bores  everywhere  and  anywhere,  and  for  them 
there  is  no  hope  of  reform.  Class  No.  2 — or  Bores  "  Oc- 
casionaiy  This  class  are  capable  of  good  behavior,  and 
sometimes,  though  seldom,  are  guilty  of  it.  Class  No.  3 — 
or  Bores  "  Standant.^''  This  class  are  of  a  restless  nature, 
and  will  stop  you  on  the  street  and  stand  it  out  with  you. 
They  can  bore  twenty  men  in  a  day  without  wearying  the 
big  muscle  in  the  calf  of  the  leg.  Class  No.  4 — or  Bores 
"  Sittant.''^  This  is  the  most  disaojreeable  and  the  most 
numerous  class.  They  are  fond  of  fire  in  the  winter  and 
shade  in  the  summer,  and  will  sit,  and  set,  and  sot,  till 
your  chair-bottoms  will  sink  into  the  shape  of  an  oyster- 
shell.  I  shall  furnish  each  of  my  patrons  with  a  list  of 
these  Bores.  But  the  most  important  of  my  duties  will 
be  to  relieve  debtors  from  the  importunity  of  their  cred- 


16  BILL   AEP. 

itors.  There  are  various  modes  of  dunning,  varying  be- 
tween the  two  extremes  of  the  genteel  and  tlie  disgusting. 
There  is  a  class  who  will  sit,  and  wait,  and  hang  about 
you  like  a  nightmare,  when  perhaps  you  are  busy  with  a 
client  or  a  customer,  or  talking  to  a  friend — who  manages 
to  call  on  vou  at  the  most  disag-reeable  time — who  wiD 
carry  his  bill  in  his  left-side  pocket,  with  your  name  and 
the  dollars  and  cents  exposed  on  the  outside  of  the  bill — 
who  can  meet  vou  at  more  corners  and  crossino-s,  and  whose 
shadow  you  can  never  escape — who  will  sit  by  your  fire, 
and  even  put  on  more  wood,  to  show  that  he  came  to  be- 
siege you  till  he  got  money  or  blood — who,  wheu  told  you 
have  no  funds,  wants  to  know  lohen  you  will  have  some, 
and  continues  his  inquiries  to  your  utter  disgust — who  is 
wholly  unable  to  distinguish  a  sensitive  man  from  one  of 
hard  slate.  Such  Bores  I  stvle  Bores  "  G.,"  which  stands 
for  Gallinippers,  and  my  plan  is,  when  one  of  my  patrons 
is  so  bedevilled,  I  will  call  upon  the  suflerer  and  dun  hun 
tnyself,  gently,  for  a  dollar  or  so ;  and  if  he  tells  me  he  has 
no  change,  I  will  apologize  in  courteous  language  and 
manner  for  disturbing  him,  and  will  remai'k,  "  that  I  will 
wait  his  convenience  hereafter,  for  I  know  he  will  pay 
when  he  has  the  means."  I  will  retire,  and  if  the  Bore 
does  not  do  so  too  in  five  minutes,  I  will  return  and  seize 
him  by  the  nap  of  the  neck,  and  kick  him  out  of  doors. 
For  this  conduct  I  will  hold  myself  personally  responsible 
(having  already  fought  my  way  from  Northern  Europe  to 


A   CARD.  17 

tins  place) ;  but  if  tlie  grand  jury  should  make  any  memo- 
randum of  the  affair,  I  shall  expect  some  four  or  five  of 
my  patrons  to  be  near  the  court-house  at  Trial  term,  so 
that  they  may  accidentally  be  caught  on  the  jury.  To  ac- 
complish this  the  more  easily,  I  shall  take  the  clerk,  sher- 
iffs, and  judge  into  my  society  free  of  charge. 

The  above  is  the  general  programme.     For  the  details 
and  for  admission,  apply  to 

Dr.  HELLE  bore. 

No.  2  Broad  Street. 


BILL  ARP  TO  ABE  LINCOLN, 

KoME,  Geo.,  April,  1861. 
Mr.  Lincoln — 

Sir  :  These  are  to  inform  you  that  we  are  all  well,  and 
hope  these  lines  may  find  you  in  statu  quo.  We  received 
your  proclamation,  and  as  you  have  put  us  on  very  short 
notice,  a  few  of  us  boys  have  concluded  to  write  you,  and 
ask  for  a  little  more  time.  The  fact  is,  we  are  most  obliged 
to  have  a  few  more  days,  for  the  way  things  are  happen- 
ing, it  is  utterly  impossible  for  us  to  disperse  in  twenty 
days.  Old  Virginia,  and  Tennessee,  and  North  Carolina 
are  continually  aggravating  us  into  tumults  and  carous- 
ments,  and  a  body  can't  disperse  until  you  put  a  stop  to 
such  unruly  conduct  on  their  part.  I  tried  my  darn'dst 
yesterday  to  disperse  and  retire,  but  it  was  no  go;  and 
besides,  your  marshal  here  ain't  doing  a  darn'd  thing — he 
don't  read  the  riot-act,  nor  remonstrate,  nor  nothing,  and 
ought  to  be  turned  out.  If  you  conclude  to  do  so,  I 
am  authorized  to  recommend  to  you  Colonel  Gibbons  or  Mr. 
McClung,  who  would  attend  to  the  business  as  well  as  most 
anybody. 


BILL   AEP   TO   ABE   LINCOLN".  19 

The  fact  is,  tlie  boys  around  here  want  watching,  or 
they'll  take  something.  A  few  days  ago  I  heard  they 
surrounded  two  of  our  best  citizens  because  they  were 
named  Fort  and  Sumter.  Most  of  them  are  so  hot  that 
they  fairly  siz  when  you  pour  water  on  them,  and  that's 
the  way  they  make  up  their  mihtary  companies  here  now 
— when  a  man  applies  to  join  the  volunteers,  they  sprinkle 
him,  and  if  he  sizzes  they  take  him,  and  if  he  don't  they 
don't.  ,^ 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  privately  speaking,  I'm  afraid  I'll  get 
in  a  tight  place  here  among  these  bloods,  and  have  to  slope 
out  of  it,  and  I  would  like  much  to  have  your  Scotch  cap 
and  cloak  that  you  travelled  in  to  Washington.  I  suppose 
you  wouldn't  be  likely  to  use  the  same  disguise  again  when 
you  left,  and  therefore  I  would  propose  to  swap.  I  am 
five  feet  five,  and  could  get  my  plough  breeches  and  coat  to 
you  in  eight  or  ten  days  if  you  can  wait  that  long.  I  want 
you  to  mite  to  me  immediately  about  things  generally, 
and  let  us  know  where  you  intend  to  do  your  fighting. 
Your  proclamation  says  something  about  taking  possession"! 
of  all  the  private  property  at  "  All  Hazards."  We  can't 
find  no  such  a  place  on  the  map.  I  thought  it  must  be 
about  Charleston,  or  Savannah,  or  Harper's  Ferry,  but  they 
say  it  ain't  anywhere  down  South.  One  man  said  it  was  a 
little  factory  on  an  island  in  Lake  Champlain,  where  they 
make  sand-bags.  My  opinion  is,  that  sand-bag  business 
won't  pay,  and  it  is  a  gi-eat  waste  of  money.     Our  boys 


20  BELL    AEP. 

here  carry  tlieir  sand  in  tbeir  gizzards,  wtere  it  keeps 
better,  and  is  always  handy.  I'm  afi%id  your  Government 
is  giving  you  and  your  Kangaroo  a  great  deal  of  unneces- 
sary trouble,  and  my  humble  ad^dce  is,  if  things  don't  work 
better  soon,  you'd  better  grease  it,  or  trade  the  darn'd  old 
thing  off.  I'd  take  rails  or  any  thing  for  it.  If  I  could  see 
you,  I'd  show  you  a  sleight-of-hand  trick  that  would  change 
the  whole  concern  into  buttons  quick.  If  you  don't  trade 
or  do  something  else  with  it  soon,  it  will  spoil  or  die  on 
your  hands  certain. 

Give  my  respects  to  BiU  Seward  and  the  other  mem- 
bers of  the  Kangaroo.  "WTiat's  Hannibal  doing  ?  I  don't 
hear  any  thing  from  him  now-a-days. 

Yom*s,  with  care, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — If  you  can  possibly  extend  that  order  to  thirty 
days,  do  so.  "We  have  sent  you  a  check  at  Harper's 
Ferry  (who  keeps  that  darn'd  old  Ferry  now  ?  it's  giving 
us  a  heap  of  trouble),  but  if  you  positively  won't  extend, 
we'll  send  you  a  check,  drawn  by  Jeff.  Davis,  Beauregard 
endorser,  payable  on  sight  anywhere.     Yours, 

B.  A. 


TO  MR.    ABE  LINCOLN. 

Cextretille,  January  12,  1862. 
Mr.  Lincoln — 

Sir  :  In  the  spring  of  the  year  I  wrote  you  a  letter  from 
my  native  soil,  asking  for  a  httle  more  time  to  disperse.  I 
told  you  then  that  twenty  days  were  not  enough — that  the 
thino;  could  not  be  done  in  that  brief  internal.  You  can 
look  back  and  see  I  was  right.  "We  tried  our  durndest  to 
comply  w^th  your  schedule,  but  as  you  kept  calling  for  vol- 
unteers, our  Cherokee  Georgia  Democrats  kept  coming  out 
from  under  their  clay  roots.  They  shook  themselves  and 
spit  fire,  and  wouldn't  go  back  so  long  as  the  Whigs  would 
read  them  the  news  about  this  fuss. 

Mr.  Abe  Lincoln,  sir,  the  spring  has  shed  its  fragrance, 
the  summer  is  over  and  gone,  the  yellow  leaves  of  autumn 
have  covered  the  gTound,  old  Winter  is  slobbering  his  froth 
on  the  earth,  but  we  have  not  been  able  to  disperse  as  yet. 
Me  and  the  boys  started  last  May  to  see  you  personally,  \ 
and  ask  for  an  extension  of  your  brief  furlough,  but  we 
got  on  a  bust  in  old  Virginia,  about  the  21st  of  July,  and 
like  to  have  got  run  over  by  a  parcel  of  fellows  running 


22  .         BILL   ARP. 

from  Bull  Run  to  your  city.  After  that  we  tried  to  get  to 
you  by  tlie  Potomac  River,  but  Mr.  Whiting  said  you  were 
not  running  that  machine  at  these  presents.  We  next  went 
to  Mr.  Harper's  Ferry,  to  take  the  Baltimore  Railroad,  but 
we  couldn't  find  the  conductor,  and  cars  seemed  scarce, 
and  the  folks  said  you  were  not  running  that  machine 
much.  We  thought,  however,  to  take  a  deck  passage  on 
the  canal,  but  a  dam  had  broke  and  General  Jackson  said 
you  were  not  running  that  machine,  scarcely  any.  After 
all  that  we  came  back,  and  thought  we'd  get  Captain 
Wilkes  to  ship  us  over,  but  Mr.  Bennett  sent  us  word  that 
the  captain  had  quit  a  seafaring  life.  Mr.  Seward  made 
him  quit,  to  pacify  an  old  English  Bull  that  was  bellowing 
about  and  pawing  dirt  in  the  air.  Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  if  that 
Bull  is  of  the  same  stock  as  the  one  your  folks  saw  here  in 
July,  he  is  dangerous,  and  will  have  a  bad  effect  on  your 
population.  You  had  better  circumscribe  him  before  he 
hurts  somebody. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  what  are  your  factories  doing  now-a- 
days  ?  I  heard  you  had  quit  running  their  machines,  owing 
to  a  thin  crop  of  cotton.  If  you  would  put  sweet  oil  on  your 
factories,  they  wouldn't  rust  while  standing  idle.  I  was 
glad  to  hear  that  you  had  got  enough  cotton  to  do  yours 
and  Seward's  families.  The  boys  say  you  got  enough  to 
make  as  many  shirts  as  Falstaff  had  in  his  company. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  how  do  you  come  on  with  your  stone 
fleet — does  it  pay  expenses — is  it  a  safe  investment — could 


TO   MB.    ABE   LINCOLN.  23 

I  get  any  stock  in  it  at  a  fair  price  ?  Don't  you  think  it 
is  most  too  far  to  haul  rocks,  and  won't  it  impoverish  New 
England  soil  to  take  the  rocks  oflf  of  it  ? 

Mr.  Abe  Lincoln,  sir,  the  18th  is  the  anniversary  of  the 
day  when  Georgia  tore  herself  frantically  loose  from  the 
abohtion  dynasty — when  she  ripped  her  star  from  off  the 
striped  rag,  and  spread  a  new  shirting  to  the  breeze.  We 
calculate  to  celebrate  that  day,  and  I  am  authorized  to  in- 
vite you  and  Bill  Seward  over  to  partake  of  our  hospitali- 
ties. Where  is  Hamlin  ?  I  allow  that  he  is  dead,  or  I  >^ 
would  ask  him  too.  Let  me  know  if  you  and  Seward  are 
coming,  so  we  can  fix  up  and  swap  a  lie  or  two  with  you. 
Couldn't  you  all  come  along  with  Mack  when  he  makes 
that  advance  he  has  been  talking  about  so  long  ?  Bring 
your  knitting  with  you  when  you  come,  and  a  clean  shirt 
or  two.  Do  you  chaw  tobacco  ?  We  have  got  some  that 
is  good.  Ely  chawed,  and  Mr.  Da\a3  gave  him  a  whole 
warehouse  at  Richmond. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  I  wish  you  would  ask  Banks  to  send 
me  a  codfish.  Pole-cats  are  bad  around  here,  and  we  want 
something  to  drive  'em  away.  If  you  bring  Banks  and 
Picayune  Butler  with  you,  you  needn't  bring  the  cod. 

Yours,  till  death, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — Where  is  Fremont  ?     I  hear  he  has  gone  up  a    x. 
spout. 


ANOTHER  LETTER   FROM  BILL  ARP 
TO  MR.  LINCOLN. 

December  2,  1862. 
Mr.  Lincoln — 

Sir  :  A  poet  has  said  that  "  Time  untied  waiteth  for  no 
man."  To  my  opinion  it  is  untied  now  and  hastens  on  to 
that  eventful  period  which  you  have  fixed  when  Africa  is  to 
be  unshackled,  when  Niggerdom  is  to  feel  the  power  of 
your  proclamation,  when  Uncle  Tom  is  to  change  his  base 
and  evacuate  his  cabin,  when  all  the  emblems  of  darkness 
are  to  rush  fr'antically  forth  into  the  arms  of  their  deliverers, 
and  with  pei^med  and  scented  gratitude  embrace  your 
Excellency  and  Madam  Harriet  Beech er  Stowe  !  "What  a 
glorious  day  that  is  to  be  !  What  a  subUme  era  in  history  ! 
WTiat  a  proud  culmination  and  consummation  and  corrusca- 
tion  of  your  political  hopes  I  After  a  few  thousand  have 
clasped  you  in  their  ebony  arms  it  will  be  a  fitting  time,  Mr. 
Lincoln,  for  you  to  lay  yom'self  down  and  die.  Human  am- 
bition can  have  no  higher  monument  to  climb.  After  such 
a  work  you  might  complete  the  immortal  heroism  of  your 
character,  by  leaping  from  the  topmost  pinnacle  of  your  glory 
upon  the  earth  below. 


ANOTHER   LETTER   TO    MR.    LINCOLN.  25 


But  alas  for  liuman  folly — alas  for  all  sublunary  thing 
our  people  will  not  believe,  these  crazy  rebels  will  not  con- 
sider ;  Christmas  is  already  here,  only  one  more  brief  week 
to  slide  away  before  we  must  part,  forever  part,  with  all  our 
negro  heritage,  and  yet  our  stubborn  people  continue  to 
buy  and  sell  them,  and  the  shorter  the  lease,  the  higher  the 
price  they  are  paying.  What  infatuation !  I  do  verily  be- 
Heve  they  will  keep  up  their  old  ways  until  next  Wednes- 
day night,  just  as  though  they  did  not  have  to  give  them  all 
up  the  next  morning  before  breakfast.  Some  say  the  stay 
law  affects  the  niggers  and  will  operate  to  make  them  stay 
at  home — some  say  you  have  not  got  transportation  nor 
rations  for  four  millions  of  darkeys — some  say  your  call  is 
premature ;  but  the  majority  are  of  the  opinion  that  a 
little  diflSculty  you  met  at  Fredericksburg  has  interfered 
with  your  aiTangements,  and  extended  the  time  like  a  sine 
die. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  I  forewarned  you  about  crossing  those 
sickly  rivers.  The  Lee  side  of  any  shore  is  unhealthy  to 
your  population ;  keep  away  from  those  Virginia  water- 
courses, go  around  them  or  under  them,  but  for  the  sake  of 
economy  don't  try  to  cross  them.  It  is  too  hard  upon  your 
burial  squads  and  ambulance  horses. 

Mr.   Lincoln,   sir,   when  is  this  war  to  close  ?     How 

much    longer  can   you  renew  your  note   of  ninety  days 

which  you  said  was  time  enough  to  settle  this  difiBculty — 

do  you  pay  the  interest  ?     How  much  territory  have  you 

2 


26  BILL    AEP. 

subjugated — what  makes  cotton  sell  at  67  cents  a  pound 
in  your  diggins — is  it  not  awful  scarce — what  do  your 
bony  women  do  for  stuffing  and  padding  ?  I  heard  they 
had  to  use  hay  and  saw-dust  and  such  like,  and  I  thought 
it  must  be  very  painful  to  their  tender  bosoms  to  have  to 
resort  to  such  scarce  commodity  ;  I  would  like  to  send  you 
a  bale,  but  Governor  Brown  would  seize  it.  It  is  said  by 
many  that  the  war  is  about  to  close  because  of  the  Govern- 
or's late  raid  on  leather — they  say  the  war  begun  with  a 
John  Brown  raid  in  Virsfinia,  and  will  end  with  a  Joe 
Brown  raid  in  Georgia — I  allow  not,  for  I  thmk  the  Gov- 
ernor only  took  that  way  of  getting  the  State  rid  of  its 
surplus,  for  he  wanted  to  drive  it  into  the  adjoining  States 
where  things  were  scarcer.  I  would  like  to  see  you  per- 
sonally, Mr.  Lincoln,  and  hear  you  talk  and  tell  some  of 
your  funny  anecdotes,  like  you  told  Governor  Morehead. 
I  laughed  when  I  read  them  till  the  tears  fairly  rained 
from  ray  eyelids — I  know  I  could  make  my  fortune,  Mr. 
Lincoln,  compiling  your  wit.  May  I  be  your  Boswell,  and 
follow  you  about  ? 

But  fare  thee  well,  my  friend,  and,  before  you  cross  an- 
other Rubicon,  I  ad\dse  you,  in  the  eloquent  language  of 
Mr.  Burke,  "  consider,  old  cow,  consider." 

Yours,  till  death, 

BILL  AEP. 

P.  S. — Give  my  respects  to  Johnny  Van  Buren  ;  I 
heard  you  and  him  were  mighty  thick  and  affectionate. 

B.  A. 


ANOTHER  LETTER  FROM  BILL  ARP 
TO  MR,  LINCOLN, 

Mr.  Lincoln — 

Sir  :  Is  it  not  possible  that  you  are  using  too  mucli 
proclamation  ?  More  than  eighteen  months  ago  you  pub- 
lished an  edict,  ordering  the  boys  to  retire  and  be  peacea- 
ble, but  they  disretired  and  went  to  fighting.  The  efiect 
was  bad,  very  bad.  Now  you  have  proclaimed  the  negroes 
free  after  January,  and  I  am  afraid  it  will  prove  a  fee- 
simple  title  for  all  time. 

Every  free  negro  will  get  in  the  cotton-patch  now,  sure ; 
for  the  tarnal  rebels  do  every  thing  by  contraries.  Negroes 
have  risen  twenty  per  cent.,  and  are  growing  darker  and 
blacker  every  day.  A  big  plantation  now  looks  like  the 
sun  was  in  an  eclipse.  Your  proclamation  has  entailed 
Africa  upon  us  so  strong  that  you  can  actually  smell  it. 
Tippio  says  (we  call  him  Tip  for  short)  that  he  is  person- 
ally interested,  and  he  thinks  you  had  better  make  them 
fi-ee  first  and  issue  your  proclamation  afterwards.  General 
Hunter  tried  it  your  ^v^ay,  and  over-cropped  himself.  Tip 
got  no  free  papers  at  all. 


28  BILL   AEP. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  I  am  afraid  you  are  taking  in  more 
ground  than  you  can  tend.  You  are  trying  to  do  too 
mucli  at  once.  General  Hunter  tried  your  plan  and 
couldn't  work  it  over  three  States,  so  you  had  better  prac- 
tise on  homoeopathic  doses.  If  you  will  begin  on  Dade 
County  you  can  tell  what  your  machine  will  do.  as  there  is 
but  one  nigger  there,  and  they  keep  him  in  a  cage  as  a 
cmiosity.  If  they  will  not  accept  your  freedom,  why,  let 
them  alone.  It  is  useless  to  call  them  if  they  won't  come. 
I  once  heard  a  fellow  in  a  theatre  say  he  could  call 
spirits  from  the  nasty  deep,  but  the  spirits  never  come  and 
he  got  nary  drink — so  go  it  gently,  Mr.  Lincoln,  but  go  it 
sure.  The  world,  the  flesh,  and  the  devil  are  looking  to 
you  to  extend  the  aegis  of  freedom  over  all  creation — over 
things  animate  and  inanimate — over  bull  bats  and  screech- 
owls,  grub-worms  and  grindstones,  niggers  and  alligators, 
and  every  thing  that  don't  spill  as  the  earth  turns  upside 
down.  You  will  have  a  free  fight,  Mr.  Lincoln,  in  doing 
all  this,  but  never  mind — pitch  in — great  is  your  reward. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  it  is  amazing  to  think  what  a  big  job 
you  have  undertaken.  It  is  a  big  job,  sure.  Matthy 
Matties  nor  his  daddy  couldn't  figure  out  how  long  it  will 
take  you  to  get  through  according  to  your  feeble  progress. 
The  double  rule  of  three  won't  touch  it,  nor  tare  and  tret. 
Great  Bethel !  what  a  power  of  work !  Had  you  not 
better  sublet  the  contract  to  some  European  nations  ? 
Sure  as  you  are  born  you  will  need  a  heap  of  iindertakers 


AIsOTHER   LETTEli   TO   MK.    LINCOLN.  29 

before  you  finisli  your  overland  marcli.  If  you  could 
marcli  like  Jackson  it  would  do,  but  you  can't.  Dr. 
Battey  says  that  Jackson's  troops  take  tlie  gout  if  tbey  rest 
twenty-four  hours. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  our  people  get  more  stubborn  every 
day.  They  go  mighty  near  naked,  and  say  they  are  saving 
their  Sunday  clothes  to  wear  after  we  have  Avhipped  you. 
They  just  glory  in  living  on  half  rations,  and  stewing  salt 
out  of  their  smoke-house  dirt.  They  say  they  had  rather 
fight  you  than  feed  you,  and  swear  by  the  ghost  of  Calhoun 
they  will  eat  roots  and  drink  branch-water  the  balance  of 
tune  before  they  will  kernowly  to  your  abolition  dynasty. 
Chickahominy  !  w^hat  a  job  you  have  undertaken!  Does 
Hannibal  help  you  any  ?  I  hear  tell  that  he  just  set  in  the 
corner  of  your  office  all  day  long,  and  never  said  a  word 
but  nigger,  nigger,  nigger,  and  that  since  your  proclamation 
his  face  has  turned  darker  and  his  hair  more  kinky. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  have  you  any  late  news  from  Mr. 
Hai-pev's  FeiTy  ?  I  heard  that  Stone  W.  Jackson  kept  the 
parole  for  a  few  days,  and  that  about  fourteen  thousand 
crossed  over  in  twenty -four  hours.  He  is  a  smart  ferryman, 
sure.  Do  your  folks  know  how  to  make  it  pay  ?  It  is  a 
bad  crossing,  but  I  suppose  it  is  a  heap  safer  than  BaU's 
Bluff  or  Sheppardstown.  These  are  dangerous  fords,  Mr. 
Lincoln,  sure,  and  I  am  afraid  if  your  folks  keep  crossing 
such  sickly  rivers  as  the  Potomac  and  Chickahominy,  you 
will  have  all  the  scum  of  your  population  killed  up,  and 
you  will  have^to  encroach  on  your  good  society. 


30  BILL    AEP. 

Mr.  Lincoln,  sir,  your  generals  don't  travel  the  right 
road  to  Richmond  nohow.  The  way  they  have  been 
trying  to  come  is  through  a  mighty  Longstreet,  over  two 
powerful  Hills,  and  across  a  tremendous  Stonewall.  It 
would  be  safer  and  cheaper  for  'em  to  go  around  by  the 
Rocky  Mountains,  if  spending  time  in  military  excursions 
is  their  chief  object. 

But  I  must  close  this  brief  epistle.  I  feel  very  gloomy, 
Mr.  Lincoln,  about  this  destructive  war,  and  have  no  heart 
to  write  much.  As  General  Byron  said,  "  I  ain't  now  what 
I  used  to  was,  and  my  spirits  are  fluttering,  faint,  and  low." 

Yours,  till  death, 

BILL  ARR 


P.  S. — How  is  Bill  Seward  ?  I  heard  that  a  mad  dog 
bit  him  the  other  day,  and  the  dog  died  immediately.  Is 
it  a  fact  ?  B.  A. 


BILL  ARP  ON  EXTORTLONERS, 

Mr.  Editor  : 

I  have  of  late  been  home  to  the  sunny  South,  where  I 
reasonably  expected  the  embraces  of  my  friends  and  the 
civilities  of  numerous  acquaintances.  I  did  not  assume  the 
usual  airs  of  a  returned  soldier,  but  was  the  same  humble 
individual  I  was  before  the  war  and  the  mumps  and 
measles  broke  out.  I  conversed  generally  about  the  boys 
and  the  sutlers,  and  the  Tiger  Rifles,  and  did  not  allude 
on  no  occasion  to  my  intimacy  with  General  Johnston 
and  Toombs  and  such  like. 

The  Home  Guard  frequently  asked  me  why  General 
Johnston  did  not  fight  more  and  retreat  less,  and  when  was 
I  going  back,  and  what  so  many  came  home  for.  I  con- 
sidered some  of  their  questions  very  impertinent.  The 
Guard  are  the  talking  part  of  a  smart  army,  who  are  going 
to  the  war  when  it  becomes  actually  necessary.  From 
their  casual  remarks,  I  inferred  they  looked  on  us  boys  in 
the  service  as  the  pickets  and  outposts,  while  they  themselves 
were  the  grand  Bonaparte  Reserve  that  were  chafing  and 
chewing  their  bits,  and  getting  ready  to  fianh  something. 


32  BILL   ARP. 

For  an  occupation,  most  of  them  have  engaged  in  the 
extortion  business  of  one  sort  or  another — playing  home 
sutler  to  the  soldiers'  wives  and  children.  Thej  Jlanked 
me  in  double  quick,  and  though  my  time  was  not  out,  I 
was  constrained  to  depart  those  coasts  prematurely  for  fear 
of  being;  a  desolated  victim  of  extortion.  I  suffered  most 
pitiful  in  every  contact.  Having  undertook  to  recruit  my 
family  supplies,  my  pocket  book  looked  Hke  an  elephant  had 
trod  on  it  before  I  was  half  through.  It  took  three  months' 
pay  to  buy  a  pair  of  shoes  and  a  fine-tooth  comb.  Shoeing 
and  shirting  and  hatting  the  children  was  indefinitely  post- 
poned, and  I  quit  those  regions,  leaving  my  wife  wearing 
my  old  boots,  and  my  boys  dropping  corn  for  an  extor- 
tioner at  three  cents  an  acre.  Jake  said  he  was  a  little 
rebel  and  wouldn't  do  it ;  the  last  I  saw  of  him  he  was 
digging  bait.  I  say  it  with  pride  and  satisfaction  that  my 
wife  is  an  industrious  and  managing  woman.  She  said  she 
could  squeeze  out  a  hving  until  blackberries  come,  if  they 
come  early,  and  then  she  was  safe  for  a  month  longer.  If 
any  woman  can  she  can,  but  it  will  be  nip  and  tuck. 

The  rolhnof  wheels  of  time  and  the  cars  brougrht  me 
once  more  to  the  city  of  Richmond,  where  I  stopped 
awhile  to  look  around  and  feel  of  the  public  pulse.  Cal- 
culating on  being  elected  captain  of  my  company  at  the 
reoro-anization,  I  thouo-ht  I  would  look  at  a  uniform.  I 
called  at  the  big  store,  and  priced  a  set,  and  was  asked  one 
hundred  and  ninetv-two  dollars  for  coat  and  breeches ; 


5n  extortioners.  33 

^vhereupon  I  retired.  Finding  I  could  do  uo  better,  I 
"went  back  next  day  to  leave  my  dimensions,  but  found 
they  had  riz  to  ttoo  hundred.  I  retired  again  and  went 
straight  to  my  camp.  It  all  turned  out  right,  for  when  the 
time  come,  I  wasn't  elected,  and  I  am  still  shedding  out  my 
patriotism  at  eleven  dollars  a  month.  There  is  not  much  mar- 
gin for  extortion  on  the  Government  at  that  price,  I  reckon. 

It  seems  utterly  impossible  to  get  the  extortioners  in 
the  ranks.  Governor  Brown  thought  he  would  put  some 
of  'em  to  the  useful  art  of  bullet-stopping,  so  he  called  for  a 
draft.  Enough  of  the  patriotic  responded,  and  there  was 
no  draft.  But  it  give  'em  a  powerful  scare,  and  developed 
more  rheumatics  and  chronics  than  was  thought  possi- 
ble to  exist  in  a  limestone  country.  The  doctors  had 
oceans  of  fun  examining  the  candidates  for  invalid  honors. 
"Well,  after  the  fourth  of  March,  they  generally  recovered 
and  went  to  extortioning  again,  and  continued  until  Con- 
gress passed  the  Conscript  Bill,  when  they  collapsed  imme- 
diately, and  all  the  invisible  diseases  returned.  The  doctors 
are,  however,  refusing  to  give  'em  certificates,  and  the  fun  is 
equal  to  a  circus.  They  are  now  bidding  high  on  sub- 
stitutes, and  will  get  'em,  so  I  don't  see  much  chance  to 
stop  these  vampires  from  pursuing  their  occupation.  If 
they  could  all  be  got  in  one  regiment  and  put  in  the  front 
ranks,  with  old  Stonewall  behind  'em,  so  they  couldn't 
rcnig,  wouldn't  old  rheumatics  and  chronics  and  two  per 
cent,  sing  "  farewell,  vain  world." 
2* 


34:  BILL    ARP. 

But  tliey  will  catch  it  in  the  long  rim.  A  spiritual 
medium  in  our  camp,  says  as  how  old  Lucifer  is  preparing 
a  factory  to  make  double  distilled  torment  for  traitors  and 
extortioners.  He  has  got  his  apparatus  and  chemicals  all 
ready,  and  is  only  waiting  for  the  carcasses  of  a  few  more, 
to  use  in  his  furnaces  in  place  of  soap-stone.  He  now  has 
a  side  show  of  Vampires,  and  Hyenas,  and  Gorillas,  to 
suck  'em,  and  gnaw  'em,  and  chaw  'em.  This  torment  manu- 
factory for  extortioners  and  traitors  is  no  romantic  idea. 
More  than  a  centmy  ago,  an  eloquent  and  prophetic  poet 
wrote — 

"  Is  there  not  some  secret  curse,  red  with  immortal  wrath, 
Some  frenzied  anguish,  some  Yesuvian  fire, 
Some  torment  thrice  distilled,  seething  for  him 
Who  builds  his  greatness  on  his  coimtry's  ruin  ?  " 

^     I  think  so — of  course.     Farewell  for  the  present, 

Yours  truly, 

BILL  ARP. 


BATTLE  OF  ROME—OTFICIAL, 

Rome,  Ga.,  J/ay,  1863. 
Messrs.  x\dair  &  Smith  : 

So  many  unreliable  persons  will  be  circulating  spurious 
accounts  of  the  "Grand  rounds"  took  by  the  infernal 
Yankees  in  these  RoMEantic  regions,  that  I  think  it  highly 
proper  you  should  git  the  strait  of  it  from  one  who 
seen  it  with  his  eyes,  and  heard  it  with  his  years,  and 
a  piece  of  it  fell  on  his  big  toe. 

More  than  two  hundred  years  ago,  General  D.  Soto 
had  a  bis:  fig-ht  with  the  Indians  on  or  about  these  con- 
secrated  grounds.  Since  that  time  an  uninterrupted 
f>eace  has  rained  around  these  classic  hills  and  hollows. 
Flowers  have  bloomed  sweetly,  lambs  have  skipped  about, 
dog  fennel  has  yallered  the  ground,  and  the  Coosa  River, 
which  was  then  but  a  little  spring  branch,  has  grown  both 
wide  and  deep,  until  now  the  majestic  steamboat  can 
float  upon  its  bosom,  and  the  big  mud  cat  gobble  up 
the  earth  worms   that  chance  to  fall  into  its  waters. 

But  rolling  years  will  change  a  programme  !  Anno 
domiui  will  tell.      Just  before  the  break  of  day  on  Sunday 


36  BILL   ARP. 

the  third  of  May,  1863,  the  citizens  of  the  Eternal  City 
were  aroused  from  their  slumbers  "with  the  chorus  of  the 
Marseilles  hymn.  "  To  arms,  to  arms  ye  brave ;  Abe  Lin- 
coln is  pegging  away ;  the  Yankees  are  riding  to  Rome  on 
a  raid."  Ah  !  then  was  the  time  to  try  men's  souls ;  but 
there  was  no  panic,  no  skedaddling,  no  shaking  of  knees ; 
but  one  universal  determination  to  do  something.  The 
burial  squad  organized  first  and  foremost,  and  began 
to  inter  their  money,  and  spoons,  and  four-pronged  forks, 
and  such  like,  iu  small  graves  about  the  premises.  Babies 
were  sent  to  the  rear.  Horses  hid  in  the  cane-brake. 
Cows  milked  uncommonly  dry.  Cashiers  and  bank 
agents  carried  off  their  funds  in  a  pair  of  saddle  bags, 
which  very  much  exposed  their  facilities  and  the  small 
compass  of  their  resources.  It  was,  however,  a  satisfactory 
solution  of  their  refusing  to  discount  for  the  last  three 
months.  Scouts  were  sent  out  on  every  road  to  snuff  the 
tainted  breeze.  Cotton  bags  were  piled  up  across  every 
high  way  and  low  way.  Shot  guns  and  cannon,  powder 
and  ball,  were  brought  to  the  front.  The  yeomanry  and 
the  militia  joined  a  squad  of  Confederate  troops,  and 
formed  in  line  of  battle.  They  were  marched  across  the 
Oostanaula  River,  and  then  the  plank  of  the  bridge  torn 
up  so  that  they  couldn't  retreat.  This  was  done,  however, 
at  their  own  valiant  request,  because  of  the  natural  weak- 
ness of  the  flesh.  They  determined  jointly  and  severally 
firmly  by  these  presents  to  do  something. 


BATIXE    OF   EOME — OFFICIAL.  37 

Two  cracked  cannon,  that  had  holes  in  the  ends,  and 
two  or  three  in  the  sides,  were  propped  up  between  the 
cotton  bags,  and  pointed  strait  down  the  road  to  Alabama. 
They  were  first  loaded  with  buckshot  and  tacks,  and 
then  a  round  ball  rammed  on  top.  Tlie  ball  was  to  take 
the  raid  in  the  front,  and  the  bullets  and  tacks  to  rake  'em 
in  the  flank.  These  latter  it  was  supposed  would  go 
through  the  cracks  in  the  side,  and  shoot  around  generally. 
Ever3^body  and  every  thing  determined  to  die  in  their  tracks 
or  do  something.  The  steamboats  dropped  quietly  down  the 
river,  to  get  out  of  the  thick  of  the  fight.  The  sharpshooters 
got  on  top  of  cemetery  hill  with  their  repeaters  and  pocket 
pistols.  The  videttes  dashed  with  their  spy  glasses  to  the 
top  of  the  court-house  to  see  afar  ofll  Dashing  Ca- 
mancha  couriers  rode  uninily  steeds  to  and  fro  like  a  fid- 
dler's elbow.  Some  went  forward  to  reconnoitre  as  scouts  ; 
first  in  the  road  and  then  out  of  the  road  ;  some  mounted, 
and  some  on  foot.     All  were  resolved  to  do  something. 

At  this  critical  juncture,  and  previous  and  afterw'ards, 
reports  were  brought  into  these  headquarters,  and  all  other 
quarters,  to  the  effect  that  10,000  Yankees  were  coming, 
and  5,000,  and  2,000,  and  any  other  number;  that  they 
were  ten  miles  from  town,  and  six  miles,  and  two  miles,  and 
any  other  number  of  miles ;  that  they  were  on  the  Ala- 
bama road,  and  the  Cave  Spring  road,  and  the  river  road, 
and  any  other  road ;  that  they  were  crossing  the  river  at 
Quinn's  ferry,  and  Williamson's  ferry,  and  Bell's  ferry,  and 


38  BILL    AEP. 

any  other  feny ;  that  tliey  had  taken  the  steamboat 
"  Laura  Moore,"  and  "  Cherokee,"  and  "  Alfaratta,"  and 
any  other  steamboat ;  that  they  had  shot  a  Camancha 
courier,  and  had  hit  him  in  the  coat  tail,  or  his  horse's  tail, 
or  any  other  tail ;  that  they  had  seized  Cis  Morris,  Bill 
Morris,  or  Jep  Morris,  or  any  other  Morris.  In  fact,  a 
man  could  hear  any  thing  by  going  about,  and  more  too. 

Sure  enough,  however,  the  important  crisis  which  was 
to  have  arrived  did  actually  arrive,  about  ten  o'clock  in 
the  morning  a.  m.  on  May  the  3d,  1863.  I  am  thus  particu- 
lar, Mr.  Editor,  because  it  is  to  be  entered  on  next  year's 
almanac  as  a  remarkable  event.  The  head  of  the  raid  did 
actually  arrive  at  the  suburban  villa  of  Mr.  Myers,  and  there 
it  stopped  to  reconnoitre.  There  they  learned  that  we  had 
six  hundred  head  of  artillery,  and  six  thousand  cotton  bags, 
and  a  permiscuous  number  of  infantry  tactics,  and  we  were 
only  waiting  to  see  the  whites  of  their  eyes.  Also  that  the 
history  of  General  Jackson  at  New  Orleans  was  read  in 
public,  and  that  everybody  was  inspired  to  do  something  ; 
whereupon  the  head  of  the  raid  turned  pale,  and  sent  for- 
ward a  picket.  At  this  auspicious  moment  a  foot  scout  on 
our  side  let  fly  a  whistling  bullet,  which  took  efl'ect  some- 
where in  those  regions.  It  was  reasonably  supposed  that 
one  Yankee  was  killed,  and  perhaps  two,  for  even  to  this 
time  some  thingdead  can  be  smelt  in  those  parts,  though 
the  burial  squad  had  not  been  able  to  find  it  up  to  a  late 
hour  yesterday.     After  right  smart  skirmishing,  the  head 


BATTLE   OF    ROME OFFICIAL.  39 

of  the  raid  fell  back  down  the  road  to  Alabama,  and  were 
pursued  by  our  mounted  yeomanry  at  a  respectable  distance. 

Now,  Mr.  Editor,  while  all  these  valiant  feats  were  going 
on  hereabouts.  Gen.  Forrest  had  been  fighting  the  body  and 
tail  of  the  raid  away  down  at  the  Alabama  line.  Finally 
he  proposed  to  the  raid  to  stop  fighting,  and  play  a  game 
or  two  of  poker,  under  a  cedar  tree,  which  they  accepted. 
But  the  G-eneral  was  not  in  luck,  and  had  a  poor  hand,  and 
staked  his  last  dollar.  The  Yankees  had  a  Strait,  which 
would  have  taken  Forrest  and  raked  down  the  pile,  but  he 
looked  'em  right  in  the  eye  and  said  "  he  would  see  ^em  and 
4,000  better.''^  The  Raid  looked  at  him  and  he  looked  at 
the  Raid,  and  Tiever  blinked.  The  Raid  trembled  all  over  in 
his  boots,  and  gave  it  up.  The  General  bluffed  ''em,  and 
ever  since  that  game  was  played  the  little  town  close  by 
has  been  called  "  Cedar  Bluff. ^^  It  w^as  flush  times  in  Ala- 
bama, that  day,  sure. 

Well,  Mr.  Editor,  you  know  the  sequel.  The  General 
bagged  'em  and  brought  'em  on.  The  planks  were  put 
back  on  the  bridge.  The  river  bank  infantry  countermarch- 
ed and  fired  a  promiscuous  volley  in  token  of  jubilee.  One 
of  the  side  wiping  cannon  went  off  on  its  own  hook,  and 
the  ball  went  dead  through  a  house  and  tore  a  bureau  all 
to  flinders.  Some  said  it  was  a  Nitre  Bureau,  but  a  pot- 
ash man  who  examined  said  he  reckoned  not,  for  there  was 
no  ashes  in  the  drawers,  nor  nary  ash  hopper  on  the  prem- 
ises. 


40  BILL    AKP. 

By  and  by,  the  Camanclia  scouts  and  pickets  all  came  in, 
and  sLook  their  ambrosial  locks  and  received  the  congratu- 
lations  of  their  friends.  Then  beo;un  the  ovation  of  fair 
women  and  brave  men  to  Gen.  Forrest  and  his  gallant  boys. 
Bouquets  and  tears  were  mixed  up  promiscuous.  Big 
hunks  of  cake  and  gratitude  were  distributed  generally  and 
frequent.  Strawberries  and  cream,  eggs  and  onions,  pies 
and  pancakes,  all  flew  round  amazingly,  for  everybody  was 
determined  to  do  something.  Gen.  Forrest  subsided,  and 
Gen.  Jubilee  took  command,  and  Eome  was  herself  again. 
The  4  pronged  forks  and  silver  spoons  arose  from  the  dead, 
and  even  the  old  hen  that  one  of  our  city  aldermen  had 
buried  with  her  head  out,  was  disinterred  and  sacrificed 
immediately  for  the  good  of  the  country. 

Thus  has  ended  the  raid,  and  no  loss  on  our  side.  How- 
soever, I  suppose  that  Mr.  Lincoln  will  keep  "  pegging  away." 

Yours,  truly  and  immensely, 

BILL  AKP, 

Adjective  General  of  Yeomanry. 


^<^J^.# 


WILL 


s-^V 


GEN.    FORREST. 


p.  40. 


THE  MILITIA  OFFICERS  BED  TIG  ED  TO 
BANKS,  AND  OBDEBED  TO  SA  VAN 
NAH. 

The  following  is  the  substance  of  an  interview  between  a 
*'  Reduced  "  and  a  potash  man.  It's  liard  to  tell  who  is 
ahead. 

Potash. — What's  the  matter,  Big  John  ? 

Reduced  Aid. — Why,  nothing  particular,  only  it's 
darned  curious.  How  in  the  dickens  can  Joe  Brown  re- 
duce a  Major  to  a  private,  when  he  hasn't  done  any  thing  ? 
What  sort  of  an  army  regulation  do  you  call  that  ?  Joe 
Brown's  new  tactics,  I  reckon.  Double  barrel  shot  gun, 
blanket,  haversack,  Beauregard,  and  all  that  sort  of  non- 
sense. Somebody's  a  fool — a  h — 1  of  a  fool — and  I  reckon 
it's  me.  I  wasn't  subject  nohow.  It's  now  the  rise  of  42 
years  since  I  come  into  this  cursed  old  world,  but  I  thought 
the  Confederacy  would  be  calling  'em  up  to  45  before  long, 
so  I  took  roundence  and  fiido'ed  on  'em  and  manao-ed  to 
get  on  one  of  their  ding'd  old  staffs.  Fat  and  slick  ;  I 
reckon  I  was  about  the  last  one  to  get  on — no  chance  to 
holler  "  fat  and  go  last." 


42  BILL    AEP. 

Dura  tlie  staff  and  Joe  Brown  too.  He  played  smash 
amazingly,  wiitiug  pages  against  conscription.  I  tliougM 
from  the  way  lie  pitched  into  Jeff  Dslyis  about  tiying  to 
enroll  his  militia  officers,  that  we  wouldn't  have  to  fight 
nothing  for  the  next  twenty-five  years.  Now,  you  see,  he's 
conscripted  the  whole  concern  himself,  all  at  once,  in  a 
pile,  and  reduced  'em  all  to  the  ranks.  He's  a  devil  of  a 
Governor — Commander-in-Chief.  Blame  his  old  hide  of 
him;  I'll  bet  he  don't  appear  at  Sav^annah,  not  him. 
Durned  if  I  don't  go  anywhere  he'll  risk  ki^  carcass.  Not 
him. 

He  turns  us  all  over  to  old  Bory,  and  old  Bory  will 
fight,  dog'd  if  he  don't.  He'll  put  just  such  fellows  as  me 
in  the  front  ranks,  where  David  put  Goliah,  and  some  of 
them  whistling  bullets  or  singing  bombs  will  take  my  old 
gizzard,  kerchunk.  ^ 

Potash. — ^Well,  but  John,  he  ain't  going  to  keep  you 
but  a  httle  while. 

Reduced. — "Little  while!  Little  wLile  !  "  you  say. 
Bet  my  ears  if  old  Bory  once  gets  his  French  paws  on  a 
militia  officer,  he'U  hold  him  during  the  war,  and  fight  him 
some  afterwards  just  for  the  fun  of  it.  "VMien  this  fuss  is 
over  he  will  take  'em  to  Arkansas  to  fight  the  Indians. 
Better  beheve  he  hasn't  any  love  for  Joe  Brown's  pets. 
No,  sir ;  he'll  fight  'em  hard  enough  to  make  up  for  lost 
time.  Farewell,  vain  world — when  they  ain't  fighting 
they'll  be  digging,  and  when  they  ain't  digging  they'll  be 


THE   MILITIA   OFFICEKS,    ETC.  43 

figliting.  Little  while  !  One  day  miglit  be  while  enougli 
for  my  daylights  to  be  shelled  out.  I  tell  you  what,  when 
the  Yanks  get  to  throwing  their  blasted  hot  shot  at  Savan- 
nah, they'll  throw  'em  thicker  and  faster  than  hail  ever 
fell  in  a  cotton  patch.  Somebody's  going  to  get  hurt, 
sure.  Burn  old  Brown.  He  is  as  big  a  fool  on  a  procla- 
mation as  old  Abe  Lincoln. 

Why  I  thought  at  first  it  was  a  joke,  and  I  looked  at 
the  date  of  the  paper,  to  see  if  it  wasn't  the  first  day  of 
April ;  then  I  thought  there  was  some  way  or  other  to  get 
out  of  this  business,  but  blame  my  old  shoes  if  I  see  any. 
I  went  to  see  the  General,  thought  maybe  he  would  resist 
it,  or  something,  but  ding  it  all,  I  found  him  in  a  store 
buying  a  haversack,  fixing  to  go.  Well,  I  tried  to  laugh 
it  ofi*,  but  it  wouldn't  laugh.  Blamed  if  every  giggle  I 
tried  to  makft  didn't  fizzle  out  into  a  regular  whine.  Blast 
Joe  Brown,  I  could  enjoy  the  thing  splendidly  if  I  wasn't 
one  of  'em.  It's  good  enough  for  fellows  who  were  under 
forty,  and  who  instead  of  going  to  fight,  slipped  under 
Brown's  wagon  sheet.  Served  'em  right.  But  you  see, 
my  time  hadn't  come — I  got  skeered  too  soon — thought 
once  I  would  put  in  a  substitute,  but  durn  the  luck,  I  don't 
see  any  thing  about  substitutes  in  this  two  hundred  and 
forty  order.  It  don't  give  a  man  time  to  know  what  to-do. 
It  just  says  come  along — come  quick — be  in  a  huiTy — 
right  away — immediately — cars  waiting  on  you — last  whis- 
tle blow'd — ^bring  shot-gun  and  blanket — don't  look  back 


4A:  BILL    ARP. 

— old  Beauregard's  calling  you — enrolling  officer  after  you 
— court-martial  get  you — run,  run,  run  like  the  devil  to 
Savannah.  Who  ever  heard  the  like  of  that  ?  It's  a  snap 
judgment — blamed  if  it  ain't. 

Potash. — Well,  John,  we  must  all  do  our  share.  You 
know  I've  been  working  for  six  months  as  hard  as  I  could, 
making  potash  for  the  Confederacy,  and  that's  to  make 
powder  for  you  boys  to  fight  with. 

Reduced. — Potash  !  yes,  potash  !  Nitre  bureau  !  I'm 
told  that  there  is  about  twelve  hundred  of  you  fellows 
skulkin'  behind  a  parcel  of  ash  hoppers,  pretending  you 
are  stewing  down  patriotism  into  powder.  Blamed  if  I 
can't  smell  the  lie  on  you.  You  get  a  government  con- 
tract for  a  few  thousand  pounds,  and  you  fool  along  with 
it,  selling  what  you  do  make  to  these  drug  men  at  a  big- 
ger price,  and  you  have  twenty-five  or  thirty  on  your  per- 
sonal  staff  as  partners  or  workers,  and  you  aU  go  when 
you  please,  and  come  when  you  please,  and  stay  as  long 
jis  you  please,  and  you  carry  your  papers  wherever  you 
go,  just  like  one  of  the  shipwrecked  foreigners  that  used 
to  travel  over  the  country  with  a  certificate  that  a  volcano 
had  busted  and  run  all  over  him,  and  his  family  was  ship- 
wrecked on  the  Island  of  Madagasker.  Don't  you  throw 
your  potash  in  my  face ;  blamed  if  I  am  in  a  humor  to  put 
myself  on  a  level  with  that  everlastino;  nitre  bureau.  If 
the  men  engaged  in  that  business  worked  half  their  time, 
they  would  make  nitre  enough  in  six  months  to  keep  forty 


THE   MILITIA   OFFICERS,    ETC.  45 

volcanoes  burning  two  thousand  }'ears.  "  Everybody  do 
their  share^^^  you  say.  Blamed  if  I  can't  do  your  share, 
and  nobody  ever  miss  me  from  this  town.  I  can  find  all 
such  as  you  any  day,  without  having  to  travel  a  hundred 
yards.  Confound  your  nitre  bureau  and  your  potash; 
confound  old  Joe  BrowTi  and  his  durned  old  staff — blanket, 
shot  gun,  Savannah,  Beauregard,  the  devil,  *  *  *  Well, 
I'll  be  hanged  if  I  don't  go.  Fact  is,  I've  felt  like  sucking 
eggs  ever  since  I  got  on  the  durned  staff,  and  may  be  a  lit- 
tle more  fighting  will  make  me  feel  better.         (Exit.) 


THE  MILITIA   MAN  RETURNED, 

DIALOGUE    NCiEBEK   TWO. 

Potash. — Why,  lialloa,  John,  have  you  got  back  from 
Savai^nali  already  ? 

Reduced. — Of  course  I  have — don't  vou  see  me — what 
do  you  ask  such  a  fool  question  for?  [Puts  on  martial 
airs.] 

Potash. — I  didn't  mean  no  insult,  John ;  I  just  thought 
you  got  back  very  quick. 

Reduced. — Did  you  suppose  it  was  going  to  take  a  year 
to  whip  a  parcel  of  blue-bellied  Yankees  ?  They  knew 
who  was  coming  after  their  codfish,  and  they  retired — yes, 
sir,  they  evacuated.  We  have  now  fallen  back  to  recruit. 
You  see,  Jim,  we  are  the  reserve.  We  occupy  the  post  of 
honor,  which  you  know  is  the  post  of  danger.  We  are  the 
"  reliable  gentlemen,"  as  the  editors  say.  The  militia  of 
Georgia  now  stand  conspicuous  as  the  Old  Guard  of  Napo- 
leon Bonaparte,  and  Joe  Brown  is  old  Bony  himself  come 


THE   MILITIA   MAN   RETUENED.  47 

to  light — regenerated,  resurrected,  reconstructed— and  1 
am  one  of  the  militia  myself,  I  am.  I've  been  to  Savan- 
nah, and  stood  on  the  ramparts.  Talk  about  your  forty^- 
cations,  why  there's  a  hundred  and  forty  at  Savannah,  and 
more  cannon,  and  bigger  ones,  than  ever  was  blasted. 
Blame  my  eyes,  if  some  of  'em  ain't  big  enough  to  drive  a 
team  in  and  not  tech  a  hub.  I  didn't  see  it  tried,  Jim,  but 
I'll  be  dad-swamp'd  if  the  commissary  didn't  keep  his  flour 
in  'em— nine  baiTels  to  the  gun;  that's  so,  certain  and 
sure.  Potash  ain't  nowhere  now,  nor  overseers,  nor  shoe- 
shops,  nor  travelling  preachers,  nor  details,  nor  all  such. 
The  fact  is,  we  have  fought  enough  to  balance  off  nine 
square  miles  of  your  potash  woods.  Jim,  you  ought  to 
join  the  militia. 

Potash. — Look  here,  John,  your  talk  don't  suit  me.  I 
ain't  no  fool  if  I  am  making  potash,  I've  done  as  much 
fighting  as  you,  and  I  haven't  done  amj.  "  Fought  enough^' 
you  say  !  WeU,  John,  you  ain't  the  first  staff  officer  that 
bragged  about  his  fighting.  I  once  heard  a  big  fat  fellow 
in  a  theatre,  by  the  name  of  F^Utaff,  do  the  same  thincr, 
and  he  got  caught  at  it.  Now  let  me  advise  you  to  sing 
low  about  this  fighting  business.  Me  and  you  are  about 
even  on  the  goose  question.  I  don't  consider  you  ahead 
by  no  means,  for  old  Brown  will  get  you  in  a  close  place 

yet. 

lieduced.—Loo'k  here,  Jim,  hush  ;  I  know  I  can't  fool 
you;  blame  my  skin  if  I  wasn't  joking.     The  boys  all 


48  BILL   AEP. 

talked  that  way,  and  I  followed  suit.  Durn  that  luck,  I 
ain't  no  fool  myself,  and  I  know  we  aiu't  out  of  the  woods. 
Joe  Brown  just  called  us  to  Savannah  to  see  how  docile 
we  w^ere.  Well,  we  got  to  Atlanta,  and  he  said  "  Aai^," 
and  we  halted.  Then  he  said  "  counter-march — go  home," 
and  we  got  ready  for  the  cars  in  double-quick.  Then  he 
cried  out,  ^^counter-march  to  Savannah,''''  and  to  Savannah 
we  went  straight  forthwith.  Now  here  we  are  again,  but 
where  we  will  be  day  after  to-morrow,  no  mortal  fool 
knows  except  Joe  Brown.  Blame  the  militia.  Dad  burn 
old  Brown.  What  security  has  a  man  got  for  his  liberty  ? 
What  satisfaction  is  there  in  livinor  between  hawk  and 
buzzard  ?  WTio  cares  about  travellinof  on  the  railroad 
when  every  impertinent  dog  on  the  way  can  stand  off  and 
point  and  say,  "  Thar  go  the  Melish  ;  yonder  come  the 
Melish  ;  do  you  see  that  Melish  ?  "  w^hen  I  knew  the  con- 
temptible  curse  had  a  substitute  in  the  army  himself,  or 
was  overseering  twenty  negi'oes,  or  carrying  on  a  little  shoe 
shop,  or  stewing  down  potash,  or — 

Potash. — Look  here,  John,  you've  said  enough  about 
potash,  just  dry  that  up  ! 

Reduced. — Jim,  I  will  curse  the  potash,  blamed  if  I 
ain't  got  a  right  to  curse  everybody  and  every  thing  that 
ain't  fighting.  I  get  off  in  Billy  Smith's  woods  and  curse 
myself  regular.  I  can  w^hip  any  thing  that  stays  at  home. 
We  will  have  a  race  of  people  after  a  while  that  ain't  worth 


THE    MILITIA    MAN    KETURNED.  4:9 

a  curse.  The  good  ones  are  getting  killed  up,  but  these 
skulkers  and  shirkers  and  dodgers  don't  die.  There  ain't 
one  died  since  the  war  broke  out.  Confound  'em,  dod  rot 
'em  ;  I  begin  to  beheve  our  old  devil  is  dead ;  if  he  ain't, 
he's  no  account  or  he'd  have  had  some  of  these  fellows 
before  now.  Wonder  if  Brown  would  let  me  go  and  fight 
awhile  under  the  Confederacy  ?  But  then  I  would  be  in 
for  the  war,  and  I  don't  hke  that.  Durned  if  I  know  what 
to  do — I'm  still  on  the  durned  staff.  Hanged  if  I  know 
whether  I've  got  my  commission  or  my  commission  has 
me.     Jim,  I'm  just  in  old  Scoggins'  fix. 

Potash. — How's  that,  John  ? 

Reduced. — Well,  you  see  old  Scoggins  got  so  drunk  in 
toAvn  he  couldn't  navigate  his  steers ;  so  he  drove  out  in 
the  edge  of  the  woods  and  got  out  of  the  wagon  and  laid 
down  by  a  tree  to  sleep  the  drunk  off".  He  woke  up  about 
midnight,  and  his  steers  were  gone,  but  the  wagon  was 
there.  His  brain  was  still  so  fuddled  that  he  didn't  know 
who  he  was,  nor  how  he  come  there ;  so  he  thouo-ht  over 
as  well  as  he  could,  and  finally  extemporized,  "  Am  I  John 
Scoggins,  or  am  I  not  John  Scoggins?  If  I  am  John 
Scoggins,  I've  lost  a  yoke  of  steers ;  but  if  I  ain't  John 
Scoggins,  I'll  be  d — d  if  I  haven't  found  a  wagon."  Now, 
Jim,  that's  my  fix.  I  don't  know  my  situation,  as  the 
editors  head  their  war  talk.  Sometimes  I  think  I  have  lost 
a  yoke  of  steers,  and  then  again  I  conclude  that  I  have 
found  a  waoron. 


50  BILL    AEP. 

Potash.  — Well,  John,  let  me  ask  you  how  long  does  a 
commission  run  before  it  runs  out  ? 

Reduced. — Why  it  runs  forever  and  ever,  and  a  fev/  days 
over,  unless  you  run  yourself,  and  that's  the  only  way  you 
can  run  out  of  your  commission ;  and  you  can  get  court- 
martialed  for  that  and  shot.  This  here  court-martial  busi- 
ness is  a  powerful  strain  on  a  man.  It  is  like  tare  and  ti^et 
in  the  old  Federal  Calculator.  I  tried  to  look  as  big  as 
Gen.  Jackson,  and  went  up  to  a  lawyer,  and  says  I,  "  I  '11  be 
hanged  if  I'm  going  to  Savannah.  What  can  Joe  Brown 
do  with  me  ?  what's  the  law  ? "  Says  he,  "  Gov.  Brown  will 
court-martial  you,  and  may  be  will  condemn  you  to  be  shot." 
"  Well,"  said  I,  "  but  I  will  appeal,  and  then  I'll  get  you  to 
carry  the  case  to  the  Supreme  Court,  and  keep  it  in  law  till 
the  fuss  is  over."  Said  he,  "  We  can't  carry  it  there  ;  law- 
ers  are  not  allowed  to  practise  in  Military  Courts.  Gov. 
Brown  is  the  head  of  the  court.  He  is  the  Supreme  Court 
himself."  So  you  see,  Jim,  I  collapsed.  Blame  such  a 
court.  Joe  Brown  orders  me  to  jail ;  I  appeal  to  a  special 
jury,  and  Joe  Brown  is  the  jury.  I  carry  it  to  the  Su- 
preme Court,  and  Joe  Brown  is  the  court.  Blame  my  neck 
if  a  man  didn't  get  hung  twice  going  through  that  programme. 
Hang  the  thing.  It's  all  on  one  side,  just  like  an  Atlanta 
Hotel.  Brown's  got  us,  and  I  reckon  it's  the  best  plan  to  hu- 
mor the  joke.  '''-Hurrah  for  the  Militia^''  that's  the  way  to 
talk  it.     '•'■  Three  cheers  for  Joe  Brown,^''  that's  the  way  to 


THE   MILITIA   MAN    KETURNED.  51 

say  it.  Pat  bim  on  the  back,  and  tell  him  the  militia  arc 
for  him !  that's  the  way  to  do  it.  Blamed  if  I  don't  write 
him  a  love  letter  to-night  on  the  success  of  the  militia  at 
Savannah. 

Jim,  give  me  a  chew  of  tobacco. 


A  MESSAGE  TO  ALL  FOLKS. 

Standing  on  the  seat  of  a  split-bottom  chair,  I  exclaim, 
in  the  language  of  Dan  Rice,  Esq.,  "  F-e-1-l-e-r-sitizens  ! " 

Being  much  gratified  for  your  distinguished  considera- 
tion which  has  been  showered  dow^n  upon  me  like  an 
avalanche  in  times  past,  and  heretofore,  and  before  now, 
and  previous,  I  desire  to  attract  your  attention  on  this 
posthumous  occasion. 

In  the  first  place  and  firstly,  I  deem  it  my  duty  to  in- 
form you  that  the  Devil  is  to  pay,  and  he  won't  receive 
Confederate  money.  It  is  therefore  highly  necessary  for 
the  people  to  get  together  and  take  some  action  on  the 

CURRENCY    BILL. 

My  opinion  having  been  solicited  by  all  mankind  and 
some  few  others,  and  asked  for  with  tremendous  anxiety 
by  everybody  else,  I  have  made  it  up  w^ith  great  care,  and 
done  it  up  in  a  Georgia  rag.  Out  of  curiosity  I  have 
weighed  it,  and   find  it  is  heavy — very  heavy — w^eighing 


A    MESSAGE   TO   ALL   FOLKS.  53 

some  tliirteen  pounds,  more  or  less,  and  being  an  opinion 
as  is  an  opinion. 

To  relieve  the  public  distress,  I  therefore  proceed  to 
state,  that  the  late  Cm-rency  Bill  is  believed  to  be  that 
great  and  most  monstrous  maelstrom  which  the  geogra- 
phers describe  as  abounding  on  the  coast  of  Norway,  but 
which  by  some  jugglery  or  hocus  pocus  or  secret  session 
has  recently  been  bought  and  moved  into  the  Confederacy, 
to  swallow  up  all  the  money  in  circulation.  With  a  kind 
of  whirligig  locomotion,  it  is  drawing  the  currency  into  its 
awful  and  greedy  vortex,  leaving  a  man  nothing  to  remind 
him  of  it  but  sictly  scrap  of  yellow  paper,  which  has  been 
dagueiTctoyped  from  a  hospital  flag.  This  Bill  is  the  kill- 
devil  of  all  trade,  and  ought  to  exasperate  all  those  patriotic 

citizens  who  hold  their  truck  for  higher  prices,  as  they  will 
lose  by  it  perhaps. 

My  opinion  is,  that  some  other  Bill  might  have  been 
found  that  would  have  done  better  or  worse.  One  mio-ht 
have  been  discovered  on  the  coast  of  Africa,  or  in  the  Lake 
of  Good  Hope,  or  somewhere  in  the  Mediterranean  Moun- 
tains, but  Congress  was,  I  suppose,  afi'aid  to  run  the 
blockade  after  it.  If  they  had  applied  to  your  distinguish- 
ed and  humble  fellow-citizen,  I  would  have  undertaken  the 
job.  But,  alas !  they  didn't.  On  the  contrary,  they  barred 
the  doors,  and  shut  the  window  blinds,  and  let  down  the 
curtains,  and  stopped  up  the  keyholes,  and  went  into  a 
place  called 


64  BILL   AEP. 


SECRET    SESSION, 


wbicli  is  perhaps  a  little  the  closest  communion  ever  estab- 
lished in  a  \yell-watered  country.  A  grand  jury  or  a 
Masonic  Lodge,  or  a  Kno"w-Xothing  convention,  isn't  a  cir- 
cumstance to  it.  It  is  a  thing  that  plots,  and  plans,  and 
schemes  for  a  few  weeks,  and  then  suddenly  pokes  its  head 
out  like  a  catawampus  and  says.  Booh  !  Then  all  the  pop- 
eyed  folks  run  about  and  say,  Booh  !  Booh  !  !  And  the 
peaceable,  anti-bullet  citizens  begin  to  tremble  in  the 
knees,  and  say,  Booh  !  Booh  !  !  Booh  I !  !  And  it  keeps 
traveUing  faster  and  faster,  and  growing  bigger  and  bigger, 
until  it  reaches  the  Governor,  and  he  is  constrained  to  get 
on  a  fodder-stack  pole  and  say  in  a  loud  voice,  Booh! 
Booh!!  Booh!!!  Booh!!!!  B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! ! ! ! ! 

It  was  in  this  dark  and  benighted  hole  that  a  plan  was 
set  on  foot  to  procure  a  fierce  and  rambunkshus  animal 
from  the  mountains  of  Hepsidam,  and  having  starved  him 
for  several  days,  they  suspended  him  to  a  swinging  limb  in 
the  President's  yard,  and  locked  his  chain  with  Mr.  Hobbs's 
lock,  and  gave  Mr.  Davis  the  key.  Some  ten  thousand 
years  ago,  more  or  less,  this  animal  was  discovered  bj 
King  Charles  the  Second,  and  named  with  the  name  of 

HABEAS  CORPUS. 

It  is,  perhaps,  ichen  suspended^  the  most  savagerous 
beast  that  ever  got  after  tories  and  traitors.  To  all  honest 
and  patriotic  folks  it  is  said  to  be  perfectly  harmless,  but 


A   MESSAGE  TO   ALL   FOLKS.  55 

still,  nevertlieless,  notwithstanding,  howsomever,  it  might 
get  loose,  and  waylay  our  liberties,  and  tear  the  hind  sights 
off  a  man,  before  he  could  bellow  for  help.  Its  nose  is  said 
to  be  a  perfect  olfactory,  and  for  miles  and  miles,  across 
rivers,  and  swamps,  and  prairies,  and  piney  woods,  it  smells 
out  all  such  as  would  ferment  discord,  and  spread  disaffec- 
tion among  the  people.  When  a  man  or  set  of  men  do 
make  themselves  into  a  gridiron,  and  begin  to  broil  the 
peace  and  harmony  of  the  country,  this  animal  does  snuff 
the  tainted  atmosphere,  and  try  to  break  his  chain. 

F-E-L-L-E-R-CiTizENS :  Thc  war,  and  the  Yankees,  and 
old  Lincoln  and  his  threats  of  subjugation,  extermination, 
amalgamation,  desolation,  and  Mr.  Toombs'  foul  domina- 
tion, is  a  big  thing,  terrible  and  horrible.  But  old  Habeas 
hung  up^  and  secret  sessions,  and  the  currency  bill,  and 
conscription,  are  far  bigger,  and  awful  in  the  extreme.  Our 
soldiers  ought  to  let  the  Yankees  alone,  and  come  home  and 
fight  these  savage  beasts,  and  you,  my  fellow-citizens,  ought 
to  arm  yourselves  with  sticks,  and  rocks,  and  thrashpoles, 
and  hot  water,  and  pikes,  and  make  a  violent  assault  upon 
these  "  most  monstrous  paradoxes." 

I  must  express  my  astonishment  that  you  are  all  so 
quiet  and  unconscious — that  you  are  so  blind  as  not  to  see 
the  danger  that  hangs  like  a  Boa  constrictor  over  you. 

I  feel  like  you  will  always,  and  evermore,  and  a  good 
while  afterwards,  be  under  everlasting  obligations  to  me 
for  standing  guard  over  your  sleeping  liberties,  like  a  crane 


56  BILL   AEP. 

upon  a  saud-liill,  or  a  sentinel  upon  the  Lamp  post  of  Free- 
dom. Overcome  by  my  emotions  on  this  august  occasion, 
allow  me  to  intersperse  before  you  a  paragraph  of 

POETRY. 

"  I  wish  I  was  the  President  of  these  Confederate  States, 
I'd  eat  sugar  and  candy  and  swing  upon  the  gates." 

And  this  brings  me  to  consider  for  your  edification  the 

CONSCRIPTION  BILL, 

which  has  so  long  deprived  you  of  the  right  to  volunteer, 
and  like  a  vampire  gnawed  away  at  your  burning  and 
glowing  patriotism. 

Looking  through  the  horn  of  my  imagination,  me- 
thinks  I  see  this  Bill  repealed,  and  all  the  people  of  Geor- 
gia (that  are  not  in  the  war),  both  old  and  young,  and  big 
and  little,  rushing  to  the  front  in  one  glorious  phalanx,  to 
offer  up  their  lives  on  the  altar  of  liberty. 

Methinks  I  sec  them,  as  in  a  horn,  crowding  the  road, 
and  swimming  the  rivers,  and  climbing  the  mountains,  ex- 
claiming with  majestic  fury — 

"  We  come,  we  come — ye  have  called  us  long — 
We  come  o'er  the  mountings — in  a  horn." 

But  I  forbear,  fellow-citizens,  to  rankle  your  feelings  by 
recounting  all  the  outrages  which  the  grand  Cata wampus 
at  Richmond  has  perpetrated  upon  you. 

Awaiting  your  thanks  and  a.dulations,  I  would  now  sub- 


A   MESSAGE   TO    ALL   FOLKS.  57 

side  into  my  seat,  if  I  was  througli  my  message.     But  I 
must  expatiate  some^Yllat  on  the 

CAUSE  OF  THE  WAR. 

Some  folks  say  it  was  tlie  Abolishonists  wlio  got  up 
tliis  fuss.  Some  say  they  didn't.  Some  say  it  was  politi- 
cians, and  some  it  was  a  supernatural  thing  called  Man- 
ifest Destiny.  Some  are  of  the  opinion  that  the  nigger 
was  at  the  bottom  of  it,  and  that  ever  since  the  Romans 
carried  the  war  into  Africa,  Afi*ica  has  carried  it  every- 
where else.  But,  my  fellow-citizens,  it  was  caused  exclu- 
sively by  Gen.  States  Rights  going  to  sleep  one  day,  and 
old  Colonel  Federalist  come  along,  and  tried  to  cut  his 
ham-stringc.  I  am  for  the  General  as  lons^  as  I  am  on  his 
staff,  and  I  am  going  to  pitch  into  the  Colonel  on  every 
possible  occasion.  So  now  you  understand  what  brought 
about  the  war. 

Fellow-citizens,  do  you  want  peace  ?  Are  you  tired  of 
this  struggle  ?     Then  let  me  tell  you  my  plan  of  making 

PROPOSITIONS    FOR    PEACE. 

After  every  victory  over  our  enemies,  let  us  holler  at 
the  top  of  our  voices  peace  !  peace  ! !  peace  ! ! !  In  the 
language  of  Patrick  Henry,  let  us  cry  "  Peace  when  there 
is  no  peace."  What  we  shall  holler  after  every  defeat  this 
deponent  sayeth  not,  and  would  like  for  you  to  say  your- 
self if  you  know. 
3* 


58  BILL   AKP. 

I  am  aware  that  Mr.  Davis  in  his  inessao;e,  and  Con- 
gress  in  their  addresses,  and  our  generals  in  their  official 
communications,  have  all  the  time  entreated  our  enemies 
to  let  us  alone,  to  let  us  have  peace ;  and  I  am  also  aware 
that  the  Constitution  savs  that  Conscress  alone  should  have 
the  right  to  declare  war  and  make  peace,  but  nevertheless 
notwithstanding^  I  have  got  a  right  to  holler  enough  !  or 
peace  !  'peace  !  if  I  want  to,  and  I  am  going  to  do  it ! 

I  am  now  about  to  bring  this  important  message  to  a 
close.  My  ostensible  object  in  addressing  you  was  the 
"  CuiTcncy  Bill,"  which  only  gives  the  great  State  of 
Georgia  until  Christmas  to  fund  her  money  in  six  per  cent, 
bonds. 

Fearing  that  the  Legislature  might  get  all  killed  up  be- 
fore their  regular  sessions,  I  have  thought  proper  to  agi- 
tate the  subject  now,  and  bring  before  you  all  the  other 
"  Monstrous  Paradoxes,"  as  side  shows  to  the  circus. 

Calling  your  attention  to  the  appendix  which  follows,  I 
now  descend  from  my  chair,  and  having  taken  a  chaw  of 
tobacco,  subscribe  myself  your  fellow-citizen, 

BILL  ARP. 

APPENDIX  TO  HABEAS  CORPUS. 

Since  the  discovery  of  America  by  Pocahontas,  the  ha- 
beas corpus  has  never  been  suspended  over  anybody,  except 
about  three  hundred  thousand  soldiers  in  the  Confederate 
army.     For  nearly  three  years,  General  Lee  and  Johnston 


A   MESSAGE   TO    ALL    FOLKS.  59 

have  had  it  guspended  over  all  the  fighting  boys  in  their 
commands.  With  most  astonishing  patience  they  bear  up 
under  this  oppression,  and  continue  to  live  on  half  rations 
and  fight,  and  march,  and  toil,  and  struggle,  and  never 
complain  about  nothing.  I  asked  some  of  them  how  they 
got  along  with  the  habeas  corpus  hanging  over  them,  and 
they  said  "  I  was  a  fool,"  and  called  me  a  "  damri'd  old 
Gogge^''  *  or  some  such  name.  If  I  was  governor  I  would 
send  missionaries  among  them  immediately. 

BILL  ARP. 

*  Bill  must  have  misunderstood  the  soldiers.     They  probably 
said  '•'■  Demagogue^ — Ed. 


BILL  AErS  LETTER  TO  HIS  OLD 
FRIEND  JOE. 


My  Dear  Old  Joe  :  You  know  I  call  you  old^  be- 
cause you  have  got  along  so  fast  since  I  first  knew  you. 
You  Lave  played  your  cards  (I  don't  mean  your  cotton 
cards)  miglity  well  heretofore,  but  somehow  you  seem  to 
have  lost  ground  lately.  May  be  you  are  trying  to  get 
ahead  of  the  wagon.  I'm  mighty  sorry  I  couldn't  be  at 
vom*  bio;  convention  and  advise  with  vou  a  little.  I  might 
possibly  have  pulled  you  back  some  and  hm-t  your  feelings, 
but  it  would  have  been  the  best  in- the  long  run,  and  saved 
you  a  power  of  mortification. 

You  used  to  write  to  me  for  advice,  Joe,  and  you  al- 
ways succeeded  when  you  followed  it,  but  this  time  you 
didn't  even  ask  me  for  my  opinion,  but  just  wrote  me  to 
go  and  see  the  members  in  the  adjoining  counties — let  'em 
know  what  was  on  hand,  and  get  'em  properly  roused  up 
for  the  great  occasion  that  was  to  come  off.  Well,  Joe, 
I  was  afraid  the  plan  wouldn't  work ;  I  was  dubious  of  it 


LETTER   TO    HIS    OLD   FRIEXD   JOE.  61 

certain,  but  I  clone  what  you  said,  and  talked  to  'em  about 
that  "•  habeas  corpus''^  until  some  of  'em  were  excited 
amazingly.  It  was  late  one  evening  when  I  got  to  Dick's 
house.  I  found  Dick  ploughing  away  down  in  a  field  close 
by  a  sweet-gum  swamp,  and  when  I  got  through  talking 
to  him,  he  would  not  have  stayed  in  that  field  till  dark  for 
a  thousand  dollars.  So  thinks  I,  says  I,  if  /  can  scare 
Dick  that  bad,  what  might  I  not  expect  of  you,  Joe  ? 

I  was  then  satisfied  you  had  the  Legislature  dead. 

Well,  Joe,  I  don't  know  all  that  was  done  at  vour  con- 
vention,  for  I  was  not  there,  but  I'll  tell  you  what,  old  fel- 
ler, Linton  played  his  part  of  the  progi'amme  jam  up.  I 
heard  one  of  the  members  say  that  after  Linton  got 
through  his  big  speech  that  night,  some  of  'em  was  so 
scared  of  the  old  habeas  cojpus,  they  kept  looking  around 
behind  'em,  like  we  boys  used  to  do,  when  the  ne^oes 
were  telling  us  ghost  stories.  Some  of  'em  boarded  at 
private  houses,  and  they  didn't  go  home  that  nighty  but 
slept  about  at  the  hotels  with  the  other  members.  You 
see,  Joe,  when  Linton  said,  "  Who  knows  but  what  the 
President  has  already  got  his  secret  police  around  this  cap- 
itol  ?  Who  knows  but  what  he  may  this  night  be  grap- 
pled forth  from  his  peaceful  repose,  and  in  a  moment,  in 
the  tinkling  of  an  eye,  be  hurried  ofi*  to  *  that  barn  from 
whence  no  traveller  returns '  ? "  That  got  'em  ;  Dick  says 
when  Linton  said  that,  the  silence  was  so  immense,  you 
could  have  heard  a  flea  jump  in  the  saw-dust  on  the  floor, 


62  BILL   AKP. 

if  there  had  been  one  in  the  house.  Lint  played  his  cards 
well — (I  do  not  allude  to  your  cotton  cards,  Joe). 

Well,  Joe,  you  must  have  had  a  heap  of  trouble. 
There  was  some  powerful  difficulties  in  your  way,  certain. 
In  the  first  place,  the  time  was  of  very  doubtful  propriety. 
If  you  had  only  waited  until  the  President  had  took  up 
somebody  with  the  "  habeas  coj'pus,''^  and  collapsed  him  in 
the  caverns  of  a  secret  dungeon,  you  would  have  had  more 
capital  to  work  on.  You  know,  Joe,  you  had  until  Christ- 
mas anyhow,  to  fund  the  State's  money,  so  I  can't  see 
what  put  you  in  such  an  everlasting  hurry. 

Sometimes  I  think  you  are  trying  to  climb  too  fast,  Joe. 
You  see  your  ideas  get  so  much  elevation  that  your  head 
gets  dizzy  and  your  brain  begins  to  swim,  and  you  naturally 
overlook  some  thino's  and  commit  indiscretions  which  are 
distressing.  Now  there  is  your  old  neighbor  who  thinks 
mighty  well  of  you,  and  always  votes  right ;  but  when  I  told 
him  your  programme  about  calling  the  convention,  he  ap- 
peared astonished  most  powerful — said  it  was  all  a  humbug 
and  wouldn't  pay,  and  he  was  afraid  you  would  break 
your  neck  a-paving  your  way  to  the  Presidency.  He  didn't 
approve  your  resolutions  which  you  wanted  the  convention 
to  pass,  but  said  if  you  succeeded  in  having  them  put 
through,  especially  that  one  censuring  Mr.  Davis,  he  would 
furnish  you  with  another  set  to  have  passed  immediately 
afterwards.  He  requested  roe  enclose  them  to  you,  which  I 
will  do.     They  arc  as  follows,  to  wit : 


LETl'Eli   TO    niS    OLD   FRIEND   JOE.  63 

Resolutions  to  be  passed,  ^^eacea6/y  if  I  can,  forcibly  if  I 
must,  bolus  noxskus,  anyhow. 

First.  Be  it  enacted,  That  I  am  a  wliale,  and  if  there  is 
any  bigger  fish  a-swiinming  in  the  nasty  deep,  then  I  am 
that. 

Secondly.  Resolved,  That  Richmond  is  Jonah,  and  will 
be  swallowed  np  in  a  few  days — in  a  few  days — Shanghai 
chickens  they  grow  tall  in  a  few  days.  (Joe  is  to  stand  on 
a  box  and  sing  this  song  immediately  after  this  resolution 
is  passed.) 

Thirdly.  Resolved,  That  whereas  some  ignorant  poet  has 
asked,  "What  constitutes  a  State  ?  he  is  informed  that  iCs 
me  ;  I  am  the  State  myself. 

Fourthly.  Resolved,  That  I  am  the  centre  of  space — the 
Southern  Confederacy — the  solar  system — the  mariner's 
compass — the  card  factory — equinoctial  gale — the  almanac, 
with  all  its  eclipses — the  undiscovered  perpetual  motion — 
the  State  Road — the  locomotive  engine,  with  the  steam  up 
— in  fact,  if  there  is  any  other  big  thing,  then  I  am  that. 

I  asked  him  if  he  was  not  a-joking — a-playing  ofif  a 
little  burlesque — and  he  said.  No  ;  that  you  could  pass 
'em  if  you  could  pass  yours,  and  he  didn't  know  but  what 
you  would  try  it  anyhow.  He  told  me  to  tell  you  to  mind 
how  you  played  your  cards.  (He  didn't  mean  the  cotton- 
cards.) 

And   there,  Joe — right  there — oh,  my  dear  old  Joe, 


64  BILL    AEP. 

them  cards — them  cotton-cdjcds — there's  where  you  missed 
it.  Dick  told  me  all  about  that,  and  though  he  voted  for 
you,  he  said  he  didn't  like  the  looks  of  it — you  ought  to 
have  sent  them  cards  off  about  a  month  before  to  the 
members,  to  distribute  to  the  soldiers'  families.  They  need 
'em  mighty  bad,  and  you  know  it.  But  you  sold  'era  to 
the  members  at  ten  dollars  a  pair,  just  on  the  heel  of  voting 
time.  It  may  have  been  all  right,  Joe,  but  somehow  the 
two  things  come  off  in  very  dangerous  proximity.  I 
hardly  think  it  got  you  any  votes,  for  the  members  didn't 
feel  like  it  was  any  favor  from  you,  for  the  cards  (I  mean 
the  cotton-cards,  Joe)  was  as  much  theirs  as  yours  ;  that  is 
to  say,  they  didn't  belong  to  any  of  you,  unless,  as  your 
neighbor  says  in  the  resolution,  "  You  are  the  State  !  " 
Joe,  I  have  frequently  thought  how  much  good  them  cards 
would  have  done  the  poor  soldiers'  families  in  this  country. 
But  this  is  not  the  worst  of  it.  Dick  says  you  allowed 
the  members  to  exchanofe  two  hundred  dollars  of  Confed- 
erate  money  for  two  hundred  dollars  of  State  money, 
"  even  steven,"  and  also  to  change  the  same  amount  for 
Georgia  change  bills,  and  they  were  paid  off  their  salaries 
besides  in  State  money  (which  last  w^as  all  right,  of  course). 
Why,  Joe — ray  old  Joe — my  foolish  Joe — my  inconsider- 
ate fellow.  What  was  you  thinking  about  ?  Have  you  just 
turned  out  to  regiilar  bribing,  and  that  with  other  people's 
money  ?  It's  bad  enough  to  do  it  with  one's  own  money  ; 
but,  my  aspiring  friend,  what  will  the  people  say  about  it  ? 


LEITER   TO    HIS    OLD   FEIEXD   JOE.  65 

Joe,  my  dear  Joe,  you  must  surely  have  misconstructed  the 
"  Funding  Act."  It  didn't  provide  for  no  such  funding  as 
that.  Do  come  up  an'd  see  me.  I  want  to  talk  to  you — I 
am  afraid  you  have  forgotten  your  first  lesson  of  pro- 
priety. Surely,  surely,  there  is  some  mistake  about  this, 
but  Dick  says  not,  and  he  showed  me  his  money  and  cards 
(I  mean  cotton-cards).  He  says  he  wouldn't  have  took  his, 
but  he  heard  a  member  say  that  if  the  Governor  was  that 
loose  with  the  State  property,  the  more  they  took  from  him 
the  better. 

1  am  afraid  you  are  losing  ground,  Joe,  and  I  don't 
blame  you  for  circulating  your  message  in  handbills,  but 
there  are  some  things  you  must  keep  as  dark  as  possible. 
Don't  mention  the  cotton-cards  in  your  appendix — keep 
your  newspapers  straight.  I  noticed  that  your  Augusta 
organ  replied  to  the  "  Savannah  Republican  "  about  the 
card  business.  This  was  very  indiscreet — you  must  write 
to  him  and  learn  him  better — smother  it — squash  it — 
drown  it — nol  2)ros.  it,  if  possible. 

In  conclusion,  Joe,  I  hope  you  won't  let  them  resolu- 
tions complimenting  Jef£  Davis  affect  you  too  much.  You 
say  in  your  letter  that  "  it  shocked  you."  Never  mind 
that — let  'em  sliock  on.  K  they  will  shock  some  of  your 
foolishness  out  of  you,  it  will  do  you  good.  Quit  writing 
so  much — your  messages  are  too  long — especially  for  a 
call-session.  There  is  no  use  in  it,  and  besides  paper  is 
high  and  ink  scarce.    Haul  in  a  little — ^bide  your  time.    It's 


66  BILL    AEP. 

not  everybody  that  can  get  to  be  President.  My  candid 
opinion  is,  that  you  will  make  a  mighty  good  Governor  if 
you  will  stick  to  it  a  few  more  terms.  Solomon  says 
"  there  is  a  place  for  every  thing,  and  a  thing  for  every 
place,"  and  Don  Quixote  says  "that  every  dog  has  his 
day."  Write  to  me,  Joe,  and  do  tell  me  all  that  you  did 
do  in  trying  to  pass  them  resolutions.  I  am  afraid  I  have 
not  heard  the  half  of  it. 

Your  old  friend, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — x\bout  that  money  business,  let  me  ask  you, 
"  Will  you  be  able  to  balance  up  your  books  to  a  quarter 
of  a  cent,  and  show  no  loss  on  our  side?''"'  B.  A. 


TEE  Q  UARTERM ASTER'S  LAMENT. 

Horses  and  wagons  and  mules,  barracks  and  quarters  and  tents, 

Axes  and  shovels  and  tools,  hire  and  niggers  and  rents  ; 

Coats  and  breeches  and  shoes,  haversacks,  blankets  and  hats, 

Nails  and  iron  and  screws,  pontoons  and  bridges  and  flats ; 

Fuel  and  kettles  and  plank,  envelopes,  paper  and  ink. 

Till  the  abstract  I'm  filling  looks  blank,  and  my  brain  is  too  dizzy  to 

think. 
Will  there  never  be  an  end  to  this  everlasting  issue  ? 
Will  the  time  never  come  when  the  Gen'l  wouldn't  miss  you, 
If  some  day  you  steal  away,  in  a  solitude  to  stay, 
Where  the  horses  draw  no  forage  and  the  officers  no  pay  ? 

Hilton — Hilton,  M.  C.  Is  lie  a  bird  or  a  buzzard? 
I'm  a  poor  carcass  of  a  quartermaster,  lean  and  lantern- 
jawed,  pretty  nigli  dead  witb  service,  weary  and  worn  ;  and 
Hilton  has  come  to  torment  me  before  mv  time.  Would 
he  pick  my  bones  before  I  am  cold?  Does  he  want 
me  branded,  like  a  worn-out  araiy  horse,  with  the  letter 
"  C  ?  "  Where  did  Mr.  Hilton  fly  from  when  he  lit  upon 
that  light-house  at  Richmond  ?     I  never  heard  of  him  un- 


68  BILL    ARP. 

til  I  read  his  wholesale  bill  of  indictment  against  Quarter- 
masters and  Commissaries.  He  must  be  from  Artansaw,  I 
reckon,  or  some  other  part  unknown.  My  daddy  sold 
goods  on  credit  about  forty  years  ago,  and  when  a  cus- 
tomer run  away,  he  used  to  codicil  his  name  with  "  G.  T. 
A.,"  gone  to  Arkansaio.  What  a  power  of  dead  heads 
must  have  roosted  in  them  woods  on  the  other  side  of 
Jordan  !  If  Hilton,  M.  C,  did  fly  from  those  parts,  I'll 
wager  a  dead  horse  that  he  got  a  powerful  vote  from  that 
class  who  figured  on  my  old  daddy's  books.  It  is  a  bad 
sign  for  a  man  to  be  pitchin'  into  a  class  of  people, 
and  calling  the  whole  of  'em  thieves  and  swindlers,  just  be- 
cause he's  heard  of  a  rascal  or  two  among  'em  ;  might 
just  as  well  call  the  whole  Congress  a  fool  because 
they've  got  a  fool  among  'em.  Monsieur  Hilton,  M.  C, 
wants  all  us  removed  from  office,  and  put  in  the  ranks,  and 
our  places  supplied  by  civilians  who  are  over  age  and  un- 
der size,  and  physically  unable  to  do  field  service ;  wants 
a  lot  of  sickly,  tallowy-faced  gentlemen,  who've  got  the 
gout,  or  the  blind-piles,  or  the  sore  back,  or  the  belchin' 
dispepsy,  or  the  grubbs,  or  the  Chinese  diarrhoea,  or  the 
big  shoulder,  or  the  painter's  colic,  or  the  botts,  or 
the  string-halt,  or  the  sway  back,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
Here  we've  worked  day  and  night,  in  the  mud  and  in 
the  rain,  loading  and  unloading,  pressing  and  being 
pressed,  scolding  and  being  scolded,  paying  out  and  pay- 
ing in,  hunting  horses,  hunting  niggers,  huntmg  forage,  and 


THE    QUARTEKM aster's    LAMENT.  69 

wagons,  and  harness,  and  beef,  and  bacon,  and  flour,  and 
supplies ;  nin  almost  to  death  under  the  responsibility 
of  keeping  our  corner  up,  feeling  all  the  time  like  a  poor 
galley  slave,  and  yet  no  word  of  approval ;  no  look  of 
reward ;  no  vote  of  thanks ;  no  brief  editorial  fi'om  the 
press ;  no  small  scrap  of  praise  from  "  P.  W.  A."  or 
"  N'Importe,"  or  "  Personne  "  or  any  army  corn'espond- 
ent ! 

The  fact  is,  Mr.  Hilton,  M.  C.  &  Company  have  set  the 
dogs  on  us.  It's  good  Buncombe  to  have  a  scape-goat ! 
Mr.  Buncombe  can  go  home  and  say,  "  Didn't  I  give  them 
Quartermasters  and  Commissaries  fits  ?  I  saved  the  Gov 
ernment  several  millions  of  dollars."  Well,  it's  very 
strange  that  all  the  rascals  managed  to  get  into  these  de- 
partments. Heap  of  them  I  knew  before  the  war  who 
were  considered  gentlemen  and  honest,  have  somehow  or 
other  been  sworn,  chosen,  and  selected  by  somebody  as 
fit  and  proper  persons  for  disbursing  oflicers.  But  Hilton 
&  Co.  are  after  'era,  and  Congress  have  sorter  compro- 
mised the  fuss  by  our  increasing  bonds  to  fifty  thousand 
dollars !  What  a  humbug  1  What  a  "  hrutem  fulmen^'^ 
as  the  feller  said,  which  in  dog  Latin  they  say  signifies  a 
foolish  brute  !  Don't  they  know  that  a  quarter  of  a  million 
passes  through  my  hands  in  a  year  ?  What's  the  bond 
worth,  if  I  am  going  into  a  regular  stealin'  business  ?  It 
would  be  a  plagued  sight  more  sensible  if  they  had  abol- 
ished all  the  bonds,  and  put  a  man  fairly  and  squarely  upon 


70  .'  BILL   ARP. 

liis  honor ;  and  if  lie  violated  his  honor,  or  stole  a  dollar 
directly  or  indirectly,  why,  let  his  General  hang  him  up  at 
the  cross  roads  where  the  army  could  see  him,  and  let  him 
hang  there  high  and  dry  in  the  cold  and  the  wet,  in  the 
wind  and  the  rain,  until  his  flesh  dried  up,  and  his  shirt- 
tail  wore  out  a-flappin'  in  the  pitiless  storm. 

That's  the  way  old  Bonaparte  done  'em,  and  it's  the 
only  way ;  don't  you  know  it  is  ?  Why,  in  a  regular  war 
like  this,  there  ain't  no  system  of  checks  or  counter-checks, 
or  balances,  or  safeguards,  that  will  insure  honesty  in 
these  departments.  Suppose  my  blacksmiths  work  up  two 
thousand  pounds  of  iron  a  week  into  horse-shoes,  crow- 
bars, and  fifth-chains,  and  I  have  'em  made  lights  and  issue 
them  out  by  number,  and  give  myself  credit  for  three  thou- 
sand pounds;  who's  to  know  any  better  when  the  shoes 
are  worn  out,  and  the  chains  are  broke  and  thrown  away  ? 
Suppose  a  battle  is  imminent^  as  they  say,  and  I  send  for- 
ward wagons  and  ambulances,  and  axes  and  shovels,  and  af- 
ter the  battle  is  over,  I  enter  up  twice  the  amount  as  lout 
in  battle,  and  my  General  thinks  I'm  honest,  and  signs  the 
certificate  ?  Talk  about  your  bonds !  Why,  those  three 
letters  L.  I.  B.  will  hide  a  multitude  of  sins,  and  cover  up 
three  months  of  fraud  and  rascality.  Then  there's  the 
goods  taken  from  the  enemy — leather  and  shoes,  horses  and 
blankets,  and  jeans,  that  comes  into  my  possession  without 
any  invoice  or  descriptive  list — I  pick  out  and  box  up  and 
ship  off  to  sell  "  on  account  of  wliom  it  may  concern.''^ 


THE    quartermaster's    LAMENT.,  71 

Alas,  Mr.  Hilton,  M.  C,  I  fear  you  can't  fix  it  up.  If 
you  have  got  your  heart'set  on  it,  you  are  in  my  old  law- 
yer friend  Hardin's  fix  who  got  his  heart  set  on  the  bench^ 
but  poor  fellow,  he  was  never  able  to  set  any  thing  else  on 
the  bench.  You  had  just  as  well  git  sick  and  quit.  We 
don't  feel  like  payin'  our  taxes  to  pay  you  for  your  wastin' 
our  time.  Try  your  hand  on  something  you  know  more 
about,  and  when  you've  succeeded  and  give  us  evidence  of 
your  usefulness,  just  git  on  a  stump  if  you  please,  and  holler 
out  as  loud  as  you  can  bawl,  "  Here^s  the  place  to  git  your 
money  bach  !  "  Make  a  big  thing  of  it,  Mr.  Hilton,  when 
you  holler,  so  that  we  can  all  hear  you  and  rejoice. 

But  then,  after   all,   we've   got  some   comfort.      Our 
Generals  appreciate  us ;  the  army  oflScers  with  whom  we 
transact  our  business,  stand  by  us,  and  look  down  with 
curly-nosed  contempt  on  all  such  jackassism.     How  com- 
forting it  was  to  hear  General  Polk  remark  the  other  day, 
"  My  corps  is  ready  for  action ;  every  thing  is  complete ; 
my  quartermasters  and  commissaries  and  surgeons  have 
been  most  diligent  and  energetic  ;  in  fact,  I  have  ceased  to 
feel  any  apprehension  about  their  departments."     And  how 
consohng  to  hear  that  other  eloquent  remark  from  a  traffick- 
ing Shy  lock  of  a  French-Germ  an- Jew,  "  I  tot  I  could  make 
some  of  de  monish  here  'mong  dese  officere,  but  by  tam, 
dese  quartermasters  too  tam  hones ;  I  do  nothin'  wid  dem." 
Mr.  Buncombe,  if  you'll  move  to  our  district,  we'll  run 
that  Shvlock  ao'ainst  you  for  Cono-ress  the  next  term. 

BILL  AEP. 


BODGING  AEOUB-D— MELANCHOLY 
REFLECTIONS. 

Farmer  with  a  dog-skin. — "  Just  look  at  that,  will  you, 
and  price  it? — fattest  dog-skin  you  ever  saw — what'U  you 
give  for  it  ? " 

Tanner. — "  Don't  want  it — don't  buy  fat  dog-skins, 
tliey  are  always  rotten." 

Farmer. — "  Well,  now — come  to  think  of  it,  I  was 
joking — the  dog  wasn't  so  blame  fat  as  you  might  suppose. 
I'U  be  darn'd  if  he  didn't  starve  to  death." 
'  And  that's  nature — human  nature.  It  ain't  dog  nature, 
nor  cow  nature,  nor  horse  nature :  but  it's  human  nature 
just  dodging  around.  I  am  a  poor  judge  of  Scripture.  I 
don't  know  how  good  our  forefathers  were  when  old  Uncle 
Adam  was  gardening  on  the  Eufrates  river,  but  my  opinion 
is  that  man  has  fallen.  If  he  ain't,  then  animals  have  risen 
— brutes  have  got  better  or  people  worse,  and  no  mistake. 
In  fact,  I'd  rather  risk  animals.  My  horse  don't  fool  me, 
nor  my  cow,  nor  my  sheep ;  and  if  my  coon  dog  does  some- 


DODGING   AKOUND,    ETC.  73 


times  bark  up  the  wrong  tree,  he  don't  mean  any  harm 
by  it,  and  there  is  nothing  that  wears  breeches  that's  half 
so  honest  as  the  wag  of  my  dog's  tail. 

Folks  are  not  reliable.  If  one  is  so  occasionally,  it  is 
an  exception.  He  is  looked  upon  as  a  curiosity,  and  liis 
remarkable  conduct  gets  in  the  papers,  and  is  narrated  and 
narrated  about  as  an  extraordinary  circumstance.  If  he 
pays  up  his  old  debts  that  are  gone  out  of  date,  it  is  con- 
sidered a  sort  of  a  miracle,  and  goes  dodging  around  for  a 
heap  more  than  it's  worth — more  than  likely  he  broke  at 
first  and  got  rich  at  last  by  tricking  and  trapping  and 
dodging  around.  If  I  could  see  him  give  in  his  taxes,  and 
didn't  smell  perjury,  he  could  stand  fire  and  smoke.  Old 
Diogenes  might  blow  out  his  candle,  and  hunt  no  more  for 
an  honest  man.  There's  the  time  and  the  place,  and  the 
circumstance  that  tries  a  man's  soul.  Just  watch  him  and 
study  him  as  he  gives  in  his  taxes — see  the  flinching  and 
squirming  and  dodging  around,  for  this  here  anno  domini 
1863  is  powerful  hard  on  the  root  of  all  evil.  There's  the 
city  tax,  and  the  county  tax,  and  State  tax,  and  Confederate 
tax,  and  general  tax,  and  special  tax,  and  church  tax,  and 
charity  tax,  and  tax  in  kind,  and  tax  unkind,  and  shoe  tax, 
and  salt  tax,  and  speculator's  tax  in  general;  and  they 
scourge  a  man  hard,  and  they  scourge  him  frequent,  and 
poor  human  nature  caves  in.  The  day  a  man  gives  in  his 
taxes  he  is  poorer  than  any  day  in  the  year,  and  it  would 
not  be  Avrong  to  assert  that  a  country  is  richer  by  fifty  per 
4 


74  BILL   ARP. 

cent,  tlian  its  taxes  foot  up.  This  deficit  onglit  to  be  a 
column  by  itself,  and  cliarged  up  to  perjury  or  dodging 
around. 

There's  Snooks,  who  didn't  give  in  bis  young  niggers, 
because  be  said  tbey  were  no  profit  to  bim.  Old  Sbii-k 
wouldn't  give  in  bis  notes  because  tbe  stay  law  wouldn't  let 
bim  collect  'em,  and  tbey  might  prove  insolvent  before  tbey 
were  paid.  Old  Dodge  gave  bis  money  to  bis  wife  a  few 
days  before  tbe  first  day  of  April.  Old  Grab  bas  been 
sued  for  bis  niggers,  and  now  v/on't  give  'em  in  because  tbe 
case  ain't  determined.  Old  Gitall  bouo-bt  bis  salt  at  twen- 
ty-five  cents,  and  won't  give  it  in  any  more  because  be  ain't 
sold  it,  and  it  migbt  go  down.  Old  Crib  cuts  down  bis 
corn  about  balf,  for  be  makes  an  allowance  for  rotage, 
rataofe,  sbiinkao-e,  drao-o-ao-e,  lossao-e,  and  stealao-e.  Old 
Hooks's  land  is  wortb  a  cool  bundred  tbousand,  but  be 
returns  it  at  tbirty,  because  be  says  it  don't  make  any  more 
truck  tban  it  used  to.  And  tbere's  all  mankind  in  general 
wbo  are  twisting  and  sbirkiug,  and  give  in  tbeir  property 
at  a  beap  too  little,  for  fear  of  making  it  a  Httle  too  mucb. 
Gee  wbilikens,  Juba ;  wbat  a  fortune  I  could  make  by  buy- 
ing folks'  property  at  tbeir  own  valuation ;  wbat  a  power 
of  perjury  is  to  be  tried  or  confessed  ou  tbe  other  side  of 
Jordan ;  wbat  a  criminal  docket ;  wbat  a  power  of  trav- 
ellino-  to  tbose  sultry,  sulpbury  regions,  wbere  sbade-trees 
don't  grow,  and  tbere  ain't  no  cbance  to  be  dodging 
around ! 


DODGING    AROUND,    ETC.  75 

But  this  prolonged  war  has  produced  more  sublime 
specimens,  more  various  fashions  of  dodging  around.  Of 
late  it  has  been  my  high  pri\'ilege  to  observe  the  cavalry — 
the  horse  cavalry,  which  ever  and  anon  migrates  andvaria- 
gates  and  perambulates  through  and  through  a  bleeding 
country.  They  are  perhaps  the  most  majestic  sight  that 
belong  to  the  animal  kingdom,  and  such  are  the  j^rofound 
impression  which  their  august  presence  do  make  upon  a 
close  obsen'er,  that  one  week's  view  will  satisfy  his  whole 
curiosity  for  the  next  fifty  years  to  come.  Their  brilliant  ap- 
pearance is  far  too  powerful  for  weak  eyes  to  endure  more 
than  about  seven  days  in  the  year.  The  infantry  and  ar- 
tillery is  called  the  two  arms  of  the  service,  and  do  veiy 
well  in  their  places,  but  the  horse  cavalry  are  the  tv/o  legs 
— they  are  the  engine  of  locomotion,  the  wheels  of  progress, 
and  hence  can  travel  better  and  retire  quicker  and  occupy 
a  heap  more  ubiquity.  If  a  philosopher  wishes  to  see  the 
perfection  and  beauty  of  animal  motion,  let  him  get  on  a 
mountain  and  observe  the  horse  cavalry  as  they  wind  about 
the  fields,  and  the  farms,  and  the  gardens,  the  orchards, 
the  corn -patches,  and  potato-patches,  the  bee-gums  and 
chicken-coops,  and  he  will  be  filled  with  admiration  and 
astonishment  at  the  way  they  go  dodging  around.  The 
sleight  and  rapidity  with  which  they  perform  their  evolu- 
tions, are  said  to  be  accomplished  by  their  peculiar  drill, 
which  is  called  damning — they  dam  their  eyes,  and  they 
dam  their  ears,  and  they  dam  their  guns,  and  their  boots, 


76 


BILL    AEP. 


and  their  mill-saw  spurs,  and  they  dam  their  horses  to  make 
'em  go  faster,  and  they  dam  the  fences  to  make  'em  come 
down,  and  they  dam  the  poor  farmer  to  make  him  dry  up : 
hence,  I  am  told  that  Major  Mike  Makin  always  speaks  of 
'em  as  the  "  dam  cavalry,"  which  expression  might  be  con- 
sidered impolite,  but  the  Major  has  a  way  of  saying  it  so 
flat  and  long  that  of  course  he  intends  it  to  be  eulogistic. 
What  curious  ideas  of  recniiting  they  have  got !  Here 
they  were  sent  to  recruit  their  horses  and  rest  'em,  and 
strengthen  'em,  and  you  can  see  'em  at  it  by  day  and  by 
night,  in  an  everlasting  gallop,  going  whippity-whoppity, 
flippity-floppity,  just  dodging  around  all  over  the  land.  It 
has  been  thought  that  our  county  court  done  the  biggest 
road  business  of  any  similar  road  factory  in  the  State  ;  but 
if  a  man  can  travel  any  big  road,  or  any  little  road,  new 
road,  or  old  road,  public  road  or  private  road,  any  mill 
path  or  still-house  path,  any  cow  trail,  or  hog  trail,  and  not 
meet  from  two  to  ten  of  the  d-a-m  cavalr}',  then  their  camp 
had  been  moved  some  three  davs  before.  It  takes  'em  at  least 
that  long  to  quit  a  good  country  after  they  have  left  it,  for  they 
are  at  it,  and  on  it,  and  in  it,  and  around  it,  and  over  it,  and 
under  it,  till  it  seems  like  they  have  to  slufF  off,  like  a  scab 
on  a  sore-back  mule.  Grand,  gloomy,  and  peculiar,  as 
Bonaparte  said,  they  go  dodging  around.  Gloomy  to 
those  who  have  something  they  want,  and  very  peculiar  as 
they  carry  it  off.     Swapping  horses  is  a  weakness  to  which 


DODGING   AROUND,    ETC.  77 

they  are  subject,  but  tliey  give  a  man  very  little  trouble  that 

way,  for  they  can  swap  with  him  when  he  ain't  at  home,  or 

when  he's  asleep,  just  as  well  as  if  he  was  awake  and  was 

there. 

But  hurrah  for  the  cavalry  ^    When  a  big  battle  has 

been  fought,  and  the  enemy  got  whipped,  how  majestic 
they  appear  as  they  follow  up  the  skedaddlers,  what  sub- 
lime manoeuvres  they  have  on  such  occasions  !  It  was  at 
such  a  time  I  suppose  Solomon  writ  about  'em  and  said 
"  he  snuffeth  the  battle  afar  off."  When  they  are  pm'suing 
a  panic-struck  enemy,  or  laying  in  wait  for  a  train  of  cars, 
or  assaulting  an  ungarded  caravan  of  wagons,  the  Con- 
federate horse  cavalry  may  be  said  to  be  invincible.  On 
such  occasions  they  load  themselves  down  with  dry  goods, 
and  wet  goods,  and  blankets,  and  hats,  and  boots  and 
booty,  and  ticklers,  and  canteens  with  contents  noticed.  I 
once  heard  a  poor  infantry  say  as  he  was  hunting  over  the 
ground  he  fought,  "  Let's  go  home,  Jim,  the  cavalry  have 
been  here  and  licked  up  every  d-a-m  thing- — after  we 
whipped  the  fight  here,  they  come  just  ripping  and  snort' 
ing,  and  dodging  around." 

But  taxes  and  cavalry  stand  aside,  for  they  can't  com- 
pete with  that  numerous  class  who  are  dodging  conscrip- 
tion. They've  kept  out  so  long,  and  worked  so  hard  to 
stay  out  still  longer,  and  sweat  so  much  in  dodging  around, 
and  they've  read  so  much  of  big  battles,  and  of  so  much 


78  BILL    AEP. 

flesh  and  blood,  and  sucli  horrible  carnage,  that  the  bare 
sight  of  an  enrolling  officer  gives  'em  a  heart  palpitation. 
They  can't  sleep  for  imagining  that  the  screech  owl  is 
screaming,  and  the  boomerang  howling  their  funeral  dirge ; 
that  their  bones  are  to  bleach  in  some  gully,  or  to  rot  in 
some  thicket,  far,  far  away,  where  ghosts  and  boogers  go 
dodging  around.  How  rapidly  some  folks  grow  old  in 
these  trying  times — what  a  prolific  year  for  boy  children 
it  was  in  the  year  1817  !  Such  is  the  rapid  progi'ess  of 
human  events  in  these  fio-htino-  times,  that  a  man  who  was 
only  forty  last  year,  can  be  forty-six  this.  Even  old 
f'ather  Time  has  put  on  his  spurs,  and  now  he  goes  dodg- 
ing around. 

There's  the  mail  must  be  earned,  the  telegTaph  at- 
tended to,  steamboats  and  cars  must  travel,  shoes  must  be 
made,  potash  be  burnt,  and  all  mechanics  must  go  ahead ; 
and  then  there's  the  numerous  holes  and  hiding-places 
around  a  depot,  or  hospital,  or  the  Quartermaster's  depart- 
ment, or  the  passport  office,  etc.,  but  the  bulk  of  the 
dodging  is  done  in  the  chronic  line.  Before  this  develop- 
ing war,  it  was  not  thought  possible  for  so  much  rheu- 
matics and  chronics,  so  many  sore  legs  and  weak  backs,  to 
exist  in  a  limestone  country.  Oh !  if  I  was  a  doctor,  how 
I  would  dose  'em,  and  drug  'em,  and  fill  'em  with  ipecac ! 
I  would  quit  my  general  practice,  and  put  out  a  shingle 
with  "  chronics  "  painted  in  large  letters  on  it.     If  I  was 


DODGING    AROUND,    ETC.  79 

the  Congress,  tliey  should  be  compelled  to  come  to  my 
office  at  least  twice  a  week,  and  be  blistered,  and  phys- 
icked, and  cupped.  I  would  cure  'em  or  kill  'em,  and 
then  our  poor,  bleeding  country  would  have  sound  men  or 
none  ;  and  that's  the  way  to  stop  dodging  around. 

Yours, 
B.  A. 


LETTER  FROM  BILL  ARP. 

Rome,  Ga.,  March  ^^  1864. 
Mr.  Intelligencer — 

Sir  :  Being  prodigiously  bothered  about  the  currency, 
I  presume  to  ask  you  for  some  information.  In  these  re- 
gions it  appears  that  all  mankind,  including  free  niggers, 
and  niggers  expecting  to  be  free,  are  split  up  into  two 
classes — those  that  know  something,  and  those  that  know 
nothino; — ^one  of  whom  I  am  which. 

The  great  question  which  agitates  us  now  is,  "  must  I 
fund  my  money  or  not,"  and  if  not,  what  shall  I  do  with 
it  ?  Therefore  being  in  a  sort  of  fog  myself,  I  desire  you 
to  answer  the  following  interrogatories  consecutively. 
As  follows,  namely,  viz.,  to  wit — If  8  per  cent,  bonds  and 
T.SO  notes  are  taxed  5  per  cent,  by  the  new  bill,  what 
made  'em  jump  up  instead  of  jumping  down  the  day  the 
bill  was  published?  Why  are  they  better  than  4  per 
cent,  bonds  which  are  not  taxed  at  all  ?  Again — can  you 
fund  any  sum  under  a  hundred  dollars,  and  if  you  cannot, 


LETTER   FROM   BILL    ARP.  81 

what  is  a  fellow  to  do  wlio  has  got  only  ninety  dollars  ?  K 
he  cannot  fun  it,  will  there  be  any  fan  in  losing  thirty  of 
it? 

Again — is  it  possible  for  the  soldiers  who  are  afar  off, 
and  their  families  that  don't  take  the  papers,  to  find  out 
in  time  how  to  fund  their  money,  and  where  to  fund  it  ? 
Won't  the  five  dollar  bills  that  are  now  hid  out  come  forth 
like  a  bear,  and  lick  up  the  tens  and  twenties  at  a  heavy 
discount  ?  Again — suppose  I  spend  four  hundred  dollars, 
and  get  a  certificate  to  that  effect,  how  am  I  going  to  buy 
five  bushels  of  corn  with  it  ?  Who  is  to  make  the  change  ? 
Again — how  long  before  enough  of  the  new  currency  can 
get  out  to  do  the  business  of  the  country  ?  Can  the  Gov- 
ernment pay  out  more  than  a  million  a  day,  and  will  it  not 
be  a  long  period  of  time  before  any  of  it  gets  to  my 
house  ?  Again — was  this  bill  intended  to  raise  the  price 
of  trade  and  trucks,  or  to  fall  it  ?  If  the  latter,  please  in- 
form me  what  commodity  is  getting  cheaper,  and  I  will 
buy  some  of  it,  and  let  the  funding  slide.  If  you  say  so, 
I  will  send  you  my  pile,  with  instructions  to  invest  in  the 
first  thing  that  gets  down  to  the  price  it  was  the  first  day 
the  bill  was  published.  It  makes  no  difference  whether  it 
is  goobers  or  grindstones,  sugar  or  salt,  fine  combs  or  curry- 
combs, or  honeycombs — just  pitch  in  freely  and  promis- 
cuously— bet  it  on  some  bob-tail  nag  if  you  want  to. 

Well,  Mr.  Editor,  as  I  have  remarked,  there  is  an  ex- 
tensive class  who  does  not  know  any  thing  about  these  ab- 


82  BILL   AEP. 

stract  tilings,  one  of  whom  I  am  whicli ;  but  it  does  seem 
to  be  a  funny  bill.  Congress  must  have  had  a  funny  time 
over  it  in  secret  session.  No  wonder  it  is  to  take  effect  on 
the  funniest  day  in  the  year,  and  by  the  time  we  all  get 
through  funding  our  funds,  there  will  be  more  April  fools 
than  my  rooster  can  crow  at. 

It  is  whispered  around  in  select  circles  (and  that  is 
how  I  came  to  hear  it),  that  this  bill  would  not  have  passed, 
but  Mr.  Memminger  lost  his  account-book  when  they  had 
the  last  big  scare  in  Richmond,  and  he  informed  Congress 
that  there  was  no  way  to  tell  how  much  money  was  out, 
without  calling  it  all  in  again.  He  was  asked  to  say  about 
how  much  he  thought  was  in  circulation ;  and  he  said  he 
hadn't  charged  his  memory  particularly,  but  according  to 
his  recollection  there  was  six  hundred  millions  or  six  thou- 
sand millions — he  was  not  certain  which. 

Mr.  Editor,  will  you  write  to  me  and  give  me  your 
peculiar  views  on  the  cuiTency,  and  adnse  me  what  to  do 
with  my  money?  If  you  was  me,  and  didn't  have  but 
four  hundred  dollars,  and  could  buy  eggs  that  was  laid 
after  the  13th  day  of  February,  wouldn't  you  buy  them  ? 
Methinks  I  hear  you  answer  in  the  language  of  Othello — 
"  Eggsactly^'' 

Yours, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — Tip  is  my  peculiar  institution,  and  he  says  he 


LETTER   FROM   BILL   ARP.  83 

feels  a  peculiar  interest  in  the  currency,  and  would  like  to 
know  as  how,  supposing  a  gentleman  desire  him  to  illumi- 
nate his  boots,  or  amputate  his  wood-pile,  will  the  gentle- 
man fork  over  a  bond,  or  just  say  "  thankee,"  or  how  ? 
He  talks  about  selling  his  axe.  v 

B.  A. 


BILL  ARP,  THE  ROMAN  RUNAGEE. 

Atlanta,  Ga.,  Mat  22,  1864. 
Mr.  Editor  :  "  Remote,  unfriended,  melancholy, 
slow,"  as  somebody  said,  I  am  seeking  a  log  in  some  vast 
wilderness,  a  lonely  roost  in  some  Okeefenokee  swamp, 
where  the  foul  invaders  cannot  travel  nor  their  pontoon 
bridges  float.  If  Mr.  Shakspeare  were  correct  when  he 
wrote  that  "  sweet  are  the  juices  of  adversity,"  then  it  is 
reasonable  to  suppose  that  me  and  my  folks,  and  many 
others,  must  have  some  sweetening  to  spare.  When  a  man 
is  aroused  in  the  dead  of  night,  and  smells  the  approach 
of  the  foul  invader ;  when  he  feels  constrained  to  chano-e  his 
base  and  become  a  runasjee  from  his  home,  leavino;  behind 
him  all  those  ususary  things  which  hold  body  and  soul  to- 
gether ;  when  he  looks,  perhaps  the  last  time,  upon  his  lovely 
home  where  he  has  been  for  many  delightful  years  raising 
children  and  chickens,  strawberries  and  peas,  lye  soap  and 
onions,  and  all  such  luxuries  of  this  sublunary  life ;  when 
he  imagines  every  unusual  sound  to  be  the  crack  of  his 
earthly  doom ;  when  from  such  influences  he  begins  a  dig- 


THE   ROMAN   KUNAGEE.  85 

nified  retreat,  but  soon  is  constrained  to  leave  tlic  dignity 
bcliind,  and  get  away  without  regard  to  the  order  of  his 
going — if  there  is  any  sweet  juice  in  the  Hke  of  that,  I 
haven't  been  able  to  see  it.  No,  Mr.  Editor,  such  scenes 
never  happened  in  Bill  Shakspeare's  day,  or  he  wouldn't 
have  written  that  line. 

I  don't  know  that  the  lovely  inhabitants  of  your  beau- 
tifiil  city  need  any  forewarnings,  to  make  'em  avoid  the 
breakers  upon  which  our  vessel  was  wrecked ;  but  for  fear 
they  should  some  day  shake  their  gory  locks  at  me,  I  will 
make  public  a  brief  allusion  to  some  of  the  painful  cir- 
cumstances which  lately  occurred  in  the  eternal  city. 

Not  many  days  ago  the  everlasting  Yankees  (may  they 
live  always  when  the  devil  gets  'em),  made  a  valiant  as- 
sault upon  the  city  of  the  hills — the  eternal  city,  where 
for  a  hundred  years  the  Indian  rivers  have  been  blending 
their  waters  peacefully  together — where  the  Choctaw  chil- 
dren built  their  flutter  mills,  and  toyed  with  frogs  and  tad- 
poles whilst  these  majestic  streams  were  but  little  spring 
branches  babbling  along  their  sandy  beds.  For  three  days 
and  nights  our  valiant  troops  had  beat  back  the  foul  in- 
vader, and  saved  our  pullets  from  their  devouring  jaws. 
For  three  days  and  nights  we  bade  farewell  to  every  fear, 
luxuriating  upon  the  triumph  of  our  arms,  and  the  sweet 
juices  of  our  strawberries  and  cream.  For  three  days  and 
nights  fresh  troops  from  the  South  poured  into  our  streets 
with  shouts  that  made  the  welkin  ring,  and  the  turkey 


86  BILL   AEP. 

bumps  rise  all  over  tlie  flesh  of  our  people.  We  felt  that 
Rome  was  safe — secure  ao-ainst  the  assaults  of  tlie  world, 
the  flesh,  and  the  devil,  which  last  individual  is  supposed 
to  be  that  horde  of  foul  invaders  who  are  seeking  to  flank 
us  out  of  both  bread  and  existence. 

But  alas  for  human  hopes !  Man  that  is  born  of  wo- 
man (and  there  is  no  other  sort  that  I  know  of)  has  but 
few  days  that  is  not  fall  of  trouble.  Although  the  troops 
did  shout,  although  their  brass-band  music  swelled  upon 
the  gale,  although  the  turkey  bumps  rose  as  the  welkin 
rung,  although  the  commanding  general  assured  us  that 
Rome  was  to  be  held  at  every  hazard,  and  that  on  to-mor- 
row the  big  battle  was  to  be  fought,  and  the  foul  invaders 
hurled  all  howling^  and  bleedinsj  to  the  shores  of  the  Ohio, 
yet  it  transpired  somehow  that  on  Tuesday  night  the  mil- 
itary evacuation  of  our  city  was  peremptorily  ordered. 
No  note  of  warning — no  whisper  of  alarm — no  hint  of  the 
morrow  came  from  the  muzzled  lips  of  him  who  had  lifted 
our  hopes  so  high.  Calmly  and  coolly  we  smoked  our 
killikinick,  and  surveyed  the  embarkation  of  troops,  con- 
struing it  to  be  some  grand  manoemTe  of  military  strategy. 
About  ten  o'clock  we  retired  to  rest,  to  dream  of  to-mor- 
row's victory.  Sleep  soon  overpowered  us  like  the  fog 
that  covered  the  earth,  but  nary  bright  dream  had  come, 
nary  vision  of  freedom  and  glory.  On  the  contrary,  our 
rest  was  uneasv — strawberries  and  cream  seemed  to  be 
holdiacr   secession   motions  within    our   corporate   limits, 


SKEDADDLE    IN    THE    HIGHWAY. 


p.  37. 


THE   ROMAN    RUNAGEE.  87 

when  suddenly,  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye,  a  friend  aroused 
us  from  our  slumber  and  put  a  new  phase  upon  the  "  situa- 
tion." General  Johnston  was  retreating,  and  the  blue- 
nosed  Yankees  were  to  pollute,  our  sacred  soil  the  next 
mornino;.  Then  came  the  tuoj  of  war.  With  hot  and  fe- 
verish  haste  we  started  out  in  search  of  transportation,  but 
nary  transport  could  be  had.  Time-honored  friendship, 
past  favors  shown,  everlasting  gratitude,  numerous  small 
and  lovely  children.  Confederate  currency,  new  issues,  bank 
bills,  black  bottles,  and  all  influences  were  urged  and  used 
to  secure  a  comer  in  a  car,  but  nary  corner — too  late — too 
late — the  pressure  for  time  was  fearfd  and  tremendous — 
the  steady  clock  moved  on — ^no  Joshua  about  to  lengthen 
out  the  night,  no  rolling  stock,  no  steer,  no  mule.  With 
reluctant  and  hasty  steps,  we  prepared  to  make  good  our 
exit  by  that  overland  line  which  railroads  do  not  control, 
nor  A.  Q.  Ms  impress. 

With  our  families  and  a  little  clothing,  we  crossed  the 
Etowah  bridge  about  the  break  of  day  on  Wednesday,  the 
l7th  of  May,  1864 — exactly  a  year  and  two  weeks  from 
the  time  when  General  Forrest  marched  in  triumph  through 
our  streets.  By  and  by  the  bright  rays  of  the  morning 
sun  dispersed  the  heavy  fog,  which  like  a  pall  of  death  had 
overspread  all  nature.  Then  were  exhibited  to  our  afflicted 
gaze  a  highway  crowded  with  wagons  and  teams,  cattle 
and  hogs,  niggers  and  dogs,  women  and  children,  all  mov- 
ing in  dishevelled  haste  to  parts  unknown.     Mules  were 


88  BILL   AEP. 

brayiiig,  cattle  were  lowing,  hogs  were  squealing,  sheep 
were  blating,  children  were  crying,  wagoners  were  cursing, 
whips  were  popping,  and  horses  stalling,  but  still  the  grand 
caravan  moved  on.  Everybody  was  continually  looking 
behind,  and  driving  before — everybody  wanted  to  know 
every  thing,  and  nobody  knew  any  thing.  Ten  thousand 
wild  rumors  filled  the  circumambiant  air.  The  everlasting 
cavalry  was  there,  and  as  they  dashed  to  and  fro,  gave  false 
alarms  of  the  enemy  being  in  hot  pursuit. 

About  this  most  critical  juncture  of  affairs,  some  phil- 
anthropic friend  passed  by  with  the  welcome  news  that 
the  bridge  was  burnt,  and  the  danger  all  over.  Then 
ceased  the  panic,  then  came  the  peaceful  calm  of  heroes 
after  the  strife  of  war  is  over — then  exclaimed  Frank  Ralls, 
my  demoralized  friend,  "  Thank  the  good  Lord  for  that. 
Bill,  let's  return  thanks  and  stop  and  rest — boys  let  me  get 
out  and  He  down — I'm  as  humble  as  a  dead  nigger — I  tell 
you  the  truth — I  sung  the  long  metre  doxology  as  I  crossed 
the  Etowah  bridge,  and  I  expected  to  be  a  dead  man  in 
fifteen  minutes.  Be  thankful,  fellows,  let's  all  be  thankful 
— ^the  bridge  is  bm-nt,  and  the  river  is  three  miles  deep. 
Good  sakes,  do  you  reckon  those  Yankees  can  swim  ?  Get 
up,  boys — ^let's  drive  ahead  and  keep  mo^dng — I  tell  you 
there's  no  accounting  for  any  thing  with  blue  clothes  on 
these  days — ding'd  if  I  ain't  afraid  of  a  blue-tailed  fly." 

With  a  most  distressing  flow  of  language,  he  continued 
his  rhapsody  of  random  remarks. 


THE   ROMAN   EUNAGEE.  89 

Then  there  was  that  trump  of  good  fellows,  Big  John 
— as  clever  as  he  is  fat,  and  as  fat  as  old  Falstaff — with  in- 
de/arigable  diligence  he  had  secured,  as  a  last  resort,  a 
one-horse  steer  spring  wagon,  with  a  low,  flat  body  sitting 
on  two  rickety  springs.  Being  mounted  thereon,  he  was 
urging  a  more  speedy  locomotion  by  laying  on  to  the  car- 
cass of  the  poor  old  steer  with  a  thrash-pole  some  ten  feet 
long.  Ha\dng  stopped  at  a  house,  he  procured  a  two-inch 
auger,  and  boring  a  hole  through  the  dashboard,  pulled 
the  steer's  tail  through  and  tied  up  the  end  in  a  knot. 
"  My  running  gear  is  weak,"  said  he,  "  but  I  don't  intend 
to  be  stuck  in  the  mud.  If  the  body  holds  good,  and  the 
steer  don't  pull  off  his  tail,  why,  Bill,  I  am  safe."  "  My 
friend,"  said  I,  "  will  you  please  to  inform  me  what  port 
you  are  bound  for,  and  when  you  expect  to  reach  it  ? " 
"  No  port  at  all.  Bill,"  said  he,  "  I'm  going  dead  straio-ht 
to  the  big  Stone  Mountain.  I  am  going  to  get  on  the  top 
and  roll  rocks  down  upon  all  mankind.  I  now  forewarn 
every  living  thing  not  to  come  there  until  this  everlasting 
foolishness  is  over."  He  was  then  but  three  miles  from 
town,  and  had  been  travelling  the  livelong  night.  Ah,  my 
big  friend,  thought  I,  When  wilt  thou  arrive  at  thy  journey's 
end  ?  In  the  language  of  Patrick  Henry,  Will  it  be  the 
next  week  or  the  next  rear  ?  Oh  that  I  could  write  a 
poem,  I  would  embalm  thy  honest  face  in  epic  verse.  I 
can  only  di'op  to  thy  pleasant  memory  a  passing  random 
rhyme  ? 


90  BILL   AEP. 

Farewell,  Big  John,  farewell ! 

'Twas  painful  to  my  heart 
To  see  thy  chances  of  escape, 

"Was  that  old  steer  and  cart. 

Methinks  I  see  thee  now, 

With  axletrecs  all  broke. 
And  wheels  with  nary  hub  at  all, 

And  hubs  with  nary  spoke. 

• 

But  though  the  mud  is  deep. 

Thy  wits  will  never  fail ; 
That  faithful  steer  will  take  thee  out. 

If  thou  wilt  hold  his  tail. 

Mr.  Editor,  under  such  variegated  scenes  we  reported 
progress,  and  in  course  of  time  arrived  under  the  shadow 
of  thy  city's  wings  abounding  in  gratitude  and  joy. 

With  sweet  and  patient  sadness,  the  tender  hearts  of 
our  wives  and  daughters  beat  mournfully  as  we  moved 
along.  Often,  alas  wow  often,  was  the  tear  seen  swimming 
in  the  eye,  and  the  lip  quivering  with  emotion,  as  memory 
lingered  around  deserted  homes,  and  thoughts  dwelt  upon 
past  enjo}Tnents  and  future  desolation.  We  plucked  the 
wild  flowers  as  he  passed,  sang  songs  of  merriment,  ex- 
changed our  wit  with  children — smothering,  by  every 
means,  the  sorrow  of  our  fate.  These  thino-s,  too-ether 
with  the  comic  events  that  occurred  by  the  way,  were  the 
safety-valves  that  saved  the  poor  heart  fi'om  bursting.     But 


THE   KOMAN    KUNAGEE.  91 

for  these,  our  heads  would  have  been  fountains  and  our 
hearts  a  river  of  tears.  Oh,  if  some  kind  friend  would  set 
our  retreat  to  music,  it  would  be  greatly  appreciated  in- 
deed. It  should  be  a  plaintive  tune,  interspersed  w^ith  oc-' 
casional  comic  notes  and  frequent  fuges  scattered  promiscu- 
ously alonfj. 

Our  retreat  was  conducted  in  excellent  good  order, 
after  the  bridge  loas  burnt.  If  there  was  any  straggling  at 
aU,  they  straggled  ahead.  It  would  have  delighted  Gen- 
eral Johnston  to  have  seen  the  alacrity  of  our  movements. 

The  great  struggle  of  our  contest  seemed  to  be  which 
army  could  retreat  the  fastest — General  Johnston's  or  ours 
— which  could  outflank  the  other — and  I  allow  as  it  was  pull 
Dick,  pull  devil,  between  'em.  It  is  a  source  of  regret, 
however,  that  some  of  our  households  of  the  African 
scent  have  fallen  back  into  the  arms  of  the  foul  invaders. 
I  suppose  they  may  now  be  called  miscegenators,  and  by 
this  time  are  increasing  the  stock  of  Odour  d^Afrique  in 
Northern  society,  which  popular  perfume  crowds  out  of  the 
market  all  those  extracts  which  made  X.  Bazin  Jules  Haule 
and  Lubin  famous.  Good-bye,  sweet  otto  of  roses ;  farewell, 
ye  balm  of  a  thousand  flowers — your  days  are  numbered. 

But  I  must  close  this  melancholy  narrative,  and  hasten 

to  subscribe  myself 

Your  runagee, 

BILL  ARP. 
P.  S.— Tip  is  still  faithful  unto  the  end.     He  says  the 


92  BILL    ARP. 

old  turkey  we  left  behind  has  been  setting  for  fourteeu 
weeks,  and  the  fowl  invaders  are  welcome  to  her.  Further- 
more, that  he  threw  a  dead  cat  in  the  well,  and  they  are 

welcome  to  that. 

B.  A. 


TIP   WELCOMES   THE   FOWL    ISYADEEl. 


J>.  92. 


ins  LATE  TRIALS   AND  ADVEN- 
TURES, 

Some  frog-eating  Frenchman  has  written  a  book,  and 
called  it  "  Lee's  Miserables,"  or  some  other  such  name, 
which  I  suppose  contains  the  misfortunes  of  poor  refugees 
in  the  wake  of  the  Virginny  army.  General  Hood  has  also 
got  a  few  miserables  in  the  suburbs  of  his  fighting-ground, 
and  if  any  man  given  to  romance  would  like  a  fit  subject 
for  a  weeping  narrative,  Ave  are  no\v  ready  to  furnish  the 
mournful  material. 

As  the  Yankees  remarked  at  Bull  Run,  "  these  are  the 
times  that  try  men's  soles,"  and  I  suppose  ray  interesting 
family  is  now  prepared  to  show  stone  bruises  and  blis- 
ters with  anybody.  It  is  a  long  story,  Mr.  Editor,  and 
cannot  possibly  be  embraced  in  a  single  column  of  your 
wandering  newspaper;  but  I  will  condense  it  as  briefly  as 
possible,  smoothing  over  the  most  affecting  parts  so  as  not 
to  occasion  too  great  a  diffusion  of  sympathetic  tears. 

After  our  hasty  flight  from  the  eternal  city,  we  became 


94  BILL    AEP. 

converted  over  to  the  doctrine  of  squatter  sovereignty,  and 
pitclied  our  tents  in  the  piney  woods.  Afar  off  in  those 
fields  of  illimitable  space,  we  roamed  through  the  abstruse 
regions  of  the  philosophic  world.  There  no  unfriendly  sol- 
dier was  perusing  around  and  asking  for  papers.  There 
the  melancholy  mind  was  soothed.  There  the  lonely  runna- 
gee  could  contemplate  the  sandy  roads,  the  wire-grass 
woods,  and  the  million  of  majestic  pines  that  stood  like 
ten-pins  in  an  alley,  awaiting  some  huge  cannon-ball  to  come 
along  and  knock  'em  down.  The  mountain  scenery  in  this 
romantic  country  was  grand,  gloomy,  and  peculiar,  consist- 
ing in  numberless  gopher-hills,  spewed  up  in  promiscuous 
beauty  as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach.  All  around  us,  the 
swamp  frogs  were  warbling  their  musical  notes.  All 
above  us,  the  pines  were  sighing  and  singing  their  mourn- 
ful tunes.  Dame  Nature  has  spread  herself  there  in  show- 
iuo;  her  lavish  hand,  and  wastinor  timber  alono;  those  end- 
less  glades.  Truly,  we  were  treading  on  classic  ground,  for 
we  pitched  our  tents  in  a  blackberiy  patch,  and  morning, 
noon,  and  night,  luxuriated  in  peace  upon  the  delicious 
fruit  which  everywhere  adorned  the  sandy  earth. 

But  those  piney  woods  to  which  we  fled,  did  not, 
by  any  means,  agree  with  our  ideas  of  future  comfort. 
After  it  had  rained  some  forty  days  and  forty  nights  with- 
out a  recess,  the  corn  crop  had  pretty  well  died  out,  and 
General  Starvation  seemed  about  to  assume  command  of 
the  regions  round  about.     Our  nearesf  neighbor  cropped 


niS    LATE   TRIALS   AND   ADVENTURES.  95 

it  over  some  seven  hundred  acres  of  scattering  land,  situ- 
ated from  six  to  ten  inches  under  water.  Takinor  a  wade 
^ith  him  one  day  over  his  farm,  we  concluded  that  if 
it  didn't  rain  any  more  and  the  entire  crop  was  prudently- 
gathered,  he  might  probably  make  a  peck  to  the  acre 
of  peckerwood  nubbins.  The  hopes  of  the  family  seemed 
to  fix  upon  the  prospect  of  a  pea  crop  that  was  yet  to 
come,  and  it  was  sorrowfully  amusing  to  see  the  old  gen- 
tleman lookinfj  everywhere  for  an  early  blossom.  He 
found  one  at  last,  and  'lighting  from  his  mule,  he  sat  on  a 
lightwood  stump  close  by  for  half  an  hour,  and  would  have 
stayed  longer,  no  doubt,  if  I  hadn't  induced  him  away. 
"  Did  you  see  any  sign  of  peas  ? "  said  the  good  lady. 
"  Yes,  madam,"  said  I.  "  How  many  do  you  think  we 
will  make?"  said  she.  "I  think,  mam,"  said  I,  "if  it 
stops  raining,  you  may  make  some  twenty-five  or  thirty." 

"  Alas,  poor  Yorik,"  as  Sam  Patch  said.  In  a  week 
more  the  army  worm  had  come  along  and  devoured  every 
pea-vine  upon  the  plantation.  We  felt  constrained  to  de- 
part from  those  coasts,  and  seek  an  Egypt  somewhere  in  a 
rounder  and  more  rolling  country.  Accordingly,  we  soon 
landed  our  interesting  family  at  a  depot  on  the  Mobile  and 
Girard  Railroad,  en  route  for  Columbus.  This  little  road 
is,  in  my  opinion,  the  only  respectable  railway  in  the  Con- 
federate States.  It  is  a  small  concern  of  its  kind,  it's  true, 
for  it  don't  run  anywhere  in  particular,  and  only  connects 
with  a  little  spring  branch  in  the  piney  woods,  some  forty- 


DQ  BILL   AEP. 

five  miles  from  Columbus.  When  tlie  brancli  goes  dry,  I 
suppose  the  train  don't  run  quite  so  far,  but  stops  at 
any  pine-tree  on  the  way  after  the  last  passenger  gets  off. 
The  floor  of  the  nice  new  passenger  car  is  sprinkled 
all  over  every  morning  with  clean  white  sand,  and  you 
can  mix  yourself  up  with  the  ladies  like  unto  the  olden 
tune  before  the  war,  and  the  mumps,  and  the  measles  broke 
loose.  No  gray-eyed  soldier  stands  on  the  platform  to 
keep  you  out.  No  rusty  bayonet  is  pointing  about  to 
make  a  man  feel  mean.  No  passport  agent  comes  sliding 
along  asking  for  papers.  On  the  contrary,  all  is  quiet  and 
peaceful,  and  the  kind-hearted  conductor  is  only  anxious  to 
collect  your  fare,  and  make  you  comfortable. 

All  along  the  line,  at  every  station,  pretty  women  get 

on  and   off.      When  they  leave  us,  an  affectionate  man 

like  myself  unconsciously  whispers,  "  Depart  in  peace,  ye 

treasures   of  delight."     As  the  train  moves  off  we  cast 

a  longing,  lingering  look  behind,  exclaiming  in  the  beauti- 

fal  language  of  Mr.  Shakspeare,  '  I  have  thee  not,  but  yet  I 

see  thee  still.'      Farewell,   sweet   darlings,   until   I   come 

again.     Be  careful,  Mr.  Coleman,  of  j'our  precious  freight, 

and  when  you  tire  of  your  delightful  position,  just  tell  Mr. 

Mitchell  to  consider  me  in.     But  woman   is  sometimes 

very  variegated  and  peculiar  in  the  Avay  she  does.     I  am 

just  reminded  how,  on  a  late  occasion,  T  found  but  one  va 

cant  seat  in  the  car  after  I  located  my  numerous  and  in 

t  ere  sting  family.     A  luxurious  lady,  with  some  aggravating 


niS    LATE   TRIALS    AND    ADVENTUEES.  97 

curls,  had  occupied  nearly  all  of  a  seat,  spreading  herself 
like  a  setting-hen,  all  over  the  velvet  cushion.  "  Madam, 
can  I  share  this  seat  with  you  ? "  said  I.  "  Certainly,  sir," 
and  she  closed  in  her  skirts  some  several  inches.  In 
a  short  space  of  time  she  became  affected  with  drowsi- 
ness. Her  neck  became  as  limber  as  a  greasy  rag.  Lean- 
ing on  my  shoulder,  she  seemed  wonderfully  affectionate, 
as  her  head  kept  bobbing  around,  and  I  felt  very  peculiar 
at  such  times  as  she  would  subside  into  my  palpitating 
bosom.  About  this  critical  juncture,  I  ventured  to  turn 
my  astonished  gaze  towards  Mrs.  Arp,  and  seeing  that  she 
was  waiting  for  some  remark,  I  observed,  "  Hadn't  I  bet- 
ter remove  my  seat  ?  Do  you  think  I  can  endure  the  like 
of  this  ? " 

"  I  do  not,  Wilhara,"  said  she.  "  You  had  better 
stand  up  awhile,  and  when  you  get  tired  some  of  the  chil- 
dren will  relieve  you."  The  glance  of  her  eye  and  the 
manner  in  which  she  spoke  brought  me  up  standing,  and 
gave  me  a  correct  view  of  the  situation.  Immediately  I 
assumed  a  perpendicular  attitude,  and  the  curly  head  was 
left  without  a  prop.  I  assure  you,  Mr.  Editor,  a  man's 
wife  is  the  best  judge  of  such  peculiar  things ;  and  as  for 
me,  I  am  always  governed  by  it. 

We  arrived  in  Atlanta  about  the  time  the  first  big  shells 

commenced  scattering  their  unfeeling  contents  among  the 

suburbs  of  that  devoted  city.     Then  come  the  big  panics ; 

then  shrieked  the  man-eater ;  then  howled  the  wild  hyena 

5 


98  .  BILL   ARP. 

among  the  hills  of  Babylon.    All  sorts  of  people  seemed  mov- 
ing in  all  sorts  of  ways,  with  an  accelerated  motion.     They 
gained  ground  on  their  shadows  as  they  leaned  forward  on 
the  run,  and  their  legs  grew  longer  at  every  step.     With 
me  it  was  the  second  ringing  of  the  first  bell.     I  had  sorter 
got  used  to  the  thing,  and  set  myself  down  to  take  observa- 
tions.    "  How  many  miles  to  Milybright  ? "  said  I.     But 
no  response  came,  for  their  legs  were  as  long  as  light,  and 
every  bursting  shell  was  an  old  witch  on  the  road.     Cars 
was  the  all  in  all.     Depots  were  the  centre  of  space,  con- 
verging lines  from  every  point  of  the  compass  made  tracks 
to  the  ofiices  of  railroad  superintendents.     These  function- 
aries very  prudently  vamosed  the  ranche  to  avoid  their  too 
numerous  friends,  leaving  positive  orders  to  their  subordi- 
nates.    The  passenger  depot  was  thronged  with  anxious 
seekers  of  transportation.     "  Won't  you  let  these  boxes  go 
as  baggage  ? "     "  No,  madam,  it  is  impossible."     Just  then 
somebody's  family  trunk  as   big  as  a  nitre  bureau  was 
shoved  in,  and  the  poor  w^oman  got  desperate.     "  All  I've 
got  ain't  as  heavy  as  that,"  said  she  ;  "  I  am  a  poor  widow, 
and  my  husband  was  killed  in  the  army.     I've  got  five 
children,  and  three  of  them  cutting  teeth,  and  my  things 
have  got  to  go."     We  took  up  her  boxes  and  shoved  them 
in.     Another  good  woman  asked  very  anxiously  for  the 
Macon  train.     "  There  it  is,  madam,"  said  I.     She  shook 
her  head  mournfully  and  remarked,  "  You  are  mistaken,  sir, 
don't  you  see  the  engine  is  headed  right  up  the  State  road; 


ATLANTA     PANICS. 


p.  99. 


HIS   LATE   TRIALS    AND   ADVENTURES.  99 

towards  the  Yankees  ?  I  sha'n't  take  any  train  with  the 
engine  at  that  end  of  it.  No,  sir,  that  ain't  the  Macon 
train."  Everywhere  w^as  hurrying  to  and  fro  at  a  lively 
tune.  "  What's  to-day,  nigger,"  said  a  female  darkey, 
with  a  hoop  skirt  on  her  arm.  "  'Tain't  no  day,  honey,  dat 
eber  I  seed.  Yestiday  was  Sunday,  and  I  reckon  to-day  is 
Runday  from  dc  way  de  white  folks  are  movin'  about. 
Yah,  yah ;  ain't  afeered  of  Yankees  myself,  but  dem  sizzin 
bum-shells  kill  a  nigger  quicker  dan  you  can  lick  your 
tongue  out.     Gwine  to  git  away  fi*om  here — I  is." 

I  went  into  a  doctor's  shop,  and  found  my  friend  pack- 
ing up  his  vials  and  poisons  and  copaiva  and  such  like. 
Various  excited  individuals  come  in,  looked  at  a  big  map 
on  the  wall,  and  pointed  out  the  roads  to  McDonough  and 
Eatonton  and  Jasper,  and  soon  their  proposed  lines  of 
travel  were  easily  and  greasily  visible  from  the  impression 
of  their  perspiring  fingers.  An  old  skeleton,  with  but 
one  leg,  was  swinging  from  the  ceiling,  looking  like  a 
mournful  emblem  of  the  fate  of  the  troubled  city.  "  You 
are  going  to  leave  him  to  stand  guard,  doctor  ? "  said  I. 
"  I  suppose  I  will,"  said  he ;  "  got  no  transportation  for 
him."  "  Take  the  screw  out  of  his  skull,"  said  I,  "  and 
give  him  a  crutch,  maybe  he  will  travel ;  all  flesh  is  moving 
and  I  think  the  bones  will  catch  the  contagion  soon." 

A  few  doors  further,  and  a  venerable  auctioneer  was 
surveying  the  rushing,  running  crowd,  and  every  now  and 
then  he  would  raise  his  arm  with  a  seesaw  motion  and  ex- 


100  BILL    AEP. 

claim,  "  Going — going — gone  !  Who's  the  bidder  ? "  "  Old 
Daddy  Time,"  said  I,  "  he'll  get  them  all  before  long."  The 
door  of  an  old  friend's  residence  swung  open  to  my  gaze, 
and  I  walked  in.  Various  gentlemen  of  my  acquaintance 
were  discussing  their  evidences  of  propriety  over  a  jug  of 
departing  spirits.  "  I  believe  I'll  unpack,"  said  one, 
"  dinged  if  I'm  afraid  of  a  blue-tailed  lly  ;  I'm  going  to 
sit  down  and  be  easy.  "  In  a  horn,"  said  I.  Just  then  a 
sizzing,  singing,  crazy  shell  sung  a  short-metre  hymn  right 
over  the  house.  "  Jake,  has  the  dray  come  ? "  he  said, 
bouncing  to  his  feet ;  "  confound  that  dray — blame  my 
skin  if  I'U  ever  get  a  dray  to  move  these  things — ^boys, 
let's  take  another  drink."  After  w^hich,  another  friend  re- 
marked, "  Boys,  let's  all  stay  ;  durned  if  it  don't  look  cow- 
ardly to  run  !  Boys,  here's  to — who  shall  we  drink  to  ? " 
"  Here's  to  Cassabianca,"  said  I.  "  Good,  good,"  they  all 
shouted.  "Here's  to  Cabysianka.  Let  me  speak  it  for 
you,  boys,"  said  our  host;  "I've  spoken  it  a  thousand 
times."  He  mounted  the  seat  of  a  broken  sofa,  and 
spreading  himself,  declaimed  : 

"  '  The  boy  stood  burning  on  the  deck, 
When  all  had  fled  but  him.'  " 

"That's  me,"  said  one.  "It's  me  exactly,"  said  an- 
other. "I'm  Cabysianka  myself — dog  my  cat  if  I  don't 
be  the  last  one  to  leave  this  ship."  Another  shell  sizzed, 
and  bursted  a  few  yards  off.     "Boys,  let's  take  another 


IIIS   LATE   TKIALS    AND    ADVENTURES.  101 

drliik  and  leave  the  towa — dod  rot  the  Yankees."  "  Here's 
to — here's  to — the — the  'Last  of  the  Mohikans  '  "  said  I. 
"  Exactly — that's  so.  I'm  him  myself.  I'm  the  mast  of 
the  Lohikens  ;    durned  if  I'll  leave  these  diggings  as  long 

as — as   long   as "      "As   the   State   Road,"    said   I, 

"  which  is  now  about  four  inches  and  a  half."  "  That's  it ; 
that's  so,"  said  ray  friends.  "  Here's  to  the  State  Road 
and  Dr.  Brown  and  Joe  Phillips,  as  long  as  four  inches  and 
a  half." 

By  and  by  the  shells  fell  as  thick  as  Governor  Brown's 
proclamations,  causing  a  more  speedy  locomotion  in  the 
excited  throng  who  hurried  by  the  door,  but  my  friends 
inside  had  passed  the  Rubicon,  and  one  by  one  retired  to 
dream  of  Botzaris  and  his  Suliote  band.  Vacant  rooms 
and  long  corridors  echoed  with  their  snores,  and  they  ap- 
peared like  sleeping  heroes  in  the  halls  of  the  Mon- 
tezuraas. 

In  the  blessed  days  gone  by,  I  have  seen  the  shaking 
Quakers  going  through  their  pious  motions  and  peculiar 
attitudes.  I  have  curiously  watched  and  waited  to  dis- 
cover the  first  shake  of  the  spiritual  leg.  Then  another 
and  another  would  catch  the  delicious  trembles,  until  the 
entire  assembly  of  brethren  and  sisters  were  shuffling  their 
extremities  in  solemn  and  hysteric  beauty.  Just  so  the 
big  panics  seemed  to  inspire  the  good  people  of  At- 
lanta. The  first  good  shake  that  occurred  on  Peachtree 
was  a  foul  contagion  that  soon  spread  its  awful  trembles 


102  BILL   AEP. 

from  the  barracks  to  tlie  fair  grounds,  sweeping  iu  its  all- 
gatheriog  course  tlie  excited  population  who  peopled  its 
busy  streets. 

Eminent  physicians  have  said  that  contagious  diseases 
are  catching.  It  is  certain  they  are  well  calculated  to 
bring  mankind  to  a  horizontal  position,  and  prostrate  the 
energies  of  both  mind  and  body.  But,  from  my  own  ob- 
servation, the  Atlanta  big  panics  reverse  the  engine,  and 
brings  folks  to  an  active  pei*pendicular  quicker  than  all  the 
physic  ever  seen  in  a  city  drug-store.  It  certainly  has  a 
tendency  to  arouse  the  dormant  energies  of  feeble  invalids. 
Weak  backs  and  lame  legs,  old  chronics  and  rheumatics, 
in  fact,  all  the  internal  diseases  which  honest  fear  of  powder 
and  ball  had  developed  since  the  war  began,  were  now  for- 
gotten in  the  general  flight ;  and  the  examining  boards 
could  have  seen  many  a  discharge  invalidated,  and  a 
living,  moving  lie  given  to  their  certificates. 

All  day  and  aU  night  long  the  iron  horses  were  snorting 
to  the  echoing  breeze.  Train  after  train  of  goods  and 
chattels  moved  down  the  road,  leaving  hundreds  of  anxious 
feces  waiting  their  return.  There  was  no  method  in  this 
madness.  AU  kinds  of  plunder  was  tumbled  in  promis- 
cuously. A  huge  parlor  mirror,  some  6*  feet  by  8,  all  bound 
in  elegant  gold,  with  a  brass  buzzard  spreading  his  wings 
on  the  top,  was  set  up  at  the  end  of  the  car  and  reflected 
a  beautiful  assortment  of  parlor  furniture  to  match,  such  as 
pots,  kettles,  baskets,  bags,  barrels,  kegs,  bacon,  and  bed- 


niS   LATE   TKIALS    AND   ADVENTURES.  "  103 

steads  piled  up  together.  Government  officials  had  tlie 
preference  and  Government  officials  all  have  friends.  Any 
clever  man  with  a  charming  wife  or  a  pretty  sister  could 
secure  a  corner  in  more  cars  than  one,  and  I  will  privately 
mention  to  you,  Mr.  Editor,  that  I  have  found  a  heap  of 
civility  on  this  account  myself.  Indeed,  I  have  always 
thought  that  no  man  is  excusable  who  has  not  either  one 
or  the  other. 


I  now  reluctantly  proceed  to   that  melancholy  crisis 
which  seemed  to  have  a  personal  relation  to  my  family.  By 
the  time  that  the  city  of  Atlanta  was  somewhat  purified  of 
its  population,  I  concluded  that  discretion  was  the  better 
part  of  valor,  and  so  prepared  to  transfer  my  interesting 
family  to  some  convenient  point  on  the  Georgia  Railroad. 
We  took  the  train  one  morning  without  any  definite  idea 
where  we  would  stop.     "  Tickets,  sir,"  said  the  conductor. 
"  Nary  ticket,"  said  I.    "  How  far  are  you  going  ? "  said  he. 
Putting  on  an  air  of  sublime  indifference,  I  remarked  that 
"  I  was  not  very  particular — that  he  knew  the  road  and 
could  suit  himself."     He  cut  his  eye  along  the  line  of  my 
numerous  offspring,  and  observed  that  I  had  better  scatter 
them,  as  provisions  were  scarce.     I  paid  him  our  fare  to 
Covington,  and  so  got  rid  of  his  impertinence. 

Here  I  found  friends — dear  friends,  some  of  whom  had 
tasted  the  bitterness  of  a  running  Hfe,  and  were  fully  pre- 


104:  BILL    AEP. 

pared  to  appreciate  our  situation.  Confiding  my  family  to 
their  care,  I  jounied  to  Lawrence\dlle  in  search  of  transpor- 
tation. There  I  found  to  my  dismay  that  every  thing  that 
moved  on  wheels  and  all  four-footed  beasts  had  been 
stampeded  to  a  distant  wilderness.  I  arranged  it,  however, 
that  rolhng  stock  should  be  procured  from  the  Mulbeny 
Hills  and  sent  to  Coving-ton  with  all  possible  despatch. 
Confident  of  success,  I  took  myself  to  a  retired  refage  which 
had  been  off'ered  us,  'way  up  on  the  banks  of  the  Chatta- 
hoochee, there  to  await  the  arrival  of  my  family. 

Day  after  day  passed  by,  and  night  after  night  was 
specked  with  melancholy  stars,  but  no  family  ariived,  no 
rolling  stock  appeared  coming  over  the  distant  hill. 
Rumors  were  rampant — aggravating  rumors  of  a  terrible 
raid.  To  relieve  my  suspense  I  became  an  infantry  scout, 
and  started  in  pursuit  of  knowledge  under  many  difficul- 
ties. I  had  not  traveUed  very  far  before  I  found  to  a  moral 
certauity  that  I  was  cut  off  and  blockaded,  if  not  surround- 
ed and  ambuscaded.  The  everlasting  Yankees  were  out  on  a 
raid — a  de\iHsh  raid,  an  infernal  raid.  They  were  in  Law- 
renceville  and  had  come  from  Covinglon,  and  according  to 
reliable  information,  had  stolen  all  the  horses,  burnt  every 
dwelling,  hung  all  the  men,  drowned  all  the  children,  and 
carried  off  the  women  alive.  Frantic  and  furious,  I  rushed 
on  all  ready  to  fight,  one  against  a  thousand,  and  fate  and 
destiny  thrown  in  to  boot.  I  cannot  tell  to  this  day  how 
they  heard  I  was  coming,  but  certain  it  is,  when  I  reached 


UIS    LATE    TEIALS    AND    ADVENTUEES.  105 

the  village  of  Lawrenceville  the  raid  had  retired.     I  pre 
pared  to  pursue  my  journey,  when  I  perceived  a  wandering 
son  of  Ethiopia  coming  down  from  the  Covington  road. 
Recognizing  him,  I  inquired  what  he  knew.     "  Dem  Yan- 
kees been  to  Covinglou,  sir."    And  what  else  ?   "  Missus  left 
'em  and  went  to  de  Circle,  sir,  and  Tip  went  back  atter  de 
baggage,  sir."      And  what  else  ?     Talk  fast.     "And  dey 
got  Tip's  mules,  sir."     Go  on.     «  And  all  de  baggage,  sir." 
Don't  stop,  boy.     "  And  dey  got  Tip,  sir  ;  and  dey  made 
him  dig  his  grave,  sir ;  and  dey  went  atter  missus  and  de 
children,  sir ;  and  dey  carried  'em  all  off,  sir."    "  Stop,  boy," 
said  I,  "  let   me   sit   down,  I  am   dizzy— bring   me  some 
water."     In  a  few  minutes  I  rallied  sufficiently  to  cross-ex- 
amine this  blubbering  darkey,  and  found  that  my  family  had 
escaped  from  Covington,  and  went  to  Social  Circle.      All 
else  was  rumor  and  nigger  talk. 

About   this   time    a    messenger    from   the   wilderness 
brought  news  that  the  rolling  stock  had  been  sent  in  due 
time,  and  nearly  reached  the  journey's  end,  when  the  news 
of  the  raid  caused  a  sudden  reaction  of  course  and  motion. 
They  hurried  away  by  forced  marches  under  cover  of  night 
and  sought  safety  in  the  wilderness.     Where,  then,  was  my 
family,  and  how  did  they  travel  ?     Tip  was  there,  and  Tip 
was  a  host,  I  knew,  but  Tip  couldn't  make  wao-ons  nor 
mules,  and  there  was  none  in  the  neighborhood  that  I  could 
licar  of.     The  baggage  is  gone,  I  suppose,  said  I— all  gone. 
The  big  trunk  and  little  trunk,  and  bonnet  trank,  and  the 


106  BILL    AKP. 

boys'  trunk,  and  tlie  girls'  tmnk,  and  the  general  trunk — all 
gone.  A  thousand  gaiments  more  or  less,  for  there  was 
dresses,  frocks,  shawls,  collars,  caps,  furs,  flannels,  skirts  with 
hoops  and  without,  shoes,  stockings,  aprons,  gloves,  hand- 
kerchiefs, breeches,  drawers,  coats,  jackets,  cloaks,  bonnets, 
and  all  the  mysterious  gaiments  which  are  worn  out  of 
sight — all  gone.  And  this  was  all  we  saved  of  a  once  happy 
home.  Ah !  that  Mr.  Shakspeare  were  here  to  immortal- 
ize the  sorrow  of  our  melancholy  fate.  I  don't  mind 
trouble  when  it  comes  but  once  in  a  while ;  but  twice  in  a 
while,  or  three  times  in  a  while,  is  crushing  my  energies. 

While  brooding  over  these  imaginary  evils,  a  welcome 
voice  broke  its  familiar  sounds  upon  my  ear.  Looking  up, 
my  dehghted  vision  perceived  the  immortal  and  heroic 
Tip.  I  knew  he  had  good  news,  for  he  always  brings  it. 
He  never  waited  for  interrogatories,  but  announced,  "  Mas 
William,  all  safe  in  Madison — every  thing  safe — nary  loss 
on  our  side — glorious  victory." 

Reader,  dear  reader,  I  revived.  It  cannot  be  recorded 
how  good  a  man  can  feel  away  in  the  recesses  of  his  heart. 
With  a  voice  all  serene  I  asked :  "  Is  my  entire  family  all 
safe.  Tip,  my  boy?"  "Every  one,  sir,"  said  he;  "I 
counted  'em  when  I  got  to  Madison,  and  I  counted  'em 
agin  when  I  left  'em,  sir.  All  safe,  sir — baby  and  aU — and 
de  big  trunk,  and  de  little  trunk,  and  de  bonnet  trunk,  and 
de  boys'  tnink,  and  de  gu'ls'  trunk,  and  de  genrell  trunk." 

The  faithful  Tip  then  infoiTned  me  how  they  waited  for 


HIS   LATE   TRIALS    AND   ADVENTrKES.  107 

my  return,  and  how  the  Yankees  did  come  on  a  raid,  and 
cavorted  about,  and  how  the  ladies  let  down  all  the  valua- 
bles in  the  well  except  the  baby,  and  like  to  hid  that  in  the 
same  subterranean  hole,  and  how  finally  a  Mend  from  Mad- 
ison came  to  the  rescue,  and  stole  them  all  off  by  night ; 
and  how  my  friend  had  sent  him  all  away  round  by  Athens 
and  Jefferson  in  search  of  a  lost  man  by  the  name  of  Arp. 
"  That's  me,"  said  I,  "  I'm  him,  myself.  I  will  rest  to- 
night, and  grease  my  bhsters ;  to-morrow  we  will  take  it 
afoot  to  the  wilderness,  and  procure  transportation  once 
more."  On  this  journey  every  thing  worked  well,  and  I 
reached  the  bosom  of  my  family  on  Sunday  night.  Then 
all  went  merry  as  a  marriage  bell  until  breakfast-time  next 
morning,  when  it  was  hurriedly  announced  that  the  Yan- 
kees were  in  town  on  a  raid.  The  unsatisfied,  ubiquitous, 
infernal  wretches !     Three  times.     "  Thrice  the  brindle 

CAT    HATH    MEWED." 

Our  friends  lived  in  the  suburbs,  and  we  thereby  got  a 
little  time  for  action.  In  a  few  minutes  we  limbered  to  the 
rear,  and  from  a  retired  eminence  overlooked  the  enemy's 
operations.  My  family  had  by  this  time  become  somewhat 
acclimated  to  their  poisonous  presence,  and  so  between  the 
house  and  the  woods  we  established  an  African  telegraph 
to  communicate  the  enemy's  progress.  But  the  enemy 
made  no  demonstration  towards  our  end  of  the  town. 

They  soon  retreated  for  parts  unknown,  without  doing 
material  damage,  except  in  the  way  of  stealing  and  plun- 


108  BILL   AEP. 

dering  for  jeweliy  and  liorses.  I  liad  before  this  converted 
my  wife's  piano  into  salt,  and  the  salt  was  packed  up  in  the 
depot  at  Madison,  waiting  for  transportation.  The  raid 
didn't  burn  it,  but  I  will  mention  right  here,  that  not  long 
after  this  narrow  escape,  a  kind-hearted  man  by  the  name 
of  Sherman  came  along  with  a  parcel  of  blue  devils  and 
put  a  torch  to  the  depot,  and  my  salt  wasn't  salty  enough 
to  save  itself.  By  no  means.  It  went  up  a  spout.  I  had 
never  told  Mrs.  Arp  that  I  had  sold  her  piano  and  put  the 
money  in  salt.  She  thinks  to  this  day  that  it  was  her 
piano  that  was  burnt,  and  I  hope  she  will  never  find  out  to 
the  contraiy,  for  I'd  rather  she'd  flash  the  fire  in  those  eyes 
at  the  Yankees  than  at  me. 

After  a  week  of  delightful  recreation — a  week  of  unal- 
loyed enjoyment  in  the  society  of  pleasant  friends,  we  once 
more  beojan  our  iournev  to  the  banks  of  the  Chatta- 
hoochee. 

We  had  anticipated  much  comfort  and  satisfaction  in 
getting  off  the  line  of  railroads  and  travelling  overland  to 
our  destination.  Raihoads  don't  suit  a  runnagee  like  an 
old-fashioned  dirt  road.  They  are  so  liable  to  be  raided, 
invaded,  and  blockaded,  and  ambuscaded,  and  enfiladed, 
and  the  great  trouble  is,  they  don't  fork  enough.  Ever 
since  this  everlasting  war,  I  have  been  partial  to  a  forked 
dirt  road,  for  it  gives  a  poor  runnagee  choice  of  direction 
every  few  miles.  It's  so  easy  to  stop  or  go  on,  or  dodge 
in  the  woods,  and  chanire  latitude  and  loiifritude. 


HIS   LATE   TRIALS   AND    ADVENTURES.  109 

It  was  refreshing  to  stop  by  tlie  waj^sidc  and  answer  the 
inquiries  about  the  great  war,  and  the  artillery,  and  hear 
them  tell  over  the  horses  and  mules  that  Gen.  Wheeler's 
cavalry  had  come  along  and  stolen  in  their  neighborhood. 

At  last  we  found  an  end  to  our  trials  and  tribulations, 
for  a  time  at  least.  We  run  the  gauntlet  of  Yankee  raids 
and  rebel  cavalry,  looking  upon  the  latter  as  did  Ali  Baba 
upon  the  forty  thieves,  and  dreading  the  former  as  the 
devil  let  loose  for  a  thousand  years.  Betwixt  the  one  and 
the  other  a  poor  runnagee  had  as  well  be  among  the  Turks 
and  wild  Arabs  of  the  African  desert.  How  we  escaped 
this  combination  of  evils  I  know  not,  except  it  be  that  the 
wiit  of  habeas  corpus,  restored  to  us  by  our  Governor  and 
his  friends,  operated  like  an  unseen  and  mystic  shield  to 
protect  us  on  the  way. 

We  have  now  tried  Mr.  Sherman's  front  and  his  flanks, 
and  found  no  peace  ;  for  the  future  we  shall  rest  in  the  rear 
of  his  army,  until  dislodged  by  causes  unknown  and  un- 
foreseen. We  cannot  run  again,  for  the  reason  urged  by 
the  Texan,  who,  when  he  got  into  trouble,  took  counsel  of 
a  lawyer  as  to  what  he  should  do.  His  case  was  so  bad 
that  the  faithful  attorney  advised  him  to  run  away.  "  The 
devil,"  says  he,  "  where  shall  I  run  to  ?     I'm  in  Texas  now." 

Yours  truly, 

BILL  ARP. 


BILL  ARP  TO  THE  REBEL. 

Rome,  Ga.,  December  28,  1864. 

Dear  Rebel  :  After  sufFenng  all  the  trials  and  tribu- 
lations of  wliicli  St.  Paul  makes  mention  in  his  Epistle  to 
the  Corinthians  (xi.  chap.,  24  to  30th  ver.),  I  have  once 
more  reached  my  home  in  the  city  of  the  hills.  "  Desola- 
tion was  wrecked  upon  this  coast,"  and  my  own  beautiful 
home  has  groaned  under  the  weight  of  a  merciless  oppres- 
sion. 

Could  you  stand  upon  the  hills  of  this  desolate  city  and 
see  its  w^asted  and  withered  beauties — could  you  traverse 
our  cemetery  hill,  that  once  so  beautifully  hung  its  clus- 
tered shades  over  the  banks  of  our  rivers,  I  know  you 
would  feel  that  there  was  no  fitness  in  a  union  with  that 
people.  The  wanton  destruction  of  all  those  ornaments 
with  which  we  had  adorned  the  homes  of  our  dead,  has 
murdered  our  Christian  charity  and  stabbed  our  forgiveness 
to  the  quick.  The  digging  of  riile-pits  through  the  ceme- 
tery might  possibly  have  been  a  military  necessity,  but  it 
was  a  brutal  insult  to  our  dead  to  undermine  theii'  graves. 


TO   THE   KEBEL.  HI 

Their  harmless  bones  might  have  been  removed  to  some 
quiet  spot.  It  was  intensely  fiendish  to  take  our  orna- 
ments and  tombstones  and  place  them  like  rock  and  rub- 
bish in  their  fortifications — to  shatter  the  iron  railing  into 
a  thousand  fragments — to  pitch  their  tents  right  over  the 
ground  where  our  loved  ones  were  resting  in  hallow^ed 
peace — to  beat  their  tattoo  and  reveille,  and  sino-  their 
rude  songs,  and  chuckle  their  devilish  merriment  right 
over  the  homes  of  our  dead — the  sacred  spots  where  we 
had  planted  the  fairest  flowers  to  sweeten  their  sad  graves. 
In  taking  a  survey  of  this  desolate  and  desecrated  place, 
I  have  thought  that  if  the  spirits  of  the  dead  did  love  to 
Hnger  around  their  graves,  they  must  have  wandered  far 
away  fi-om  this  tumultuous  and  unquiet  ground. 

Within  the  same  enclosm-e  there  rests  in  peace  some 
seven  hundred  of  our  enemies'  dead,  their  graves  in  long 
ro'.ys  of  marked  precision,  every  one  carefully  hilled,  and 
liaving  neat  painted  head-boards  with  name,  and  rank,  and 
company,  and  regiment.  No  Southern  Vandal  has  yet 
been  found  to  disturb  or  displace  a  single  clod.  There  I 
trust  they  will  rest  in  unmolested  quiet,  as  a  contrast  to  the 
brutal  meanness  of  the  Yankee  nation.  Nevertheless,  we 
are  but  too  happy  to  return ;  and  should  the  heartless,  pit- 
iless invaders  of  our  peace  disturb  us  here  no  more,  we 
will  soon  restore  many  of  the  charms  that  clustered  around 
our  doors. 

How  feelingly  and  forcibly  would  I  repeat  the  language 
of  Mr.  Davis  to  the  Northern  people—"  Let  us  alone  !  " 


112  BILL   AKP. 

"  Oh,  for  one  short  year, 
To  feel  as  I  used  to  feel !  " 

v. 

I  am  tired  of  living  an  exile's  life,  for  I  have  been  a 
most  unlucty  "  runnagee."  Three  times  was  my  family 
overtaken  by  the  abominable  raiders. 

*'  Thrice  the  brindle  cat  hath  mewed, 
Thrice  and  once  the  hedge-pig  whined." 

Oh  that  we  could  now  sav,  "  Never  more  a  refuofee  !  " 
Job  was  a  good  man  and  suffered  much — very  much.  He 
stood  the  test  of  all  the  severe  afflictions  his  Maker  visited 
upon  him ;  but  from  a  careful  examination  of  his  sacred 
record,  I  do  not  find  that  he  was  ever  a  refQo:ee.  Should 
this  test  have  been  applied,  I  am  not  prepared  to  say  that 
he  would  have  stood  up  to  his  integrity. 

The  wanderers  are  retm-niug  daily,  and  it  would  do 
your  persecuted  soul  good  to  see  us  shake  hands  with 
them  as  they  come.  The  Lord  has  been  merciful  unto  us 
and  blessed  us  in  one  thing.  He  has  purged  our  popula- 
tion of  its  scum — most  of  the  tories  and  vao-abonds  went 
off  with  the  Yankees,  and  our  onlv  reo-ret  is  that  one  more 
train  did  not  come.  There  were  a  few  more  who  got 
ready  to  go,  but  could  not  for  want  of  transportation. 
They  are  still  here.  It  gives  us  the  heartburn  to  look  at 
them. 

But  I  only  started  to  write  for  your  paper  to  be  sent  to 
my  address  at  this  place.     Wc  must  have  the  news.      Wo 


TO   THE   REBEL.  113 

know  iiotliing  about  our  anny  tliat  is  reliable — hear  a  ru- 
mor that  Sherman  has  reached  the  coast  in  safety.  Well, 
if  he  has,  we  can  noiv  see  a  thousand  ways  how  he  could 
have  been  demolished.  It  reminds  me  of  the  fellow  who 
put  up  a  shanty  in  the  suburbs  of  Augusta,  wherein  to  sell 
truck,  and  trade  on  a  small  scale.  A  customer  called  in 
and  asked  if  he  had  any  onions  for  sale.  "  None,  sir,"  said 
the  huckster.  After  the  customer  had  got  off  about  a  hun- 
dred yards,  the  trader  woke  up  from  a  spell  of  thinkin'  and 
exclaimed :  "  I  wonder  if  that  dam  fool  could  have  meant 
inguns."  Of  which  latter  article  he  had  plenty.  Now,  if 
we  had  only  known  that  Sherman  meant  inguns^  how  easily 
we  could  have  sold  him  ! 


BILL  ARP  PHILOSOPHIZES  UPON 
THE  WAR,  Etc. 

Mr.  Editor — 

SiE :  If  I  could  discern  any  thing  gloomy  in  tlie  politi- 
cal liorizon,  I  would  keep  it  to  myself,  and  not  go  to  put- 
ting my  long  face  in  the  newspapers;  but  seeing  tilings  as  I 
see  'em,  I  don't  see  any  thing  in  the  situation  more  dis- 
tressing than  usual. 

My  doctrine  has  always  been,  that  if  we  was  to  fight 
and  fight  and  fight  until  our  army  was  played  out,  the  big- 
gest part  of  old  Lincoln's  job  would  be  just  begun.  After 
he  has  whipped  us,  then  he  has  got  to  subjugate  us.  He 
has  got  to  hold  us  down,  and  he  can't  do  it.  I  used  to 
have  a  neighbor  who  was  one  of  these  mean,  little,  snarl- 
ing, fic-dog  sort  of  men,  and  I  had  him  to  whip  about 
once  a  week  for  three  months,  but  I  didn't  make  a  thing 
off"  of  him.  He  would  raise  a  new  fuss  with  me  in  an  hour 
after  I  had  made  him  holler  enough,  and  finally  I  sold  him 
my  land,  and  moved  away  just  to  get  rid  of  him.  Now  the 
idea  of  old  Lincoln  taking  possession  of  so  many  towns  and 


PHILOSOPIIIZES    UPON   THE    WAJB,    ETC.  115 

cities,  and  so  much  territory,  and  holding  it  and  keeping 
so  raany  people  down,  is  utter  nonsense,  and  it  can't  be 
done.  Besides,  we  are  not  whipped  yet — not  by  three  or 
four  jug  fulls.  Suppose  Sherman  did  wallv  right  through 
the  State.  Suppose  he  did.  Was  anybody  whipped  ? 
Didn't  the  rebellion  just  close  right  up  on  the  ground  be- 
hind him,  just  like  shutting  up  a  pair  of  waffle-irons?  He 
parted  the  atmosphere  as  he  w^ent  along,  and  it  collapsed 
again  in  his  rear  immediately.  He  will  have  to  go  over 
that  old  ground  several  times  yet,  and  then  sell  out  and 
move  away. 

Well,  they  say  that  old  Abe's  Congress  has  finally  and 
forever  set  free  all  the  niggers,  by  amending  the  Constitu- 
tion. How  did  that  free  'em,  or  how  did  freeing  'em  amend 
the  Constitution?  The  darned  old  thing  has  been  broke 
for  forty  years,  and  it  is  broke  yet ;  but  suppose  they  have 
freed  'em,  it  is  no  more  than  old  Abe  has  done  three  or 
four  times  by  his  proclamations.  What  does  it  all  amount 
to  ? — I  want  to  buy  a  nigger,  and  1  had  just  as  lief  by  a 
chunk  of  a  free  nigger  as  any  other  sort.  I  don't  care  a 
bobee  about  his  being  free,  if  I  can  subjugate  him  ;  and  if 
he  gets  above  his  color,  I  will  put  thirty-nine  whelks  right 
under  his  shirt,  and  make  him  wish  that  old  Lincoln  stood 
in  his  shoes. 

But,  Mr.  Editor,  Sir  :  The  way  I  see  it  is,  that  if  we  are 
to  be  whipped  at  all,  then  the  infantry,  which  is  to  say  the 
web-feet,  are  to  be  whipped  first.      After  that,  then  comes 


116  .  BILL   AEP. 

the  tug  of  war.  Whipping  the  cavahy  will  be  the  dev- 
ilish est  undertaking  of  this  or  any  preceding  conflict.  I  tell 
yon,  sir,  they  can't  be  whipped  until  they  are  caught,  and 
that  event  will  never  transpire.  The  truth  is,  that  the  Con- 
federate cavalry  can  fight  'em,  and  dog  'em,  and  dodge 
'em,  and  bushwhack  'em,  and  bede\'il  'em,  for  a 
thousand  years,  and  that  is  as  long  as  the  most  san- 
guine have  calculated  this  war  to  last.  The  Con- 
federate cavalry  are  ubiquitous  and  everlasting.  I  have 
travelled  a  heap  of  late,  and  had  occasion  to  retire  into 
some  very  sequestered  regions,  but  nary  hill  or  holler, 
nary  vale  or  valley,  nary  mountain  gorge  or  inaccessible 
ravine  have  I  found,  but  what  the  cavalry  had  been  there, 
and  just  left.  And  that  is  the  reason  they  can't  be  whipped, 
for  they  have  always  just  left,  and  took  an  odd  horse  or 
two  with  'em.  For  four  years  the  Confederate  Horse-Steal- 
ing Cavalry  have  been  pirooting  around,  preparing  them- 
selves for  the  frightful  struggle  that  is  to  come.  By  dodg- 
ing around  they  have  completed  their  inspection  of  stock, 
and  tried  ah  its  bottom,  and  now  it  is  reasonable  to  sup- 
pose they  are  ready  to  fight.  The  fact  is,  Mr.  Editor,  steal- 
ing from  our  side  is  most  played  out,  and  I  feel  assured  our 
enemies  will  suffer  very  soon.  Such  a  crisis  is,  I  reckon,  a 
blessing  to  the  country,  for  when  we  have  lost  all  of  our 
property,  there  won't  be  nothing  to  reconstruct,  and  we  will 
all  go  to  fighting.  Property  in  such  a  time  is  the  bane  of 
liberty.     Old  Blivins  remarked,  that  if  we  all  had  been 


PHILOSOPHIZES   UPON   THE   WAR,    ETC.  117 

as  poor  as  him  when  the  war  begun,  and  had  held  our  own, 
the  victory  would  have  been  won  long  ago.  "  How  poor 
are  you,  Blivins?  "  said  I.  "  Just  four  years  ago,"  said  he, 
"  I  was  even  with  the  world,  which  is  to  say  I  owed  about 
as  many  as  I  didn't  owe,  and  had  nothing  to  boot,  and 
that  is  the  fix  I  want  the  Confederacy  to  get  in." 

We  are  that  way  in  these  parts,  Mr.  Editor,  sure. 
What  the  Yankees  didn't  get  in  six  months'  continuous 
plunder,  was  brought  out  to  enjoy  when  they  left.  Sudden- 
ly some  friendly  scouts  appeared  upon  the  arena,  and  made 
a  general  grab.  Eveiy  thing  visible  was  appropriated  with- 
out pay  or  ceremony.  Our  indignant  citizens  appealed  for 
protection,  and  his  Excellency  the  Governor  sent  up  a  ma- 
jor as  the  avenger  of  our  wrongs,  and  the  protector  of  our 
lives  and  property.  The  Major  and  his  gallant  boys  ap- 
preciated our  cause,  and  in  order  to  prevent  a  recmTence  of 
such  robberies  by  the  wandering  scouts,  they  stole  all  the 
balance  themselves  and  then  run  away.  Such  is  war,  Mr. 
Editor,  but  nevertheless,  notwithstanding,  I  am  for  it  as 
long  as  possible,  and  longer  if  necessary. 

We  are  now  trying  the  militia— the  Georgia  militia- 
luxuriating  under  theu*  benign  and  peaceable  rule.  Slan- 
dered as  they  have  been  from  the  mountain  to  the  sea,  they 
are  now  the  guardians  of  our  sleeping  liberties.  Like  a 
wall  of  fire  they  environ  the  outposts  of  Cherokee  Georgia, 
and  we  will  stand  by  'em  as  long  as — they  stand  by  us. 
Let  their  slanderers  beware,  and  recollect  the  fate  of  Ike 


118  BILL    AEP. 

Johnson,  tliat  old  veteran  from  tlie  Virginia  army.  Ike 
was  at  home  on  a  busting  furlow,  and  he  rode  up  to  the 
militia  and  pulling  out  his  repeater,  exclaimed,  with  un- 
common gravity,  '"''Lay  down,  meelish,  I  am  going  to  bust 
this  cap.  Mr  Editor,  Ike  Johnson  had  to  leave  those  parts 
prematurely. 

And  now,  sir,  will  you  allow  us  Romans  to  ask  a  favor 
of  your  wide-spreading  paper  ?  We  desire  you  to  inter- 
sperse in  your  columns  some  news  of  the  Georgia  Legisla- 
ture. We  understood  they  were  powerfully  scattered,  and 
somewhat  demoralized.  Have  they  rallied  yet,  and  did 
the  Governor  lose  many  of  the  public  archives  ?  I  saw  a 
member  from  Franklin  the  other  day,  and  he  had  two  pair 
of  cotton  cards  in  his  hand.  I  asked  him  about  the  ar- 
chives, and  he  said  he  understood  the  Governor  got  off  about 
ten  thousand  pair  of  'em,  and  that  all  the  members  got  two 
pair  apiece  besides. 

Do  you  suppose  this  is  so  ? 

Yours  politely, 

BILL  AEP- 


BILL   ARP    ON   THE   CURRENCY, 

Mr.  Editor — 

Sir:     At  this  time   I  am  not  as  much   in  favor  of 

soft  money  as  I  was.     I  don't  want  to  raise  no  rumpus 

nor  hurt   nobody's  feelings,  but  somehow  I   am  induced 

from  peculiar  circumstances  to  express  my  opinion  about 

^the  way  my  finances  have  been  managed  by  other  people. 

Mr.  Trenholm,  I  suppose,  is  a  mighty  smart  man,  and 
knows  how  to  run  the  money  machine,  but  surely  he  don't 
know  how  the  last  currency  bill  aflfects  me  and  my  neio-h- 
bors.  I  don't  know  much  about  banking  nor  financiering, 
nor  the  like  of  that,  but  I  can't  be  honeyfuggled  as  to  how 
my  money  comes  and  how  it  goes.  I  know  how  proud  I 
was  of  the  first  Confederate  bill  that  crossed  the  feel  of  my 
fingers.  How  carefully  I  put  it  low  dowTi  in  my  breeches 
pocket,  and  kept  my  hand  on  it  all  the  way  home  !  I  felt 
proud  because  the  Confederacy  owed  me.  Thinks,  says  I 
to  myself,  this  is  a  big  thing  certain,  and  I  will  invest  my 
bottom  dollar  in  this  kind  of  money,  and  lay  it  away  for 
hard  times. 


120  BILL    AHP. 

Well,  after  wMle,  Mr.  Memininger,  or  Congress,  or  some- 
body, got  up  a  bill,  tlie  substance  of  wbicli  were  about  as 
follows :  "  IMr.  Arp,  Sir  :  I  bought  some  supplies  from 
you  for  ray  army,  and  I  give  you  my  notes.  Now  if  you 
will  consolidate  'em  and  wait  twenty  years  for  the  money, 
I  wiU  pay  you  four  per  cent,  interest.  If  you  won't  do  it,  I 
will  repudiate  one-tbird  of  the  debt,  and  won't  take  any  of 
it  for  what  you  owe  me  for  taxes."  Mr.  Editor,  it  didn't 
take  two  to  make  that  bargain — it  only  took  one.  I  hur- 
ried off  to  the  agency,  and  consolidated.  They  took  my 
money  and  give  me  a  little  sickly  scrap  of  yellow  printing, 
about  the  size  of  a  thum  paper,  and  I  kept  it  and  kept  it, 
until  I  was  obhged  to  have  some  change,  and  I  sold  it  to  a 
white  man  for  fifty  cents  in  the  dollar.  I  took  my  pay  in 
a  parcel  of  hundred-dollar  bills,  drawing  interest  at  two 
cents  a  day,  and  having  a  picture  of  an  engine  pulling  a 
train  of  cars  right  under  a  telegraph  wire,  and  the  steam  a- 
biling  out  all  over  it.  Thinks,  says  I  to  myself,  this  here 
is  a  bio'  thino-  certain  and  sure,  for  it  is  the  rio-ht  size,  and 
it  is  drawing  interest,  and  it  is  good  for  taxes  during  the 
war,  for  it  says  so  on  the  upper  left  hand-corner. 

Now,  Mr.  Trenholm,  N.  B.,  take  notice.  You  come 
into  office,  then  you  or  Congress  or  somebody  fixed  up  a 
bill,  which  says  in  substance :  "  Oh,  see  here,  Mr.  Arp. 
"We  forgot  about  them  interest  notes  when  we  made  you 
fund  your  other  money.  You  must  come  up  in  a  few 
days  and  fund  them  too.    If  you  don't  you  can't  keep  'em. 


ON   THE    CURRENCY.  121 

and  we  won't  pay  you  any  more  intrest  after  the  1st  of 
January,  1865,  and  we  will  tax  'em  five  per  cent,  and  we 
won't  take  'em  for  any  thing  you  owe  us."  Well  I  concluded 
to  hold  'em,  interest  or  no  interest,  tax  or  no  tax,  for  I  have 
got  to  spend  them  very  soon  and  they  are  more  convenient 
than  thum  papers.  I  put  'em  on  the  market,  and  the  very 
best  offer  I  could  get  was  fifty  cents  on  the  dollar,  and  the 
interest  thrown  in.  I  thouorht  that  the  merchants  had 
combined  to  swindle  me,  but  I  got  hold  of  a  paper  contain- 
ing your  last  big  cun-ency  bill,  and  its  language  to  me  is 
in  substance  as  follows:  "Mr.  Arp,  sir,  since  the  l^th  day 
of  February,  1864,  we  have  borrowed  a  heap  of  money, 
and  give  our  notes,  called  the  new  issue.  Now  we  want  to 
make  the  holders  come  up  and  fund  these  notes,  and 
we  are  going  to  mortgage  corn  and  cotton  enough  to  se- 
cure 'em.  As  for  them  interest  bills  of  yours  we  can't  do 
any  thing  for  'em — the  fact  is,  we  have  left  them  out  in  the 
cold.  It  will  take  all  the  cotton  and  corn  to  secure  the 
new  issue.  Oh,  see  here,  Mr.  Arp,  you  will  have  to  bring 
over  your  cotton  and  grain  to  help  us  out,  for  we  are- 
bound  to  have  it.     Good,  morning,  sir." 

That  is  it  exactly,  Mr.  Trenholm.  That  is  the  way  it 
works  me  and  my  neighbors.  We  can't  help  ourselves, 
but  is  a  hurting  us,  way  down  in  our  bosoms.  I  had  six 
hundred  dollars  of  the  old  issue,  and  I  promised  Mrs.  Av]) 
some  of  it  to  buy  her  a  cow.  The  funding  business  re- 
duced it  to  three  hundred  dollars  in  them  interest  notes. 
6 


122  BILL   AEP. 

Your  currency  bill  has  put  them  down  ,to  one  hundred  and 
fifty,  and  it  won't  buy  the  hide  and  tallow  of  flatwoods 
heifer.  I  never  hear  my  offspring  crying  for  milk,  but  what 
I  think  of  you  affectionately,  and  exclaim — "  Hard,  hard 
indeed  is  the  contest  for  freedom  and  the  struggle  for  lib- 
erty," and  I  have  also  thought  at  such  times,  that  if  a 
man,  a  living  man  had  treated  me  that  way,  if  I  couldn't 
whip  him  I  would  sue  him  in  the  big  courts  and  the  lit- 
tie  courts  and  all  other  courts.  I  would  cover  him  all  over 
with  warrants  and  summons,  and  subpoenas  and  interroga- 
tories. He  could  get  into  jail  for  swindling  just  as  easy 
as  the  captain  of  the  forty  thieves  got  into  the  robbers' 
cave. 

Then,  again,  I  get  over  it,  and  conclude  that  it  couldn't 
be  helped ;  but  my  deliberate  opinion  is,  that  it  is  just  as 
easy  for  a  Government  to  be  honest  as  it  is  for  a  man,  and 
is  a  heap  more  important.  If  Mr.  Trenholm  thinks  so,  he 
will  buy  Mrs.  Arp  a  cow,  and  show  his  faith  by  his  works. 
In  the  language  of  Mr.  Milton,  I  don't  want  nothing  but 
what  is  right. 

Yours  truly, 

BILL  ARF. 


>-) 

H 
Z 

OS 

S 

» 

K 


BILL  ARP  RETURNS  TO  THE  ETER- 
NAL CITY  AND  MEETS  HIS  FRIEND 
BIG  JOHN, 

Mr.  Editor —  > 

Sir  :  I  have  not  up  to  this  time  made  any  remarks  in 
public  about  the  trials  and  tribulations,  the  losses  and 
crosses,  the  buzzards  and  dead  horses  seen  on  our  journey 
to  the  eternal  city.  I  shall  not  allude  to  it  now,  only  to 
remark  that  our  coming  back  was  not  so  hasty  as  our  leav- 
ing. It  was  in  the  dead  of  winter,  through  snow  and 
throuorh  sleet,  over  creeks  without  bridges  and  bridges  with- 
out  floors,  through  a  deserted  and  desolate  land  where  no 
rooster  was  left  to  crow,  no  pig  to  squeal,  no  dog  to  bark, 
where  the  ruins  of  happy  homes  adorned  the  way,  and 
ghostly  chimneys  stood  up  hke  Sherman's  sentinels  a-guard- 
ing  the  ruins  he  had  made.  A  little  one-horse  concern 
containing  the  highth  of  my  worldly  possessions,  consisting 
of  my  numerous  and  lovely  wife  and  children,  and  a  shuck 
basket  full  of  some  second-class  vittels.  Countino-  our  off- 
spring,  there  was  about  ten  of  us  in  and  about  and  around 


124:  BILL   AEP. 

that  wagon,  tlius  illustrating  wliat  the  poet  has  said, 
"  One  glorious  hour  of  crowded  life  is  worth  an  age  with- 
out a  name,"  though  the  glory  was  hard  to  pursue  on  such 
occasions.  Mrs.  Arp  is  of  the  opinion  that  her  posterity 
was  never  as  hungry  before  in  their  hfe  as  on  that  distress- 
ing journey,  and  she  once  remarked  that  there  wasn't 
naiy  rod  of  the  road  that  didn't  hear  some  of  'em  a-holler- 
in  for  vittels.  My  wife's  husband  is  troubled  because  they 
ain't  broke  of  it  yet,  and  it  does  seem  that  the  poorer  I  git 
the  more  devouring  they  bekum,  all  which  will  end  in 
sumthing  or  other  if  sumthing  don't  happen. 

We  finally  arrived  within  the  precincts  of  our  lovely 
home.  The  doors  creaked  welcome  on  their  hinges,  the 
hoppin-bug  chirruped  on  the  hearth,  and  the  whistling 
wind  was  singing  the  same  old  tune  around  the  bedroom 
corner.  We  were  about  as  happy  as  we  had  been  miser- 
able, and  when  I  remarked  that  General  Yandiver,  who 
occupied  our  house,  must  be  a  gentleman  for  not  burning 
it,  Mrs.  Arp  replied — 

"  I  wonder  what  he  done  with  my  sewing  machine." 

"  He  didn't  cut  down  our  shade-trees,"  said  I. 

"  My  bureaus  and  carpets  and  crockery  are  all  gone," 
said  she. 

"  It  may  be  possible,"  said  I,  "  that  the  General " 

"  And  my  barrel  of  soap,"  said  she. 

"  It  may  be  possible,"  said  I,  "  that  the  General  moved 


RETURNS  TO  THE  ETERNAL  CITY,  ETC.     125 

off  our  things  to  take  care  of  'era  for  us.     I  reckon  we'll  get 
'em  all  back  after  while." 

"  After  while"  said  Mrs.  Arp  like  an  echo,  and  ever 
since  then  when  I  allude  to  our  Northern  brethren,  she  only- 
replies,  "  After  while.'''' 

By  and  by  the  scattered  wanderers  begun  to  drop  in 
under  the  welcome  shades  of  our  sorrowful  citv.  It  was  a 
delightful  enjoyment  to  greet  'em  home,  and  listen  to  the 
history  of  their  sufferings  and  misfortunes.  Misery  loves 
company,  and  after  the  misery  is  past  there's  a  power  of 
comfort  in  talking  it  over  and  fixing  up  as  big  a  tale  as  any- 
body. I  was  standing  one  day  upon  the  banks  of  the 
Injun  river,  a-wonderin  in  my  mind  who  would  come  next 
to  gladden  our  hearts,  when  I  saw  the  shadow  of  an  object 
a-darkening  the  sunlit  bank.  It  was  not  a  load  of  hay  or 
an  elephant,  but  shore  enough  it  was  my  friend  Big  John, 
a-movin  slowly,  but  surely,  to  the  dug-out  landing  on  the 
opposite  side.  His  big  round  face  assumed  more  latitude 
when  he  saw  me,  and  without  waitin  for  remarks  he  sung 
out  in  a  voice  some  two  staves  deeper  than  the  Southern 
harmony — 

"  There  came  to  the  beech  a  poor  exile  of  Erin! " 

"  Call  him  fat;'  said  I,  "  and  you'll  fill  the  bill." 
Prouder  to  see  him  than  a  monkey  show,  I  paddled  the 
dug-out  over  in  double  quick  and  bid  him  welcum  in  the 
name  of  the  eternal  city  and  its  humble  inhabitants.     I 


126  BILL   AEP. 

soon  got  liim  afloat  in  tlie  little  canoe,  and  before  I  was 
aware  of  it  tlae  water  was  sloshin  over  tlie  gnnnels  at 
every  wabble.  "  Lay  down,  my  Mend,"  said  I,  and  be  laid, 
wbicb  was  all  that  saved  ns  from  a  watery  grave,  and  the 
neigbborin  farms  from  inundation.  When  safely  landed  I 
found  bim  wedged  in  so  tigbt  tbat  be  couldn't  rise,  so  I 
rebeved  bim  by  a  prize  witb  tbe  end  of  tbe  paddle.  As 
bis  foot  toucbed  tbe  sacred  soil  he  gently  separated  bis 
countenance,  and  sung  witb  feeling  melody : 

"  Home  again — ^home  again — from  a  furrin  shore, 
The  Yanks  may  com  and  the  devil  too,  but  I'll  not  run  any  more." 

Eecollectin  some  scraps  of  blank  verse  myself,  I  said 
witb  mucb  accent,  "Tell  me  tbou  swift  of  foot — tbou 
modern  Asabel — ob  tell  me  wbere  is  tby  cbariot  and  steer  ? 
Wbere  didst  tbou  go  wben  I  did  see  tbee  driving  like 
Jebu  as  we  did  flee  for  life  ?  " 

"  I'll  tell  you  all,"  sed  be,  "I  want  my  friends  to  know 
it.  I'm  now  a  man  of  war,  Bill,  and  I'm  glad  of  it.  I've 
done  tbe  State  some  servdce,  and  sbe  knows  it.  I've  ban- 
died guns — yes,  guns — weapins  of  deatb.  I've  slept  on 
my  arms  since  I  seen  you — nigbt  after  nigbt  bave  I  slept 
on  my  arms,  witb  bundreds  of  deadly  weapins  all  around 
me.  Ab,  Bill,  patriotism  is  a  big  tbing.  Wben  you  once 
break  tbe  ice,  great  sluices  of  glory  as  big  as  your  arm 
will  jest  spring  up  like  musbrooms  in  your  bosom ;  and 
make  you  feel  like  throwing  yourself  clean  away  for  your 


KETUENS  TO  THE  ETERNAL  CITY,  KTC.     127 

country.     Let  me  sit  down  and  I'll  tell  you  all  I  know, 
Bill ;  but  as  the  feller  said  in  the  theater,  "  when  you  in 
your  letters  these  unlucky  deeds  relate,  speak  of  me  as  I 
am — nothing  expatiate  nor  set  down  hot  in  malice." 
"  Jest  so,"  said  I.     "  Proceed,  my  hero." 
"  Well,  you  see  the  night  after  you  passed  me,  my  steer 
got  away.     Hang  the  decievin  beast !     I  hunted  smartly 
for  him  the  next  mornin,  but  I  hunted  more  forrerds  than 
backwards.      Leavm  my  wagin  with  a  widder  woman,  I 
took  it  afoot  across  the  country  by  a  settlement  road  they 
called  the  '  cut-off.'     Devil  of  a  cut-off  it  was  to  me.     I 
broke  down  in  sight  of  a  httle  log  cabin,  and  never  moved 
a  foot  further  that  day.     The  old  man  had  a  chunk  of  a 
nag  that  worked  in  a  slide.     I  perswaded  him  to  haul  mc 
to  the  end  of  the  cut-off,  and  I  know  he  done  it  for  fear' 
I'd  eat  up  his  smoke-house.     Every  now  and  then  he'd 
look  at  the  old  'oman,  and  she'd  look  at  the  smoke-house, 
and  then  look  at  me.     But  that  slidin  business  were  the 
most  orfullest  travellin  that  I  ever  hav  had.     Every  time 
the  pony'd  look  back  he'd  stop,  and  when  he'd  start  agin 
he  giv  such  a  jerk  that  my  contents  were  in  danger.     My 
holt  broke  on  one  okkashun,  a-goin  down  a  hill  full  of  gul- 
hes.     I  rolled  some  twenty  feet  into  the  edge  of  the  woods, 
and  cotch  up  agin  an  old  pine  stump  that  was  full  of  yaller 
jakets.     Three  of  the  dingd  things  stung  me  before  I  could 
rise,  but  I  got  through  the  cut-off  and  fell  in  with  some 
empty  wagons  that  was  starapedin  my  way. 


128  BILL    AEP. 

"Gittin  on  to  Atlanta,  a  fool  Irishman  stopd  me  right 
at  the  edge  of  the  town  and  demanded  my  papers.  I 
didn't  have  no  papers.  Nobody  had  ever  axd  me  for  par 
pers,  hut  he  wouldn't  hear  an  argument.  As  Quarles  would 
say,  he  wouldn't  jine  issue,  but  marched  me  to  an  office, 
and  I  didn't  stay  there  ten  minets.  I  was  sent  off  to  De- 
catur with  some  fifty  conscripts,  who  wer  all  in  mournin, 
exceptin  their  clothes.  I  never  seed  sich  a  pitiful  set  in 
my  life.  I  talked  with  'em  all,  and  thar  was  nary  one  but 
what  had  the  dyspepsy  or  the  swinny,  or  the  rumatics,  or 
the  blind  staggers,  or  the  heaves,  or  the  humps,  or  sum- 
thin.  Well,  there  want  none  of  us  discharged,  for  there 
was  bran  new  orders  callin  for  everybody  for  thirty  days 
to  go  to  the  ditches.  As  I  couldn't  walk  that  fur,  I  was 
ordered  to  Andersonville  to  guard  the  prisoners.  At  Ma- 
con I  met  an  old  acwaintance,  who  was  a  powerful  big  of- 
ficer, and  he  had  me  transferred  to  his  department,  and 
put  me  in  charge  of  his  ordnance.  There's  where  I  han- 
dled guns.  Bill,  and  slept  on  my  arms.  Whole  boxes  of 
muskets  was  around  me,  and  I  didn't  no  more  mind  taking 
a  snooze  on  a  gun  box  than  if  it  had  been  a  couch  of  feth- 
ery  down.     It's  all  in  gittin  use  to  it.  Bill — all  in  the  use." 

"  Jest  so,"  said  I,  "  that's  the  way  I  see  it — exakly  so, 
my  friend,  proceed." 

"  It's  blamed  lucky,  Bill,  that  I  didn't  go  to  Ander- 
sonville. They  would  have  had  me  alongside  of  Wirtz, 
either  as  principal  or  witness,  or  sumthin,  and  some  lyin 


BIG   JOHN   SLEEPS   ON    HIS   ARMS. 


p.  128. 


RETURNS   TO   THE   ETERNAL    CITY,    ETC.  129 

Yank  would  liav  had  a  swear  or  two  at  me  about  sliootin 
Lira  on  the  dead  line.  Before  this  my  carcass  would  hav 
been  eat  up  by  worms  or  cut  up  by  doctors,  and  my  pic- 
ter  spread  all  over  a  whole  side  of  '  Harper's  Weekly, '  as 
a  monster  of  deth. 

"Well,  I  kept  handlin  guns  and  bayonets  and  danger- 
ous weapo^ns,  until  one  day  I  got  a  furlo  to  go  to  Eorae. 
Shennan  was  playin  base  around  about  Atlanta,  and  so  I 
had  to  circumference  around  by  the  way  of  Selma,  and  the 
very  day  I  got  there,  everlastin  blast  'em,  the  Wilson  raid- 
ers got  there  too.  I  wasn't  no  more  lookin  for  them  Yan- 
kees in  Selma  than  I  wer  for  old  Belzebub,  and  both  of  'em 
was  all  the  same  to  me.  Blamd  if  they  wasn't  shootin  at 
me  before  I  knowd  they  was  in  the  State.  How  in  the 
dickens  they  missed  me  I  don't  know,  for  their  minny  balls 
sung  Yankee  doodle  all  around  me,  and  over  me,  and  un- 
der me,  and  betwixt  me. 

"  I  tell  you.  Bill,  I  run  like  a  mud  turkel,  lookin  ahead 

of  me  at  every  step  to  find  an  easy  place  to  fall  when  I 

was  plugged.     An  old  woman  overtook  me,  and  I  axd  her 

to  take  my  watch  and  my  money.     She  took  'em  in  a 

hurry  and  put  'em  in  her  bosom.     Well,  I  found  a  gully  at 

last,  and  I  rolld  in  kersplosh,  for  it  was  about  two  feet  in 

mud  and  water.     The  infernals  found  me  there  jest  at  night, 

and  got  me  out  at  the  pint  of  the  bayonet.     They  marched 

me  to  the  wolf  pen  and  there  I  stayd  till  the  ftiss  was  over. 

"  Right   here.  Bill,  I  want  to   make  an   observation. 
6* 


130  BILL   ARP. 

There  was  a  feller  witli  me  when  I  was  cotch'd,  and  I  seen 
him  make  a  sorter  of  a  sign  to  the  captain,  and  they 
turned  him  loose  in  two  minets,  and  he  jest  went  any- 
where as  nateral  as  a  king,  while  I  had  a  crossey'd  Dutch- 
man standin  over  me  with  a  bayonet  giinnin  from  mornin 
till  night.  There  was  some  Free  Masomy  about  that,  Bill, 
and  if  another  one  of  these  fool  wars  come  along,  I'll  jine 
'em  if  they'l  let  me. 

"  But  I  am  at  home  now  for  good — I'm  gwine  to  stay 
here  hke  a  sine  die.  I'm  ag;in  all  wars  and  fio-htins.  I'm 
opposed  to  all  rows,  and  rumpusses,  and  riots.  I  don't 
keer  nis^h  as  much  about  a  doo;-fio;ht  as  I  used  to.  Now, 
if  one  could  always  see  the  end  of  a  thing  in  advance,  and 
the  end  was  all  right,  I  wouldn't  mind  a  big  fuss,  but  then 
you  know  a  man's  foresight  ain't  as  good  as  his  hind  sights. 
K  they  was,  this  war  wouldn't  have  broke  out,  and  I 
wouldn't  have  lost  my  steer  and  my  watch.  I  never  seen 
that  woman  before  nor  since,  and  I  wouldn't  know  her 
from  any  other  woman  that  walks  the  earth — blam'd  if  I'm 
certain  whether  she  was  white  or  black.  Bill,  now  is  your 
offspring  ? " 

"  Hungry  as  usual,  I  thank  you  my  friend,"  I  said. 

"How's  Mrs.  Arp?" 

"  Rebellious,  John,  very ;  but  I  think  she'll  be  har- 
monized— after  while — after  whiUy 

Mr.  Editor,  I  will  not  relate  further  of  these  trying  ad- 


EETUENS   TO   THE    ETEENAL    CITY,    ETC.  131 

ventures  at  this  time.     Big  Jolin  is  now  entirely  harmo- 
nious, and  I  suppose  his  future  career  will  be  all  sereen. 

Yours  as  ever, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — Mrs.  Arp  wants  you  to  get  back  the  letters  I 
writ  her  when  she  was  "  sweet  sixteen."  Them  officers 
have  got  'em,  and  I  suppose  have  laughed  all  the  funny 
part  away  by  this  time.  They  contained  some  fool  things 
that  boys  will  wi-ite  when  they  fall  in  love,  and  my  wife 
sometimes  used  'em  upon  me  as  reminders  of  broken 
promises. 

She  says  if  they'l  send  'em,  she'l  try  and  forgive  'em — 
after  while. 

Don't  trouble  yourself  much,  Mr.  Editor,  and  it  will 

be  all  the  same  to  me. 

B.  A. 


BILL   ARP    ADDEESSES   AETEMUS 

WAED, 

Rome,  Ga.,  September  1,  1865. 
Mr.  Artemus  Ward,  Showman — 

Sir  :  The  reason  I  write  to  you  in  perticler,  is  be  cans 
yoii  are  about  tbe  only  man  I  know  in  all  "  God's  coun- 
try "  so-called.  For  some  several  weeks  I  hav  been  wantin 
to  say  sumtliin.  For  some  several  years  we  rebs,  so-called^ 
but  now  late  of  said  county  deceased,  have  been  tryin 
mighty  hard  to  do  somethin.  We  didn't  quite  do  it,  and 
now  it's  very  painful,  I  assure  you,  to  dry  up  all  of  a  sud- 
den, and  make  out  like  we  wasn't  there. 

My  friend,  I  want  to  say  somethin.  I  suppose  there  is 
no  law  agin  thinkin,  but  thinkin  don't  help  me.  It  don't 
let  down  my  thermometer.  I  must  explode  myself  gener- 
ally so  as  to  feel  better.  You  see  I'm  tryin  to  harmonize. 
I'm  tryin  to  soften  down  my  feelin's.  I'm  endeavoring  to 
subjugate  myself  to  the  level  of  surroundin  circumstances, 
so-called.     But  I  can't  do  it  until  I  am  allowed  to  say 


ADDRESSES   ARTEMUS   WARD.  133 

sometliin.  I  want  to  quarrel  with  sombody  and  then 
make  friends.  I  ain't  no  giant-killer.  I  ain't  no  Norwe- 
gian bar.  I  ain't  no  boar-constrikter,  but  I'll  be  horn- 
swao-o-led  if  the  talkin  and  the  writin  and  the  slanderin  has 
got  to  be  all  done  on  one  side  any  longer.  Sum  of  your 
folks  have  got  to  dry  up  or  turn  our  folks  loose.  It's  a 
blamed  outrage,  so-called.  Ain't  your  editors  got  nothin 
else  to  do  but  to  peck  at  us,  and  squib  at  us,  and  crow  over 
us?  Is  every  man  what  kan  write  a  paragraph  to  consider 
us  as  bars  in  a  cage,  and  be  always  a-jabbin  at  us  to  hear 
us  growl  ?  Now  you  see,  my  friend,  that' s  what's  dishar- 
monious, and  do  you  jest  tell  'em,  one  and  all,  e  pluribus 
unura,  so-called,  that  if  they  don't  stop  it  at  once  or  turn 
us  loose  to  say  what  we  please,  why  we  rebs,  so-called,  have 
unanimously  and  jointly  and  severally  resolved  to — to — to 
— think  very  hard  of  it — if  not  harder. 

That's  the  way  to  talk  it.  I  ain't  agoin  to  commit  my- 
self. I  know  when  to  put  on  the  brakes.  I  ain't  agoin 
to  say  all  I  think,  like  Mr.  Etheridge,  or  Mr.  Adderrig,  so- 
called.  Nary  time.  No,  sir.  But  I'll  jest  tell  you,  Arte- 
mus,  and  you  may  teU  it  to  your  show  :  If  we  ain't  al- 
lowd  to  express  our  sentiments,  we  can  take  it  out  in  hatin  ; 
and  hatin  mns  heavy  in  my  family,  shure.  I  hated  a  man 
so  bad  once  that  all  the  hair  cum  off  my  head,  and  the 
man  drownd  himself  in  a  hog-waller  that  night.  I  could 
do  it  agin,  but  you  see  I'm  ivym  to  harmonize,  to  ac- 
quiesce, to  becum  calm  and  screen. 


134  BILL   ARP. 

Now  I  suppose  that,  poetically  speakin, 

"  In  Dixie's  fall, 
We  sinned  all." 

But  talkin  the  way  I  see  it,  a  big  feller  and  a  little 
feller,  so-called^  got  into  a  fite,  and  they  font  and  font  and 
font  a  long  time,  and  everybody  all  round  kep  hoUerin 
hands  off,  but  kep  helpin  the  big  feller,  until  finally  the 
Httle  feller  caved  in  and  hollered  enuf.  He  made  a  buUy 
fite  I  tell  you,  Selah.  Well,  what  did  the  big  feller  do  ? 
Take  him  by  the  hand  and  help  him  up,  and  brash  the  dirt 
off  his  clothes  ?  Nary  time  !  No,  sur  !  But  he  kicked 
him  arter  he  was  down,  and  throwd  mud  on  him,  and  drug 
him  about  and  rubbed  sand  in  his  eyes,  and  now  he's 
gwine  about  hunting  up  his  poor  little  property.  "Wants 
to  confiscate  it,  so-called.  Blame  my  jacket  if  it  ain't  enuf 
to  make  your  head  swim. 

But  Fm  a  good  Union  man,  so-called.  I  ain't  agwine 
to  fight  no  more.  /  shan't  vote  for  the  next  war.  /  ain't 
no  gurilla.  I've  done  tuk  the  oath,  and  I'm  gwine  to  keep 
it,  but  as  for  my  being  subjugated,  and  humilyated,  and 
amalgamated,  and  enervated,  as  Mr.  Chase  says,  it  ain't  so 
— nary  time.  I  ain't  ashamed  of  nuthin  neither — ain't  xe- 
pentin — ain't  axin  for  no  one-horse,  short-winded  pardon. 
Nobody  needn't  be  playin  priest  around  me.  I  ain't  got 
no  twenty  thousand  dollars.  Wish  I  had  ;  I'd  give  it  to 
these  poor  widders  and  orfins.     I'd  fatten  my  own  numer- 


ADDRESSES    AETEMUS   WAED.  135 

ous  and  interestin  offspring  in  about  two  minits  and  a  half. 
They  shouldn't  eat  roots  and  drink  branch-water  no  longer. 
Poor,  unfortunate  things  !  to  cum  into  this  subloonary 
world  at  sich  a  time.  There's  four  or  five  of  'em  that 
never  saw  a  sirkis  nor  a  monky-show — never  had  a  pocket- 
knife,  nor  a  piece  of  cheese,  nor  a  reesin.  There's  Bull 
Run  Arp,  and  Harper's  Feny  Arp,  and  Chikahominy  Arp, 
that  never  saw  the  pikters  in  a  spellin  book.  I  tell  you, 
my  friend,  we  are  the  poorest  people  on  the  face  of  the 
earth — but  we  are  poor  and  proud.  We  made  a  bully  fite, 
Selah,  and  the  whole  American  nation  ought  to  feel  proud 
of  it.  It  shows  what  Americans  can  do  when  they  think 
they  are  imposed  on — "  so-called.''''  Didn't  our  four  fathers 
fight,  bleed,  and  die  about  a  little  tax  on  tea,  when  not  one 
in  a  thousand  drunk  it  ?  Bekaus  they  succeeded,  wasn't  it 
glory  ?  But  if  they  hadn't,  I  suppose  it  would  have  been 
treason,  and  they  would  have  been  bowin  and  scrapin 
round  King  George  for  pardon.  So  it  goes,  Artemus,  and 
to  my  mind,  if  the  whole  thing  was  stewed  down  it  would 
make  about  a  half  pint  of  humbug.  We  had  good  men, 
great  men.  Christian  men,  who  thought  we  was  right,  and 
many  of  'em  have  gone  to  the  undiscovered  country,  and 
have  got  a  pardon  as  is  a  pardon.  When  I  die  I  am 
mighty  willing  to  risk  myself  under  the  shadow  of  their 
wings,  whether  the  climate  be  hot  or  cold.  So  mote  it  be. 
Selah ! 

Well,  maybe  I've  said  enough.     But  I  don't  feel  easy 


136  BILL   AEP. 

yet.  I'm  a  good  Union  man,  certain  and  sure.  I've  had 
my  breeches  died  blue,  and  I've  bot  a  hlue  bucket,  and  I 
very  often  feel  hlue,  and  about  twice  in  a  while  I  go  to  the 
doggery  and  git  hlue,  and  then  I  look  up  at  the  hlue  seru- 
lean  heavens  and  sing  the  melancholy  chorus  of  the  Blue- 
tailed  Fly.  I'm  doin  my  durndest  to  harmonize,  and  think 
I  could  sucseed  if  it  wasn't  for  sum  things.  When  I  see  a 
black-guard  goin  around  the  streets  with  a  gun  on  his 
shoulder,  why  right  then,  for  a  few  minutes,  I  hate  the 
whole  Yanky  nation.  Jerusalem !  how  my  blood  biles ! 
The  institution  what  was  handed  down  to  us  by  the  heav- 
enly kingdom  of  Massachusetts,  now  put  over  us  with 
powder  and  ball !  Harmonize  the  devil !  Ain't  we  human 
beings  ?  Ain't  we  got  eyes  and  ears  and  feeliu  and  thiukin  ? 
"XMay,  the  whole  of  Africa  has  come  to  town,  women  and 
children  and  babies  and  baboons  and  all.  A  man  can  tell 
how  fur  it  is  to  the  city  by  the  smell  better  than  the  mile- 
post.  They  won't  work  for  us,  and  they  won't  work  for 
themselves,  and  they'll  perish  to  death  this  winter  as  shurc 
as  the  de\il  is  a  hoo;,  so-called.  Thev  are  now  baskins:  in 
the  summer's  sun,  livin  on  roasting  ears  and  freedom,  with 
nary  idee  that  the  winter  will  come  agin,  or  that  castor-oil 
and  salts  costs  money.  Sum  of  'em,  a  hundred  years  old, 
are  whining  around  about  goin  to  kawlidge.  The  truth  is, 
my  friend,  sombody's  badly  fooled  about  this  bizness. 
Sorabody  has  drawd  the  elefant  in  tlie  lottery,  and  don't 
know  what  to  do  with  him.     He's  jest  throwing  his  snout 


ADDRESSES   AKTEMUS    WARD.  187 

loose,  and  by  and  by  lie'll  hurt  sumbody.  These  niggers 
will  have  to  go  back  to  the  plantations  and  work.  I  ain't 
agoing  to  support  nary  one  of  'em,  and  when  you  hear  any- 
body say  so,  you  tell  'era  "  it's  a  lie,"  so-called.  I  golly,  I 
ain't  got  nuthin  to  support  myself  on.  "We  fought  our- 
selves out  of  every  thing  excepting  children  and  land,  and 
I  suppose  the  land  are  to  be  turned  over  to  the  niggers  for 
graveyards. 

Well,  my  friend,  I  don't  want  much.  I  ain't  ambitious, 
as  I  used  to  was.  You  all  have  got  your  shows  and  mon- 
keys and  sircusses  and  brass  band  and  orgins,  and  can  play 
on  the  petrolyum  and  the  harp  of  a  thousand  strings,  and 
so  on,  but  I've  only  got  one  favor  to  ax  of  you.  I  want 
enough  powder  to  kill  a  big  yaller  stump-tail  dog  that 
prowls  round  my  premises  at  night.  Pon  honor,  I  won't 
shoot  at  any  thing  blue  or  black  or  mullater.  Will  you 
send  it  ?  Are  you  and  your  folks  so  skeered  of  me  and  my 
folks  that  you  won't  let  us  have  any  amunition  ?  Are  the 
squirrels  and  crows  and  black  racoons  to  eat  up  our  poor 
little  corn-patches?  Are  the  wild  turkeys  to  gobble  all 
around  us  with  impunity  ?  If  a  mad  dog  takes  the  hider- 
phoby,  is  the  w^hole  community  to  run  itself  to  death  to 
get  out  of  the  way  ?  I  golly  !  It  looks  like  your  people 
had  all  took  the  rebelfoby  for  good,  and  was  never  gwine 
to  get  over  it.  See  here,  ray  friend,  you  must  send  me  a 
little  powder  and  a  ticket  to  your  show,  and  me  and  you 
will  harmonize  sertin. 


138  BILL    AEP. 

With  these  few  remarks  I  think  I  feel  better,  and  hope 
I  hain't  made  nobody  fitin  mad,  for  I'm  not  on  that  line  at 
this  time. 

I  am  truly  your  fi'iend,  all  present  or  accounted  for, 

BILL  AEP,  so-called. 

p,  s. — Old  man  Harris  wanted  to  buy  my  fiddle  the 
other  day  with  Confedcrit  money.  He  sed  it  would  be 
good  agin.  He  says  that  Jim  Funderbuk  told  him  that 
Warren's  Jack  seen  a  man  who  had  jest  come  from  Vir- 
ginny,  and  he  said  a  man  had  told  his  cousin  Mandy  that 
Lee  had  whipped  'em  agin.  Old  Harris  says  that  a  feUer 
by  the  name  of  Mack  C.  Million  is  coming  over  with  a 
milhon  of  men.  But  nevertheless,  notwithstandin,  some- 
how or  somehow  else,  I'm  dubus  about  the  money.  If  you 
was  me,  Aitemus,  would  you  make  the  fiddle  trade  ? 

B.  A. 


BILL  AEF  ON  TEE  STATE  OF  TEE 

CO  UNTR  Y, 

"Sweet  land  of  Liberty,  of  tiee  I  sing." 

Not  mucli  /  don't,  not  at  this  time.  If  there's  any 
thing  sweet  about  liberty  in  this  part  of  the  vineyard,  I 
can't  see  it.  The  land's  good  enough,  and  I  wouldn't 
mind  hearin  a  hyme  or  two  about  the  dirt  I  live  on,  but 
as  for  findin  sugar  and  liberty  in  Georgy  soil,  it's  all  a  mis- 
take. Howsumever,  I'm  hopeful.  I'm  much  calmer  and 
sereener  than  I  was  a  few  months  ago.  I  begin  to  feel 
kindly  towards  all  people,  except  some.  I'm  now  endeav- 
erin  to  be  a  great  national  man.  I've  taken  up  a  motto 
of  no  North,  no  South,  no  East,  no  West ;  but  let  me  tell 
you,  my  friend,  I'll  bet  on  Dixie  as  long  as  I've  got  a  dol- 
lar. It's  no  harm  to  run  both  schedules.  In  fact  it's 
highly  harmonious  to  do  so.  I'm  a  good  Union  reb,  and 
my  battle  cry  is  Dixie  and  the  Union. 

But  you  see,  my  friend,  we  are  gettin  restless  about 
some  things.     The  war  had  become  mighty  heavy  on  us, 


140  BILL    ARP. 

and  after  tlie  big  collapse,  we  tliought  it  was  over  for  good. 
We  had  killed  folks  and  killed  folks  nntil  tke  novelty  of 
tlie  tking  had  wore  off,  and  we  were  miglity  nigh  played 
out  all  over.  Children  were  increasin  and  vittels  dimin- 
ishin.  By  a  close  calculashun  it  was  perceived  that  we 
didn't  kill  our  enemies  as  fast  as  they  was  imported,  and 
about  those  times  I  thought  it  was  a  pity  that  some  mira- 
cle of  grace  hadn't  cut  off  the  breed  of  foreigners  some 
eighteen  or  twenty  years  ago.  Then  you  would  have  seen 
a  fair  fio-ht.  General  Sherman  wouldn't  have  walked  over 
the  track,  and  Ulyses  would  have  killed  more  men  than  he 
did — of  his  own  side.  I  have  always  thought  that  a  gen- 
eral ought  to  be  particular  which  side  he  was  sacrifisin. 

Well,  if  the  war  is  over,  what's  the  use  of  fillin  up  our 
towns  and  cities  with  soldiers  any  longer  ?  Where's  your 
reconstruction  that  the  papers  say  is  goin  on  so  rapidly  ? 
Where's  the  liberty  and  freedom  ?  The  fact  is,  General 
Sherman  and  his  caterpillars  made  such  a  clean  sweep  of 
every  thing,  I  don't  see  much  to  reconstruct.  They  took 
so  many  liberties  around  here  that  there's  nary  liberty  left. 
I  could  have  reconstructed  a  thousand  sich  States  before 
this.  Any  body  could.  There  wasn't  nothin  to  do  but 
jest  to  go  off  and  let  us  alone.  We've  got  plenty  of 
statesmen — plenty  of  men  for  governor.  Joe  Brown  ain't 
dead — ^lie's  a  waitin — standin  at  the  door  with  his  hat  off. 
Then  what's  the  soldiers  here  for — what  good  are  they 
doin — who  wants  to   see  'em  any  longer  ?     Everybody  is 


ON  THE  STATE  OF  THE  COUNTEY.       141 

tired  of  the  war,  and  we  don't  want  to  see  any  more  signs 
of  it.  The  nio-orers  don't  want  'em,  and  tlie  white  men 
don't  want  'em,  and  as  for  the  women — whoopee !  I  gol- 
ly !  Well,  there's  no  use  talking — when  the  stars  fall  agin 
maybe  the  women  will  be  harmonized.  That  male  bisness 
— ^that  oath  about  gittin  letters !  They  always  was  jealous 
about  the  males  anyhow,  and  that  order  jest  broke  the 
camel's  back.  Well,  I  must  confess  that  it  was  a  powerful 
small  concern.  I  would  try  to  sorter  smooth  it  over  if  I 
know'd  what  to  say,  but  I  don't.  If  they  was  afeered  of 
the  women  why  didn't  they  say  so  ?  If  they  wasn't  what 
do  they  make  'em  swear  for  ?  Jest  to  aggravate  'em  ? 
Didn't  they  know  that  the  best  way  to  harmonize  a  man, 
was  to  harmonize  his  wife  first?  What  harm  can  the  wo- 
men do  by  receiving  their  letters  oath  free?  They  can't 
vote,  nor  they  can't  preach,  nor  hold  office,  nor  play  sol- 
dier, nor  muster,  nor  wear  breeches,  nor  ride  straddle,  nor 
cuss,  nor  chaw  tobacco,  nor  do  nothing  hardly  but  talk 
and  rite  letters.  I  hearn  that  a  valiant  colonel  made  a  wo- 
man put  up  her  fan  because  it  had  a  picture  of  Beauregard 
'pon  it.  Well,  she's  harmonized,  I  reckon.  Now  the 
trouble  of  all  sich  is  that  after  these  bayonets  leave  here 
and  go  home,  these  petticoat  tyrants  can't  come  back  any 
more.  Some  Georgia  fool  will  mash  the  juice  out  of  'era, 
certain,  and  that  wouldn't  be  neither  harmonious  nor 
healthy.     Better  let  the  women-alone. 

Then   there   is   another   thing   I'm  waitin  for.     Why 


142  BILL   AEP. 

don't  tliey  reconstmct  the  niggers  if  tliey  are  ever  going 
to  ?  They've  give  'em  a  powerful  site  of  freedom,  and 
devilish  little  else.  Here's  the  big  freedmen's  bm*o,  and 
the  little  buros  all  over  the  country,  and  the  papers  are  fiill 
of  grand  orders  and  special  orders,  and  paragrafs,  but  I'll 
bet  a  possum  that  some  of  'em  steals  my  wood  this  winter 
or  freezes  to  death.  Freedman's  buro?  freedman's  hum- 
bug I  say.  Jest  when  the  corn  needed  plowin  the  worst, 
the  buro  rmig  the  bell  and  tolled  all  the  niggers  to  town, 
and  the  farmers  lost  the  crops,  and  now  the  freedman  is 
gettin  cold  and  hungiy,  and  wants  to  go  back,  and  there 
ain't  nuthiu  for  'em  to  go  to.  But  freedom  is  a  big  thing. 
Hun-aw  for  freedom's  buro!  Sweet  land  of  liberty,  of 
thee  I  don't  sinoj !  Bnt  it's  all  rischt.  I'm  for  freedom 
myself.  Nobody  wants  any  more  slavery.  If  the  aboli- 
tionists had  let  us  alone  we  would  have  fixed  it  up  right  a 
long  time  ago,  and  we  can  fix  it  up  now.  The  buro  ain't 
fixed  it,  and  it  ain't  a  goin  to.  It  don't  know  any  thing 
about  it.  Our  people  have  got  a  heap  more  feelin  for  the 
poor  nigger  than  any  abolitionist.  We  are  as  poor  as  Job, 
but  I'll  bet  a  dollar  we  can  raise  more  money  in  Rome  to 
build  a  nigger  church  than  they  did  in  Boston.  The  pa- 
pers say  that  after  goin  round  for  three  weeks,  the  Boston 
Christians  raised  thirty-seven  dollars  to  build  a  nigger 
church  in  Savannah.  They  are  powerful  on  theory,  but 
devilish  scarce  in  practice. 

But  it's   no   use   talkin.      Everybody    will   know   by 


ON   THE   STATE   OF   THE   COUNTEY.  143 

waitiii  who's  been  foold.  Mr.  Jolinson  says  he's  gwine  to 
experiment,  that's  all  he  can  do  now — it's  all  anybody  can 
do.  Mr.  Johnson's  head's  level.  I'm  for  him,  and  every- 
body ought  to  be  for  him — only  he's  powerful  slow  about 
some  things.  I  ain't  a-worshipping  him.  He  never  made 
me.  I  hear  folks  hollerin  hurraw  for  Andy  Johnson,  and 
the  papers  say.  Oh  !  he's  for  us,  he's  all  right,  he's  our 
friend.  Well,  spose  he  is — hadn't  he  ought  to  be  ?  Did 
you  expect  him  to  be  a  dog,  or  a  black  repubhcan  pup  ? 
Because  he  ain't  a-hangiu  of  us,  is  it  necessary  to  be 
play  in  hipocrite  around  the  foot-stool  of  power,  and  mak- 
ing out  like  he  was  the  greatest  man  in  the  world,  and  we 
was  the  greatest  sinners  ?  Who's  sorry  ?  Who's  repent- 
ing ?  Who  ain't  proud  of  our  people  ?  Who  loves  our 
enemies?  Nobody  but  a  durued  sneak.  I  say  let  'em 
/  hang  and  be  hanged  to  'em,  before  I'd  beg  'cm  for  grace. 
Whar's  Socrates,  whar's  Cato  ?  But  if  Andy  holds  his 
own,  the  country's  safe,  provided  these  general  assemblys 
and  sinods  and  bishop's  conventions  will  keep  the  devil 
and  Brownlow  tied.  Here's  a  passel  of  slink-hearted  fel- 
lers who  played  tory  just  to  dodge  bullitts  or  save  property, 
now  a-howUn  about  for  office — want  every  thing  because 
they  was  for  Union.  They  was  for  themselves,  that's 
all  they  was  for,  and  they  ain't  a-goin  to  git  the  offices 
neither.  Mr.  Johnson  ain't  got  no  more  respect  for  'em 
than  I  have.  We  want  to  trade  'em  ofif.  By  hoky,  we'll 
give  two  of 'em  for  one  copperhead,  and  ax  nothinto  boot. 


14A  BILL    ARP. 

Let  'em  shinny  on  tlieir  own  side,  and  git  over  among  the 
folks  who  don't  want  ns  reconstructed.  There's  them 
newspaper  scribblers  who  slip  down  to  the  edge  of  Dixey 
every  twenty-four  hours,  and  peep  over  at  us  on  tip-toe. 
Then  they  run  back  a-puffin  and  blo'vs'in  with  a  straight  coat 
tail,  and  holler  out,  "  He  ain't  dead — ^he  ain't  dead — ^look 
out  everybody  !  I'm  jest  from  thar — seen  his  toe  move — 
heard  him  grunt — he's  goin  to  rise  agin.  Don't  withdraw 
the  soljers,  but  send  down  more  troops  immegeately." 
And  here's  your  "  Harper's  Weekly  "  a-headin  all  sich — 
a-gassin  lies  and  slanders  in  every  issue-^-makin  iusultin 
pikters  in  every  sheet — breedin  everlastin  discord,  and 
chawin  bigger  than  ever  since  we  got  licked.  Wish  old 
Stonewall  had  cotched  these  Harpers  at  their  ferry,  and  we 
boys  had  knoAvd  they  was  goin  to  keep  up  this  devilment 
so  long.  We'd  a-made  baptists  of  them  sertin,  payroll  or 
no  payroll.  Hurraw  for  a  brave  soldier,  I  say,  reb  or  no 
reb,  Yank  or  no  Yank  ;  hurraw  for  a  manly  foe  and  a  gen- 
erous victor  ;  hurraw  for  our  side  too,  I  golly,  excuse  me, 
but  sich  expressions  will  work  their  w^ay  out  sometimes, 
brakes  or  no  brakes. 

But  I'm  for  Mr.  Johnson.  I'm  for  all  the  Johnsons — 
it's  a  bully  name.  There's  our  Governor,  who  ain't  goin 
at  a  discount — and  there's  Andy,  w^ho  is  doing  powerful 
well  considerin,  and  there's  the  hero  of  Shiloh — peace  to 
his  noble  ashes. 

And  there's  Joe — my  bully  Joe — wouldn't  I  walk  ten 


PARADISE   LOST. 


p.  143. 


ON   THE    STATE    OF   THE    COUNTEY.  145 

miles  of  a  rainy  night  to  see  them  hazel  eyes,  and  feel  the 
grip  of  his  soldier  hand  ?  Didn't  my  rooster  always  clap 
his  Tcings  and  crow  whenever  he  passed  our  quarters  ? 
"  Instinct  told  him  that  he  was  the  true  prince,"  and  it 
would  make  anybody  brave  to  be  nigh  him.  I  like  all  the 
Johnsons,  even  to  Sam — L.  C.  He  never  levied  on  me  if 
he  could  git  round  it.  For  twenty  years  me  and  Sam  have 
been  workin  together  in  the  justice  court.  I  was  an  ever- 
lastin  defendant,  and  Sam  the  constable,  but  he  never  sold 
my  property  nor  skeered  Mrs.  Arp.  Hurraw  for  the 
Johnsons ! 

Well,  on  the  whole,  there's  a  heap  of  things  to  be 
thankful  for.  I'm  thankful  the  war  is  over — ^that's  the  big 
thing.  Then  I'm  thankful  I  ain't  a  black  republican  pup. 
I'm  thankful  that  Thad  Stevens  and  Sumner  and  Phillips, 
nor  none  of  their  kin,  ain't  no  kin  to  me.  I'm  thankful  for 
the  high  privilege  of  hatin  all  such.  I'm  thankful  I  live  m 
Dixey,  in  the  State  of  Georgia,  and  our  Governor's  name 
ain't  Brownlow.  Poor  Tennessee !  I  golly,  didn't  she 
catch  it !  Andy  Johnson's  pardons  would  do  rebs  much 
good  there.  They  better  git  one  from  the  devil  if  they  ex- 
pect it  to  pass.  Wonder  w^hat  made  Providence  afflict 
'em  with  sich  a  cuss. 

But  I  can't  dwell  on  sich  a  subject.  Its  highly  demor- 
alizing and  unprofitable. 


"  Sweet  Land  of  Liberty,  of  thee 
1 


I  could  not  sing  in  Tennessee." 


14:6  BILL    AEr. 

But  tlien  weVe  had  a  circus  once  more,  and  seen  the 

clown  play  round,  and  that  makes  up  for  a  heap  of  trouble. 

In  fact,  it's  the  best  sign  of  rekonstruction   I   have   yet 

observed. 

Yours,  hopin, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — And  they  hauled  Grant's  cabin  a  thousand  miles. 
Well,  Sherman's  war-horse  stayed  in  my  stable  one  night. 
I  want  to  sell  the  stall  to  some  Yankee  State  Fair.  As  our 
people  ain't  the  sort  that  runs  after  big  folk's  things,  the 
stall  ain't  no  more  than  any  other  stall  to  me.  State  Fairs, 
it's  for  sale  !  I  suppose  that  "  Harper's  Weekly  "  or  Frank 
Lesly  will  paint  a  picture  of  it  soon  by  drawin  on  their 
imao'ination.  B.  A. 


TO  THE  CHATTANOOGA  GAZETTE. 

Gentle  Sir  :  I  don't  think  you  tote  fair.  I  haven't 
expressed  my  lacerated  feelins  in  public  but  twice  since 
the  war.  I  didn't  live  in  Chattanoogy,  and  I  didn't  hav 
no  Gazette.  For  about  three  months  you  bullied  us  in  your 
paper  to  your  entire  satisfaction.  Until  Mr.  Johnsin  sorter 
took  up  for  us,  you  never  sent  a  sheet  to  Rome  that  didn't 
hurt  our  feelins  and  bore  into  our  hearts  like  a  cotton  gim- 
let. You  copied  from  Yankee  papers  the  meanest  of  their 
slander,  and  it  .seemed  to  be  perfectly  congenial  with  your 
sentiments. 

Well,  sir,  we  bore  it  like  an  Injun.  We  bore  it  silently 
and  proud.  We  looked  at  our  desolated  land,  our  lonesome 
chimneys,  our  grave-yards,  where  you  unhurried  our  dead 
and  sunk  your  rifle-pits ;  where  you  broke  to  fragments  the 
iron  railing,  and  took  the  very  tombstones  to  put  in  your 
fortifications.  We  read  your  exaltations  of  Northern  bra- 
very and  Southern  treason,  and  we  scorned  you  from  the 


148  BILL   AEP. 

bottom  of  our  lieails.  Now,  when  of  late,  an  liumble  in- 
dividual makes  bold  to  burst  bis  biler,  and  express  liis  sen- 
timents in  two  brief  letters,  you  get  up  like  a  sanctified 
preacher  and  read  him  a  public  lecture  about  harmonizin. 
Gentle  sir,  it  don't  become  you.  When  I've  insulted  you 
about  2,000  times  we  will  be  even.  But  I  don't  intend  to 
insult  you  at  all.  If  you  are  an  honest  man  and  a  generous 
conqueror,  I  ain't  after  you.  When  you  make  an  effort  to 
con\dnce  Mr.  Harper's  Weekly  and  the  Black  Republicans 
that  our  people,  from  General  Lee  and  Mr.  Davis  down  to 
the  hio-h  privates,  are  just  as  good  and  brave  and  honor- 
able as  they  are,  I'll  harmonize  with  you. 

But,  gentle  sir,  haven't  you  spread  yourself  too  far  from 
home  ?  What  have  you  been  doin  about  harmonizin  your 
own  people  ?  Our  little  burnt  city  is  fast  fillin  up  with 
your  best  citizens.  Durin  the  war  you  let  'em  stay,  but 
after  the  war  they  are  forced  to  leave.  Like  exiles,  they 
are  seekin  refuge  in  Cherokee,  Georgy,  and  there  stands 
your  paper  like  a  lampless,  lightless  beacon  on  the  shore, 
and  sustains  the  men  and  measures  that  made  'em  leave. 
You  are  seein  'em  day  after  day  desertin  your  State,  and 
you  look  away  off,  and  employ  your  pen  in  lecturin  a 
poor  stranger  about  harmonizin. 

Gentle  sir,  shorten  your  sights.  Begin  to  work  on  your 
home  concerns,  or  you'll  lose  all  your  best  society.  They 
are  welcome  here,  and  we'll  all  stand  by  'em,  but  then,  I 


TO   THE   CnATTANOOGA   GAZETTE.  149 

have  always  tlioiight  that  every  great  State  ought  to  have 
some  good  men  left  in  it.     Don't  you  ?     Gentle  sir,  tote 

fair. 

Not  yours, 

BILL  AEP. 


BILL   AEP  ADDEESSES   HIS   CON- 
STITUENTS. 

Respectable  People  : 

I  address  you  on  this  occasion  with  a  profound  admira- 
tion for  the  great  consideration  which  caused  you  to  honor 
me  by  your  votes  with  a  seat  in  the  Senate  of  Georgy. 
For  two  momentus  and  iuspirin  weeks,  the  Legislature  has 
been  in  solemn  session,  one  of  whom  I  am  proud  to  be 
which.  For  several  davs  we  were  enojaored  as  scouts, 
making  a  sorter  reconysance  to  see  whether  Georgy  were  a 
State  or  a  Ino;in  temtorr,  whether  we  were  in  the  old 
Un-ion  or  out  of  it,  whether  me  and  my  folks  and  you  and 
your  folks  were  somebody  or  nobody,  and  lastly,  but  by  no 
means  leastly,  whether  our  poor  innocent  children,  born 
duriu  the  war,  were  all  illegal  and  had  to  be  born  over 
agin  or  not.  This  last  pint  are  much  unsettled,  but  our 
women  are  advised  to  be  calm  and  screen. 

My  Mends,  our  aim  has  honestly  been  to  git  you  all 
back  into   the   folds   of  the  glorious   Un-ion.     Like   the 


ADDRESSES    HIS    CONSTITUENTS.  151 

prodigal  son  we  had  nothin  to  live  on,  and  feeling  lonesome 
and  hungry,  hav  been  bowin  and  scrapin  and  makin 
apologys  for  five  or  six  months.  We  have  been  seen  stand- 
ing afar  off  for  weeks  and  weeks,  but  durn  the  calf  do  they 
kill  for  us.  They  know  we've  got  nothing,  for  they  eat  up 
our  substance,  and  as  for  putting  rings  on  our  fingers  we 
couldn't  expect  it  until  they  bring  back  the  jewelry  they 
carried  away.  I  cannot  say  in  the  language  of  the  poet, 
that  our  labor  has  been  a  labor  of  love,  for  we've  had  mon- 
strous poor  encouragement  to  be  shure  ;  but  we  had  all  set 
our  heads  toward  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  and  we  jintly  de- 
termined that,  come  wool  come  wo,  sink  or  swim,  sumve 
or  perish,  thunder  or  litenin,  we'd  slip  back  or  sneak  back, 
or  git  back  somehow  or  somehow  else,  or  we'd  stay  out 
forever  and  ever,  and  be  hanged  to  'era,  so-called,  I  golly. 

Up  to  this  time  it  has  been  an  uphill  business.  The 
team  was  a  good  one,  and  the  gear  all  sound,  and  the 
wagm  greased,  but  the  road  is  perhaps  the  roughest,  rot- 
tenest  cordroy  in  the  world.  It's  pull  up  and  scotch,  and 
pull  up  and  scotch,  and  ever  and  annonymus  the  scotch 
slips  out  and  the  tongue  cuts  round,  and  away  we  go  into 
the  gully.  Andy  Jonsin  is  the  driver,  and  he  says,  "  go 
slow,"  and  he  hollers  "  wo,  wo,"  and  loses  the  road,  and 
then  we  have  to  go  back  to  the  fork  and  wait  till  he  blazes 
the  way.  He  seems  to  be  doing  his  best,  but  then  thar  is 
Sumner  and  Satin  and  Stevens  and  Davis  and  other  like 
gentlemen  who  keep  liollerin  at  him  and  crackin  his  whip 


152  BILL    AEP. 

and  confusin  his  idees,  so  that  sometimes  we  don't  know 
vvhetlier  he's  gee-in  or  haw-in. 

My  friends,  about  them  fellers  I  don't  know  what  I 
ought  to  say.  If  you  do,  or  if  anybody  does,  I  wish  they 
would  say  it.  I  don't  encourage  cussin  in  nobody,  not  at 
all,  but  if  you  know  of  a  man  that  can't  be  broke  of  it 
durin  his  natural  life,  it  might  be  well  to  hire  him  by  the 
year.  If  there  is  in  all  history  a  good  excuse  and  a  proper 
subject,  it  is  upon  them  heartless,  soulless,  bowelless,  giz- 
zardless,  fratrisidal,  suisidal,  parasidal,  sistercidal,  abomina- 
bul,  contemptibul,  disgustabul  individuals.  1  sometimes 
think  of  'em  till  my  brain  gits  sorter  addled,  and  I  feel  like 
becomin  a  volunteer  convict  of  the  lunatic  asylorum. 
Charity  inclines  me  to  the  opinyun  that  old  Sumner  is 
crazy.  I  think  he  has  been  gittin  worse  ever  since  he  took 
Brooks  on  the  brain,  and  it  does  seem  like  the  disease  has 
proved  contagious.  If  they  are  for  peace  we  can't  fathom 
it  in  these  regions.  They  fought  us  to  free  the  poor 
nigger,  but  didn't  care  for  the  Union.  Tlie  Western  boys 
fought  us  for  the  Union,  but  didn't  care  for  the  nigger. 
By  double  teamin  on  us  they  licked  us,  and  we  gin  it  up, 
but  now  the  one  don't  want  our  niggers  and  the  other 
don't  want  our  Union,  and  it's  the  hardest  scedule  to  pleas 
'em  both  a  poor  vanished  people  ever  undertook.  It's  the 
hardest  war  to  wind  up  that  history  records.  Sumner, 
Satin,  and  Company  are  still  a-fiissin  and  fumin  about  the 
everlastin  nigger — want  him  to  vote  and  make  laws  and 


ADDKESSES    HIS    CONSTITUENTS.  153 

squat  on  a  jury,  and  wants  to  prohibit  us  rebels  from  doin 
the  same  thing  for  thirty  years  to  come !  Jeerusalem  ! 
where  is  the  cussin  man  ?  They  say  it's  all  right  for  a 
nijjQ-er  not  to  vote  in  Connecticut,  because  there  ain't  but 
a  few  of  'em  tliar ;  and  it  s  all  wrong  for  'em  not  to  vote  in 
Georgy,  because  there's  a  heap  of  'em  here,  and  they  talk 
logic  and  rhetoric  amazin  to  show  how  it  is.  Well,  I  hain't 
got  a  whole  passel  of  sense  like  some,  but  as  sure  as  I  am 
two  foot  high  a  nigger  is  a  nigger  I  don't  care  where  you 
smell  him,  and  a  vote  is  a  vote  I  don't  care  where  you 
drap  it.     I  golly,  they  can't  git  over  that. 

The  truth  is,  my  fellow-citizens,  I  sometimes  feel  like  we 
didn't  have  no  Government.  I  felt  that  way  sorter  when 
Mr.  Gibson  appointed  me  a  Committee  on  the  State  of  the 
Republic.  When  the  Secretary  read  out  my  name  all 
mixed  up  with  the  Republic,  I  felt  that  I  was  obleged  to 
renig.  Risui  majestically  to  my  feet,  says  I,  "  Mr.  Presi- 
dent, I  beg  to  be  respectfully  excused,  sir,  if  you  please. 
If  there's  any  Republic  on  this  side  of  Jordin,  I  can't  per- 
ceive it  at  this  time  with  these  specs.  Thar  was  a  place  in 
old  Virginny  called  Port  Republic,  but  Mr.  Rebel  General 
Stonewall  Jackson  wiped  out  its  contents  generally  in  1863, 
and  I  haven't  since  heard  of  it  in  Northern  literature.  I 
have  heard  of  a  scrub  concern  over  about  Washington  they 
call  a  Republic,  but,  sir,  it  is  likely  to  prove  the  grandest 
imposture  that  ever  existed  on  a  continent  of  freedom. 
T  suppose,  sir,  it  is  to  be  moved  to  Boston  or  the  infer- 
7* 


154  BILL   AEP. 

nal  regions  in  a  few  days,  and  I  want  notliin  to  do  with  it. 
Excuse  me,  sir,  but  I  must  insist  on  being  respectably  dis- 
charged." I  took  my  seat  amidst  the  most  profoundest  and 
tumultuous  silence  ever  seen,  and  Mr.  Gibson  remarked 
that  he  wouldn't  impose  the  republic  on  no  respectable 
man  ao-in  his  wishes.  He  then  transferred  me  to  the 
finance  committee,  and  said  he  hoped  we  would  take  im- 
mediate action,  for  the  State  had  no  money,  as  well  as 
himself,  and  board  was  high  and  eat  seteras  frequent. 
This  may  not  hav  been  his  exactual  lang-uage,  but  is  anglin 
towards  it.  I  bowed  my  head  and  sed  "  Ditto,  except  that 
I  don't  eat  seteras."  Forthwith  I  telegTaft  various  gentle- 
men for  a  temporary  loan,  but  they  wouldn't  lend  a  dollar 
until  Mr.  Jenkins  war  inorgarated,  for  they  wanted  his 
name  to  the  note.  Thinks  says  I  there's  a  tap  lost  about 
this  wagon.  If  we  arc  a  State  we  can  borrow  money  in 
Augusta.  If  we  ain't  a  State  it's  none  of  our  bisiness  to 
borrow  it  at  all.  If  Andy  wants  to  run  the  machine  his 
own  way,  let  him  pay  his  own  expences.  What  in  the 
dickens  is  a  provision  government  for  if  it  ain't  to  get  up 
provisions  and  provide  for  a  feller  generally  ?  I  made  up 
my  mind  that  perhaps  we  had  been  humorin  Andy  about 
long  enough ;  we  had  as  much  right  to  a  governor  as  Ala- 
bama or  South  Callina.  He  wants  us  back  about  as  bad 
as  we  want  to- git  back,  and  a  httle  badder  ^:)er^ap6',  and  he 
needn't  put  on  so  many  unnecessary  airs  about  the  senator 
bisiuesp.     If  he  fools  with  us  much,  we  won't  elect  nobody. 


ADDRESSES    KIS    CONSTITUENTS.  155 

I  golly,  we'll  take  the  studs  and  go  backwards.     I  forth- 
with returned  to  the  capitol,  and  stretching  forth  one  of 
my  arms  says  I,  "  Mr.  Gibson,  sir— I'm  your  friend — I'm 
the  friend  of  your  wife  and  children,  but  if  Mr.  Jenkins 
ain't  inaugurated  soon  the  State  will  collapse.     A  bright 
and  glorious  star  will  be  obliterated  from  off  the  striped 
rag,  and   the  President  will   lose   about  nine  supporters 
in  the  Federal  Congress.     I  move,  sir,  that  if  we  can't  git 
our  governor  at  once  like  a  sine  qua  non,  we  break  up  in  a 
row  and  depart  for  Mexico."     It  took  like  the  small  pox, 
and  was  carried  tumultously.     These  proceedins  w-as  tele- 
grafed  to  Washington  before  the  ink  was  dry,  and  we  re- 
ceived orders  forthwith  to  inaugurate  our  governor  and 
roll   on   our  cart.     Then  the  money  come,  and  we  voted 
ourselves  a  pocket  full  a-piece  and  took  a  fm-lough.     My 
friends,  that  was  a  proud  and  glorious  day,  when   that 
great  and  good  man  was  makin  his  affecting  speech.     AVe 
all  felt  happy,  and  Captain  Dodd,  the  member  from  Polk, 
remarked  that  he  would  like  to  die  then,  for  he  never  ex- 
pected to  feel  as  heavenly  agin.     The  tears  ran  down  his 
left  eye  like  rain.     His  other  eye  was  beat  out  by  a  Yan- 
kee soldier  while  the  cappen  was  in  prison.     Of  course 
the  villain  was  tried  for  it  and  hung,  though  I  hain't  seen 
no  mention  of  it  in  the  papers.     Alas  poor  Wirz ! 

My  fellow-people,  let  me  in  conclusion  congratulate 
you  on  having  a  governor  once  more,  as  is  a  governor. 
Oh  there  is  life  in  the  old  land  yet,  and  by  and  by  we'll 


156  BILL    AKP. 

transport  tliem  black  Eepublicans  into  the  African  desert, 
and  put  'em  to  teaching  Hottentots  the  right  of  suffrage. 
Winter  Davis  could  then  find  a  field  of  labor  sufiicient  for 
the  miserable  remnant  of  his  decliniuo;  years.  He  is  the 
Winter  of  our  discontent,  and  we  want  to  git  rid  of  him. 
He  and  his  clan  have  done  us  much  evil,  and  I  am  induced 
to  exclaim  in  the  language  of  Paul  about  Alexander,  the 
coppersmith,  "  May  the  Lord  reward  'em  accordin  to  their 
works."  More  anonymous, 

BILL  AEP. 

P.  S. — Cousin  John  Thrasher  says  he  studied  law  for  a 
week,  and  will  be  a  candidate  for  some  hio-h  ofiice  when 
we  meet  again,  provided  we  give  him  time  to  sell  his  cot- 
ton seed.  I'll  say  this  for  hito,  art  has  done  as  much  for 
him  as  for  some  of  the  candidates,  and  nature  more,  and 
his  cotton  seed  are  as  good  seed  as  I  ever  seed.  I  hope  he 
will  suck-seed.  B.  A. 


BILL  ARP  TO  HIS  OLD  FRIEND. 

Mr.  John  Happy — 

Sir  :  I  want  to  write  to  you  personally  about  some 
tilings  that's  weighin  on  me.  I  look  on  you  as  a  friend, 
and  I  feel  like  dropping  a  few  lines  by  way  of  unburtben- 
ing  my  sorrowfal  reflections.  For  tbe  last  few  years  you 
Lave  travelled  round  right  smart,  and  must  have  made  a 
heap  of  luminous  observations.  I  hear  you  are  now  living 
in  Nashville,  where  you  can  see  all  sides  of  every  thing, 
and  read  all  the  papers,  where  you  can  study  Paradise 
Lost  without  a  Book,  and  see  the  devil  and  his  angels, 
without  drawing  on  the  imagination,  and  I  thought  maybe 
you  might  assist  me  in  my  troubled  feelings.  I  have  al- 
ways, Mr.  Happy,  endeavored  to  see  the  bright  side  of 
every  picture  if  it  had  any,  but  there  is  one  or  two  subjects 
about  which  I  had  mighty  nigh  giv  it  up. 

I  want  you  to  tell  me  if  you  can,  about  what  time  are 
the  black  republicans  goin  to  quit  persecuting  our  people  ? 
What  are  they  so  everlastin  mad  with  us  about?  Old 
Skewball  says  it's  for  treason  that  we've  2;one  and  done, 


158  BILL   AEP. 

and  that  I'm  tlie  slowest  perceving  man  lie  ever  saw  not  to 
have  found  it  out. 

Now  treason  is  a  miglity  bad  thing,  and  any  man  found 
guilty  of  treason  ought  to  be  talked  to  by  a  preacher  right 
under  a  gallows,  and  then  be  allowed  to  stand  on  nothing 
for  a  few  hours  by  the  clock.     Shore  enough  treason  I 
mean.     Treason  where  a  man  slips  around  on  the  sly  in 
time  of  war,  and  takes  sides  ao-in  his  country.      Jest  as 
though,  for  instance,  I  should  have  worked  agin  my  sov- 
ereign State  after  she  had  seceded,  and  had  stole  her  pow- 
der or  deserted  her  in  her  time  of  peril,  while  she  was  de- 
fendin  herself  against  the  combined  assaults  of  the  world, 
the  flesh  and  the  devil.     I  wouldn't  have  blamed  nobody 
for  hano'in  me  for  the  like,  would  you  ?     But  Skewball 
says  we  ain't  got  no  sovereign  States — that  the  war  has  set- 
tled the  question  agin  us  on  that  point.    I  don't  think  so,  my 
frend.     I  admit  that  we  ain't  nothin  in  particular  now,  but 
we  did  have  sovcreio-n  States  before  the  war,  and  the  sword 
ain't  settled  nor  unsettled  no  great  principles.     TJiere  ain't 
no  trial  of  rio-ht  or  wrouo-  bv  wag^er  of  battle  nowadays. 
For  mitynisxh  a  hundred  years  this  country  has  been  a  bin 
debatin  society  on  these   questions.     From  the  time   of 
Hamilton  and  Jefferson  down  to  1861,  the  rio-ht  of  a  State 
to  dissolve  her  own  partnership  has  been  argued  by  pow- 
erful minded  men,  and  there  has  been  more  for  it  than 
agin  it.     More  Presidents,  more  senators,  more  statesmen, 
more  judi]!:cs,  more  people.     Massachusetts  and  Connecti- 


TO    HIS   OLD    FRIEND.  159 

cut  were  for  it  at  one  time,  and  bellered  round  and  pawed 
dirt  amazin  to  git  out,  but  tliey  found  out  Barcus  was  wil- 
lin  and  they  didn't  go.  I  believe,  however,  that  old  Nut- 
meg did  stay  out  about  two  hours  and  a  half. 

Well,  the  South  went  out  mighty  unwillingly,  Mr. 
Happy,  as  you  know.  She  had  been  mighty  nigh  kicked 
out  for  a  long  time,  and  there  was  a  big  party  that  wanted 
us  to  go  out  and  stay  out.  Everybody  knows  we  didn't 
get  along  in  peace,  so  w^e  concluded  to  do  like  Abraham 
and  his  brother-in-law ;  to  separate  our  households.  What 
they  wanted  to  keep  us  for  I  never  could  see,  and  can't  see 
yet.  T  wouldn't  have  a  nigger  or  a  dog  to  stay  round 
me  that  didn't  want  to.  Some  say  they  wanted  us  to 
strengthen  them  agin  their  enemies  in  case  of  a  furrin  war. 
Does  any  man  in  his  senses  expect  us  to  help  the  Black 
Republicans  whip  any  body  ?  Have  we  got  any  worse 
enemies  than  they  are  ?  They  can't  make  us  fight,  I 
reckon,  if  we  don't  want  to.  We've  fouixht  enou2"h,  and 
made  nothing  by  it  but  glory,  and  we  ain't  agoino-  to  join  in 
another  war  to  gratify  other  people.  Dodds  says  before 
he'd  pull  a  trigger  for  Thad  Stevens,  he'd  have  his  soul 
transmigrated  to  a  bench-leg'd  fice,  and  bark  at  his  daddy's 
mules  2,000  years.  I  wonder  if  the  experience  of  the  last 
four  years  ain't  satisfied  these  fellows  that  our  boys  are  a 
dangerous  set  to  be  turned  loose  in  time  of  war.  Wouldn't 
you  think  that  as  a  matter  of  policy  they  would  soft  sod- 
dcr  us  a  little,  and  quit  their  slauderin  ?     If  we  do  fight 


160  BILL   AKP. 

for  'em,  tlicre  will  be  one  condition  certain — tliey  mout 
be  put  where  David  put  Uriali,  and  our  boys  mout  consent 

0  make  a  charge  or  two  behind  'em  at  the  point  of  the 

)ao;net. 

But  I  want  you  to  tell  me,  John,  if  I  am  right  about 
^he  history  of  this  business.  It  ain't  a  long  story,  and  I'll 
tell  it  the  way  I  see  it.  Old  Pewrytan  went  off  one  day 
with  some  ships,  and  took  a  few  beads  and  Jews  harps,  and 
bought  up  a  lot  of  captured  niggars  from  the  Hottentots,  or 
some  other  tots,  and  stole  a  few  more  on  the  coast  of  Africa, 
and  brought  'em  over  and  educated  'em  to  work  in  the  field, 
and  cut  wood,  and  skeer  bars,  and  so  forth,  but  not  includin 
votin,  nor  musterin,  nor  the  jury  business,  nor  so  forth. 

Well,  after  while  they  found  that  the  cold  winds  and 
codfish  airs  of  New  England  didn't  ao;ree  with  the  nio-g-er, 
and  so  they  begun  to  slide  'em  down  South  as  fast  as  pos- 
sible. After  they  had  sold  'em,  and  got  the  money,  they 
jined  the  Church,  and  became  sanctified  about  slavery, 
sorter  like  the  woman  that  got  converted  and  then  give 
all  her  novels  away  to  her  unconverted  sister.  Well,  the 
Old  Dominion,  and  sich  of  her  sons  as  Washington,  and 
Jefferson,  and  Madison,  and  Randolph,  bought  'em  and 
worked  'em  to  satsifaction ;  whereupon  Old  Pew  got  jeal- 
ous and  began  to  preach  agin  it  to  break  it  down.  After 
while  they  went  into  the  striped  almanak  bisness,  makin 
bloody  picturs  of  poor  lascerated  niggers  gettiu  a  hundred 
lashes  for  nothin,  and  mourniu  for  their  first-born  because 


TO    HIS   OLD   FRIEND.  161 

they  were  not.  Then  they  started  the  stealin  prograghm, 
and  while  we  were  tryin  all  the  big  courts  and  httlc  courts 
to  git  back  one  sickly  melatter,  by  the  name  of  Dred  Scott, 
they  were*  stealin  from  five  to  fifty  a  day,  and  coveriu  their 
carcasses  all  over  with  nigger  larceny,  and  smuglin  the 
Constitution  into  an  abolishun  mush.  They  built  a  fence 
around  the  institution  as  high  as  Haman's  gallows,  and 
hemmed  it  in,  and  laid  siege  to  it  jest  like  an  army  would 
besege  a  city  to  stai^e  out  the  inhabitants.  They  kept  peg- 
gin  at  us  untell  we  got  mad — shore  enufi"  mad — and  we 
resolved  to  cut  loose  from  'em,  and  paddle  our  own 
canoo. 

Now,  all  this  time,  we  had  some  good  frends  among 
'era — some  who  swore  we  were  imposed  upon,  and  said  we 
had  good  cause  to  dissolve  the  partnership.  They  said 
that  if  we  did  seseed,  and  the  abolishun ests  made  war 
upon  us,  they  would  stand  by  us  and  throw  their  lives  and 
fortunes  and  their  sacred  honor  right  into  the  breach,  and 
the  first  fight  would  be  over  their  dead  bodies,  and  so  on. 
My  memory  is  bad,  but  I  remember  that  some  of  'em  were 
named  James  Buchanan,  and  Dan  Dickinson,  and  John 
Cochran,  and  Logan,  and  Cushiu,  and  Butler,  surnamed 
the  Beast,  and  McLernard,  and  Stephen  A.  Douglas,  who 
got  his  commission  about  the  time  he  died,  and  carried  it 
with  him  to  parts  unknown ;  and  lastly,  a  man  by  the 
name  of  Andy  Johnson,  who,  I  suppose,  are  some  distant 
relation  to  the  President  of  the  United  Slates  of  America. 


162  BILL    AEP. 

But  a  man  aiu't  responsible  for  the  bad  conduct  of  his  re- 
lations, and  I  don't  throw  it  up  to  nobody.  I  suppose  that 
our  President  are  doin  the  best  he  can,  and  Mr.  Ethridfre 
oughtn't  to  be  taking  up  his  record. 

Well,  the  war  come  on,  and  shore  enuff,  Logan  and 
Cushin  and  McLemard  and  Butler  and  Company  buzzed 
around  a  while  like  bumble-bees,  till  they  were  bought  up, 
and  then  they  lit  over  on  the  other  side.*  They  got  their  re- 
ward, and  they  are  welcome  to  it  so  far  as  I  am  concerned. 

How  is  it  now,  Mr.  Happy  ?  They  conquered  us  by  the 
sword,  but  they  haven't  convinced  us  of  nuthin  much  that 
I  know  of.  All  is  lost  save  honor,  and  that  they  can't  steal 
from  us  nor  tarnish. 

If  they  had  held  out  the  hand  of  fellowship,  we  would 
have  made  fiiends  and  buried  the  hatchet.  But  the  very 
minit  they  whipped  us,  they  begun  to  holler  treason  from 
one  end  of  the  country  to  the  other  just  like  they  had 
made  a  bran  new  discoverv.  It  seemed  to  strike  'em  all 
of  a  sudden  like  Xpost  facto  law,  and  they  wanted  to  go 
into  a  general  hangin  bisness,  and  keep  it  up  as  long 
as  they  could  find  rope  and  timber. 

Now,  the  idea  of  several  millions  of  American  freemen 
being  guilty  of  treason  at  once  !  The  idea  of  applyin 
treason  to  the  Old  Dominion,  the  mother  of  States,  and  of 
Washinp-ton  and  Jefiferson  and  Madison  and  Marshall  and 
Patrick  Henry  and  all  the  Lees,  and  who  give  away  all 
the  territory  in  the  Northwest  for  nuthin  !     Is  she  to  be 


TO    HIS    OLD    FKIEND.  163 

scandalized  by  these  new-light  Christians  who  are  com- 
pounded from  all  the  skum  of  all  creation,  and  think  that 
Paul  and  Peter  and  Revelations  have  been  for  two  hundred 
years  raakin  special  arrangements  for  receivin  their  sancti- 
fied souls  in  Paradise  ?  Treason  the  dickens !  Where's 
your  dictionary  ?  Where's  Dan'l  Webster  ?  Where's  the 
history  of  the  American  Revolution  ? 

No,  it  ain't  treason  or  reason — but  it's  devellish,  in- 
fernal, inhuman  hate.  What  do  they  keep  Mr.  Davis  in 
jail  for  ?  I  hear  smn  say  that  it  ain't  Mr.  Johnson's 
voluntary  doings,  but  the  tremengius  pressure  of  sur- 
roundino;  circumstances.  Durn  the  circumstances.  Ain't 
Mr.  Davis  a  great  and  good  man  ?  If  Andy  Johnson 
ain't  an  infidel,  wouldn't  he  swap  chances  for  heaven 
with  him,  and  give  all  his  earthly  estate  to  boot  ?  If 
Mr.  Davis's  honor  and  integTity  and  patriotism  and  true 
couraGje  were  weio-hed  in  a  balance  ao-ainst  Sumner's  and 
Stevens's  and  all  his  enemies,  wouldn't  he  outweigh  'em  all  ? 
W^on't  his  conduct  in  Mexico,  and  in  the  late  war,  and  his 
nobility  of  character,  live  long,  and  grow  bright  in  history, 
while  the  memory  of  the  hounds  that  are  bayin  him  in  his 
duno;eon  will  sink  into  oblivion  ?  I  think  so — that's  what 
I  say,  and  I'll  bet  on  it,  and  Charles  O'Conor  and  all  the 
women  in  the  country  will  go  my  halves. 

But  there  ain't  no  particular  point  in  all  this,  Mr. 
Happy.  It's  only  my  opinion,  that's  all.  I  may  be  a 
tanial  fool,  and  I  sometimes  feel  like  I  am  a  fool  about 


164  BILL    AEP. 

every  thing,  and  don't  know  notLin.  I'm  tryin  my  best, 
however,  to  take  things  jest  as  I  find  'em,  and  my  principal 
business  for  the  last  two  months  have  been  weanin'  nio-o-ers 

Co 

to  make  'em  feel  free.  I  put  'em  all  out  to  take  care  of 
themseh'es,  and  I  don't  know  Avhat  Thad  Stevens  is  a-fussin 
about,  unless  he  is  Jest  mad  because  our  boys  burnt  his 
iron-works.  If  that's  all,  we  can  plead  the  ruins  of  various 
similar  establishments  in  these  regions,  and  get  a  judgment 
against  him. 

But  I'm  about  through,  Mr.  Happy,  with  what  I  had  to 
say.  Only  this — if  there  ever  was  an  afflicted  people  that 
needed  friends,  it's  us.  If  we've  got  any  friends  anywhere,  I 
want  'em  to  show  their  hands  and  stand  by  us  in  our 
trouble.  I  feel  like  reachin  out  to  the  five  points  of  the 
compass  in  search  of  sympathy,  and  if  there  is  an  honest 
statesman  or  a  brave  soldier  north  of  the  line  who  loves  his 
fellow-men,  let  him  open  his  heart  and  meet  us  on  half-way 
ground.  We  ain't  afeered  of  beasts  or  varmints — of  devils 
or  demons — of  Stevens  or  Sumner — but  we  are  a  warm- 
hearted and  forgivin  people,  and  friends.     Ain't  we,  and 

don't  we  ? 

Yours,  everlastingly, 

BILL  AEP. 

P.  S. — Is  Brownlow  dead  yet  ?  I'm  wiitin  his  obitu- 
ary, and  thought  I  would  like  for  the  sad  event  to  come  off 
as  soon  as  possible.     I  wish  you  would  send  me  a  list  of 


TO    niS    OLD    FRIEND.  165 

your  members  who  voted  for  that  resolution  declarin  Gen- 
eral Lee  and  Mr.  Davis  infamous.  We  are  gettin  up  a  bill 
in  the  Georgy  Legislator,  declarin  them  infamous  who  voted 
for  the  resolution.     Fight  the  devil  v>'ith  fire  is  my  motto. 

B.  A. 


BILL  ABP  ADDRESSES  THE  LEBANON 
LA TF  SCHOOL  AND  GIVES  HIS  OWN 
SAD   EXPERIENCE, 

MiLLEDGEviLLE,  February,  18G6. 
Messes.  C.  C.  Cummings  and  others,  Committee — 

Gentlemen  :  I  have  received  your  kind  invitation  to 
address  your  law  school.  In  the  situation  by  which  I  am 
surrounded  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  go.  I  wish  I  could, 
for  I  v>'ould  like  to  tell  you  all  I  know  about  law,  and  it 
wouldn't  take  me  long.  I'm  now  in  the  law  bisness  my- 
self, at  this  place.  We  are  engaged  in  manufacturin  it  by 
wholesale,  and  after  while  it  will  be  retailed  out  by  the 
lawyers  to  anybody  that  wants  it.  It's  an  easy  bisness  to 
make  law,  though  some  of  the  bills  introduced  are  awfully 
spelt.  To-day  I  saw  a  bill  in  which  "  masheenry "  was 
spelt  with  two  esses  and  four  ease.  But  the  greatest  dilBS- 
culty  is  in  understand  in  the  law  after  it  is  made.  Among 
la\\^ers  this  difficulty  don't  seem  to  lie  so.  much  in  the  head 
as  in  the  pocket.  For  five  dollars  a  lawyer  can  luminize 
some,  and  more  akkordin  to  pay.     But  he  oughtn't  to  lu- 


ADDRESSES   THE   LEBANON    LAW    SCHOOL,    ETC.       167 

minize  but  one  side  at  a  time.  The  first  case  I  ever  had  in 
a  justice  court  I  employed  old  Bob  Leggins,  who  was  a 
sorter  of  a  self-educated  fool.  I  give  him  two  dollars  in 
advance,  and  he  argued  the  case,  as  I  thought,  on  two 
sides,  and  was  more  luminous  agin  me  than  for  me.  I  lost 
the  case,  and  found  out  afterwards  that  the  defendant  had 
employd  Leggins  after  I  did,  and  give  him  five  dollars  to 
lose  my  case.  I  look  upon  this  as  a  warnin  to  all  clients  to 
pay  big  fees  and  keep  your  lawyer  out  of  temptation. 

My  experience  in  litigation  have  not  been  satisfactory. 
I  sued  Sugar  Black  onst  for  the  price  of  a  load  of  shucs. 
He  said  he  wanted  to  buy  some  mffness,  and  I  agTeed  to 
bring  him  a  load  of  shucs  for  two  dollars.  My  wagin  got 
broke,  and  he  got  tired  a-waitin,  and  sent  out  after  the 
shucs  himself.  When  I  calld  on  him  for  the  pay,  he  seemd 
surprisd,  and  said  it  had  cost  him  two  dollars  and  a  half 
to  have  the  shucs  hauled,  and  that  I  justly  owed  him  a 
half  a  dollar.  lie  was  bio-o;er  than  I  was,  so  I  swallowed 
my  bile  and  sued  him.  His  lawyer  plead  a  set-ofif  for 
haulin.  He  plead  that  the  shucs  was  unsound;  that  they 
were  barrd  by  limitations ;  that  they  didn't  agree  with  his 
cow,  and  that  he  never  got  any  shucs  from  me.  He  spoke 
about  an  hour,  and  allouded  to  me  as  a  swindler  about 
forty-five  times.  The  bedevild  jury  went  out  and  brought 
in  a  verdict  again  me  for  fifty  cents  and  four  dollars  for 
costs  of  suit.  I  hain't  saved  nary  shuc  on  my  plantation 
since,  and  I  don't  intend  to  until  it  gits  less  expensive.     I 


168  BILL   AEP. 

look  upon  this  as  a  waniiii  to  all  folks  never  to  go  to  law 
about  shucs,  or  any  otlier  small  circumstance. 

The  next  trouble  I  had  wus  with  a  feller  who  I  hired 
to  dig  me  a  well.  He  wus  to  dig  it  for  twenty  dollar,  and 
I  wus  to  pay  him  in  meat  and  meal,  and  sich  like.  The 
vagabond  kept  gittin  along  until  he  got  all  the  pay,  but 
hadn't  dug  nary  foot  in  the  groun.  So  I  made  out  my 
akkount,  and  sued  him  as  follers,  to  wit : 

Old  John  Hanks  to  BiU  Arp.  Dr. 

To  1  WeU  you  didn't  dig    ...     .     $20. 

Well,  Hanks  he  hired  a  cheap  lawyer,  who  rard  round  ex- 
tensively, and  sed  a  heap  of  fmmy  things  at  my  expense, 
and  finally  dismissed  my  case  for  what  he  called  its  "  ridik- 
ulnm  absm'dum."  I  paid  those  costs,  and  went  home  a 
sadder  and  a  wiser  man.  I  pulled  down  my  little  cabin, 
and  moved  it  some  300  yards  nigher  to  the  spring,  and 
I've  drunk  mity  little  well-water  since.  I  look  upon  this 
case  as  a  warnin  to  all  folks  never  to  pai/  for  any  thing  till 
gou've  got  it,  espeshially  if  it  has  to  be  dug. 

The  next  law  case  I  had  I  gained  it  all  by  myself  by  the 
force  of  circumstances.  I  bouo;ht  a  man's  note  that  was 
given  for  the  hire  of  a  nigger  boy,  Dik.  Fin  din  he 
wouldn't  pay  me,  I  sued  him  before  old  Squire  McGinnis, 
beleevin  it  was  sich  a  dead  thins;  that  the  devil  couldn't 
keep  me  out  of  a  verdik.  The  feller's  attorney  plead  fail- 
m*e  of  consideration,  and  non  est  fdktum  and  ignis  fatuis^ 


YANKEE   DOODLE. 


p.  129. 


ADDRESSES   THE   LEBANON   LAW    SCHOOL,    ETC.       169 

and  infancy,  and  tliat  the  nigger's  name  wasn't  Dik^  but 
Richard.  The  old  squire  was  a  powerful  secesh,  and  hated 
the  Yankees  amazin.  So,  after  the  lawyer  had  got  through 
his  speech  and  finished  up  his  readin  from  a  book  called 
"  Greenleaf,"  I  rose  forward  to  an  attitood.  Stretchin  foi^h 
my  arm,  ses  I,  "  Squire  McGinnis,  I  would  ask,  sir,  if  this 
is  a  time  in  the  history  of  our  afflicted  country  when  Fed- 
eral law  books  should  be  admitted  in  a  Southern  patriot's 
court  ?  Haven't  we  seeceeded  for  ever  from  their  foul  dom- 
ination ?  Don't  our  flag  wave  over  Fort  Sumter,  and  what, 
sir,  have  we  got  do  with  Northern  laws  ?  On  the  very  first 
page  of  the  gentleman's  book  I  seed  the  name  of  the  city 
of  Boston.  Yes,  sir,  it  was  written  in  Boston,  published 
in  Boston,  and  sold  in  Boston,  where  they  don't  know  no 
more  about  the  hire  of  a  nigger  than  an  ox  laiows  the  man 
who  will  tan  his  hide."  I  sed  some  more  things  that  was 
pinted  and  patriotic,  and  closed  my  argument  by  handin 
the  book  to  the  squire.  He  put^n  his  spektakles,  and 
after  lookin  at  the  book  about  a  minute,  says  he  : 

"  Mr.  Arp,  you  can  have  a  judgment,  and  I  hope  that 
from  henceforth  and  for  ever  no  lawyer  will  presume  to 
come  before  this  honorable  court  with  pisen  documents  to 
prove  his  case.  If  he  do,  this  court  will  take  it  as  a  insult, 
and  send  him  to  jail." 

I  look  upon  this  case  as  a  warn  in  to  all  folks  who  gamble 
in  law,  to  hold  a  good  hand  and  play  it  well.    High  jestice 
and  patriotism  are  winnin  trumps. 
8 


ITO  BILL   AEP. 

After  this  I  liad  a  difficulty  with  a  man  by  the  name 
of  Kohen,  and  I  thought  I  wouldn't  go  to  law,  but  would 
arbytrate.  I  had  bouo-ht  Tom  Swillins'  wheat  at  a  dollar  a 
bushel,  if  he  couldnH  do  any  better,  and  if  he  could  do  bet- 
ter, he  was  to  cum  back  and  give  me  the  ])reference.  The 
skamj)  went  off  and  sold  the  wheat  to  Kohen  for  a  dollar 
and  five  cents,  and  Kohen  knowd  all  about  his  contrakf 
with  me.  Me  and  him  Hke  to  have  fit,  and  perhaps  would, 
if  I  hadn't  been  puny  ;  but  we  finally  left  it  all  to  Josh 
Billins  to  arbytrate.  Old  Josh  deliberated  on  the  thing 
for  three  days  and  nights,  and  finally  brot  in  an  award  that 
Kohen  should  have  the  wheat  and  /  should  have  the  prefer- 
ence. I  hain't  submitted  no  more  cases  to  arbitration  since, 
and  my  advice  to  all  peepul  is  to  arbytrate  nuthin  if  your 
case  is  honest,  for  there  ain't  no  judge  there  to  keep  one 
man  from  trikin  the  other.  An  honest  man  don't  stand  no 
chance  nowhere  exseppin  in  a  court  house  w^ith  a  good 
lawyer  to  back  him.  The  motto  of  this  case  is,  never  to 
arbytrate  nuthin  but  a  bad  case,  and  take  a  good  law^- 
yer's  advice,  and  pay  him  for  it  before  you  do  that. 

But  I  got  Fretman — /  didn't,  but  my  lawyer  Marks 
did.  Fretman  was  a  nutmeg  skoolteacher  w^ho  had  gone 
round  my  naborhood  with  his  skool  artikles,  and  I  put 
down  for  Troup  and  Calhoun  to  go,  and  intended  to  send 
seven  or  eight  more  if  he  proved  himself  right.  I  soon 
found  that  the  little  nuUifier's  learnin  wasn't  in  any  thing, 
and  on  inquiry  I  found  that  Nutmeg  was  givin  powerful 


ADDRESSES   THE   LEBAJS[ON    LAW    SCHOOL,    ETC.       171 

long  receesses,  and  was  eraployin  his  time  chiefly  in  carryin 
on  with  a  tolerabiil  sizd  female  gal  that  was  goin  to  him. 
Troup  sed  he  heard  the  gal  squeel  herself  one  day,  and  he 
knowd  Fretman  was  a-squeezin  of  her.  I  don't  mind  our 
boy's  squeezin  of  the  Yankee  gals,  but  I'll  be  blamed  if 
the  Yankees  shall  be  a-squeezin  omni.  So  I  got  mad  and 
took  the  childern  away.  At  the  end  of  the  term  Fretman 
sued  me  for  eighteen  dollars,  and  hired  a  cheap  lawyer  to 
collekt  it.  Before  this  time  I  had  learned  some  sense  about 
a  lawyer,  so  I  hired  a  good  one,  and  spred  my  pocket-book 
down  before  him,  and  told  him  to  take  what  would  satisfy 
him.  Andhetuk.  Old  Phil  Davis  was  the  jestice.  Marks 
made  the  openin  speech  to  the  effek  that  every  professional 
man  ought  to  be  able  to  illustrate  his  trade,  and  he  there- 
fore proposed  to  put  Mr.  Fretman  on  the  stand  and  spell 
him.  This  motion  Avere  font  hard,  but  it  agreed  with  old 
Phil's  notions  of  "high  jestice,"  and  says  he,  "Mr.  Fret- 
man, you  will  have  to  spell,  sir."  Marks  then  swore  him 
that  he  would  give  true  evidence  in  this  case,  and  that  he 
would  spell  every  Avord  in  Dan'l  Webster's  spellin  book 
coiTekly  to  the  best  of  his  knowledge  and  belief,  so  help 
him,  etc.  I  saw  then  that  he  wer  tremblin  all  over  like  a 
cold  wet  dog.  Says  Marks,  "  Mr.  Fretman,  spell  '  tisik  ;'  " 
well,  he  spelt  it,  putting  in  a  ph  and  a  th  and  a  gh  and  a  zh, 
and  I  don't  know  what  all,  and  I  thought  he  was  gone  up 
the  first  pop,  but  Marks  said  it  was  right.  He  then  spelt 
him  right  strait  along  on  all  sorts  of  big  words,  and  little 


172  BILL   AKP. 

words,  and  long  words,  and  sliort  words,  and  afterwords, 
and  lie  knowd  'em  all,  till  finally  Marks  ses,  "  Now,  sir, 
spell  Ompomjpynu&ukr  Fretman  drawd  a  long  breth,  and 
sed  it  wasn't  in  tlie  book.  Marks  proved  it  was  by  an  old 
preacher,  who  was  settin  by,  and  old  Phil  spoke  up  with 
power,  ses  he,  "  Mr.  Fretman,  you  must  spell  it,  sir."  Fret- 
man  was  a  swettin  like  a  run-down  filly.  He  tuk  one  pass 
at  it,  and  mhsd. 

"You  can  come  down,  sir,"  says  Marks,  "you've  lost 
your  case."  And  shore  enuf,  old  Phil  give  a  verdict 
ajxinst  him  like  a  darn. 

Marks  was  a  whale  in  his  way.  At  the  same  court  he 
was  about  to  nonsuit  a  doctor  bekause  he  didn't  have  his 
diplomy,  and  the  doctor  begd  the  court  for  time  to  go 
home  after  it.  He  rode  seven  miles  and  back  as  hard  as 
he  could  lick  it,  and  when  he  handed  it  over  to  Marks  verv 
triumfantly,  Marks  ses,  "  Now,  sir,  you  will  take  the  stand 
and  translate  this  Latin  into  English,  so  that  the  court  may 
understand  it."  Well,  he  jest  caved,  for  he  couldn't 
do  it. 

He  lost  his  case  in  two  minets,  for  the  old  squire  said 
that  a  doctor  who  couldn't  read  his  diplomy  had  no  more 
right  to  practise  than  a  magistrate  who  couldn't  read  the 
Ucense  had  to  jine  two  couple  together.  This  is  a  warnin 
to  all  perfessional  men  to  understand  their  bisness,  and  the 
moral  of  the  case  is,  that  a  man  oughtn't  to  be  squeezin 


ADDRESSES   THE   LEBANON   LAW    SCHOOL,    ETC.       173 

tlie  gals  when  anybody  can  see  him.     But  I  don't  want  it 
understood  that  I'm  agin  it  on  proper  occasions  and  in  a 
tender  manner.     There  ain't  no  squeehn  necessary. 
But  I  must  close  this  brief  epistle. 

Yours,  truly, 

BILL  ARP. 


BILL  ARP  TO  ME.   TAMMANY  HALL, 

MiLLEDGEViLLE,  February,  1866. 

Dear  Tammany  :  You  are  a  glorious  old  feller.  You've 
got  a  lieart — a  great  big  heart — and  if  you  were  here,  I 
would  exclaim,  in  the  langdwage  of  my  unkle  Billy,  "  put 
your  hand  in  mine,  honey,  and  kiss  me."  We  are  whipd 
at  last,  old  Tammany.  We  rebs  are  conquered,  subdued, 
and  subjugated,  not  by  baj'onets  or  bullets,  but  by  your 
friendly  overtures,  your  manly  speeches.  You  and  Sunny 
South  Cox  and  Company  have  captured  us,  taken  us  pris- 
oners, and  we  are  now  as  dosile  as  we  have  been  hostile. 
Didn't  I  tell  you  that  we  would  meet  you  on  half-way 
gro^vn  ?  Didn't  we  stretch  forth  our  arms  for  sympathy, 
and  wasn't  we  about  to  turn  away  in  defiance  and  despair 
for  the  want  of  it  ? 

"  We  spread  the  mantle  of  oblivion  over  the  past.  If 
you  of  the  South  have  the  spirit  to  accept^  we  of  the  North 
have  the  heart  to  tender  you  the  offices  of  kindness.  We 
will  help  you  plant  again  the  seed  ichose  perfect  leaves^ 
flowers,  and  fruits  shall  he  yours  loith  ours  to  enjoy P 


TO  MR.    TAMMANY   HALL.  175 

Did  Mr.  Cox  say  that,  old  Tanimany,  and  did  you  clap 
your  hands  and  say  encore  ? 

"  We  are  to-day  arrayed  against  the  contention  concern- 
ing the  black  race,  and  are  looking  forward  to  the  white  race 
for  the  welfare  and  greatness  of  our  country,^'' 

And  didn't  you  say  that,  too,  old  Tammany?  and 
didn't  all  hands  jewbilee  and  exclaim,  "  that's  it,  them's 
'em,  that's  the  doktrine,  the  nigger  may  be  a  big  fish,  but  the 
white  man  is  a  whale."  And  didn't  you  all  take  another 
drink  on  that,  Mr.  Tamnianv  ?  Wish  some  of  us  rebs  had 
been  there,  old  fel,  jest  to  have  techd  tumblers  with  you. 
Thank  the  Lord  that  there  are  good  men  north  of  Dixey. 
There's  a  heap  of  'em  here,  Mr.  Hall,  and  their  hearts  are 
jumpin  and  a-bumpin  and  a-thumpin  as  big  as  yours. 
Their  hearts  were  castles,  and  their  bosoms  citadels,  but 
you  have  taken  'em.  Don't  be  alarmed,  don't  recced,  don't 
take  back  nothin ;  be  calm  and  screen,  and  we  of  the  re- 
bellious South  will  wipe  out  the  last  spark  of  hatred  to 
such  as  you.  We  are  now  wipin  away  the  curses  that 
were  upon  our  lips.  We  are  rising  up  from  our  humilia- 
tion, and  Uke  strong  men  are  shakin  the  dust  from  our  gar- 
ments. Think  of  it,  Tammany.  Wliat  a  glorious  sight  to 
see  a  brave  peepul  lifted  up — a  whole  nation  of  white  folks 
reconsiled  !  WTiat  spirit,  what  ghost,  what  inspiration  told 
you  how  to  reach  us  ?  How  did  you  know  that  we  was 
weak  where  we  was  strono:  in  the  same  secret  corner  of  our 
bosoms  ? 


176  BILL    AKP. 

You've  got  us,  Tammany,  and  we'll  respond  to  you ;  we'll 
reinforce  you.  We've  said  some  hard  things,  Mr.  Hall ; 
w*e've  tried  to  scorch  and  blister  and  excoriate,  but  you 
see  we  were  goaded,  gored  by  bulls — Trum bulls  and  Repub- 
lican bulls.  They  bellerd  and  we  pawed  dirt.  They 
punched  us  in  the  cage,  and  we  growled.  They  put  tacks 
under  our  saddles,  and  we  kicked.  What  else  could  we 
do  ?  Jest  think  of  it,  Tammany.  Ruined  and  desolate, 
the  people  in  mournin,  and  their  homes  in  ashes — no  lux- 
uries, no  comforts,  no  Christmas  worth  a  cus,  no  Santa 
Clans,  no  nuthin.  Could  we  lick  the  hand  that  laid  us 
low  ? — nary  time — no,  never.  While  we  was  strugglin  to 
rise  from  out  the  wreck,  to  breathe  the  air  above  us,  to 
take  an  invoice,  and  see  if  there  was  enough  left  to  live 
for,  our  enemies  were  a-shoutin,  "  Hit  him,  kick  him,  mash 
him,  smash  him  ao-in." 

We  were  then  at  the  bottom,  Tammany.  We  didn't 
know  there  was  any  lower  deep,  but  our  enemies  were 
huntin,  and  they  still  are  huntin  some  deeper  pit  to  put  us 
in,  and  some  pendulum  of  Poe  to  swing  and  cut  us.  Well, 
we  ain't  heathens,  we've  been  to  meetin,  we've  seen  mis- 
sionaries, we've  got  churches  and  sermons  and  hymn-books 
and  prayers.  We've  got  pious  old  men  and  women,  and 
brave  boys,  and  maidens  who  are  finished  all  the  way  up 
like  the  corners  of  a  temple.  God  bless  'em,  Tammany, 
particular  them  last,  for  in  connection  with  them  are  cen- 
terd  the  hope  of  posterity,  and  the  joys  of  our  life.     We've 


TO   ME.   TAI^DIANY   HALL.  177 

all  <>-ot  hearts,  old  Tamraany,  and  there's  many  a  good 
Samaritan  among  us  who  wouldn't  pass  you  by  and  go 
over  on  the  other  side.  We've  got  charity,  too,  and  long 
suffering,  and  patience,  and  hope  in  abundance,  though  we 
can't  believe  them  Radicals  will  walk  right  straight  into 
heaven  without  knockin  at  the  door.  That  doctrine  of 
election  is  a  powerful  thing,  Tammany,  but,  as  sure  as  you 
are  born,  it  looks  sorter  unconstitutional  to  us  for  them 
fellers  to  enter  the  celestial  city.  They  may  pass  amend- 
ments enough  to  do  it,  and  I  reckon  that's  why  they  are 
a-tinkerin  at  the  old  document  so  long ;  but  somehow  or 
other,  when  I  hear  one  of  'em  a-dyin,  my  thoughts  natu- 
rally bave  a  downward  tendency.     I  can't  help  it,  Tarn- 

many. 

But,  maybe  we'll  get  over  sich  feelins.     My  wife  says 
we  will  after  ivhile.     We  are  all  right  towards  you,  old 
Hall,  and  our  Legislature  have  been  tryin  for  about  two 
months  to  hannonize  things  generally,  and  any  reasonable 
man  ouo-ht  to  be  satisfied  with  the  efforts  they  have  made. 
But,  we  can't  satisfy  them  Radicals,  I  don't  care  what  we  do. 
We  elected  Mr.  Stevens  and  Herchel  John  sin  to  the  Sen- 
ate, and  they  are  mad  about  that.     They  wanted  Josh  Hill 
and  Jeems  Johnsin  bacaus  they  was  Union.     Well,  now, 
Mr.  Tammany,  it's  better  always  to  take  men  who  have 
done  somethiu  than  men  who  have  done  nothiu.     Mr.  Hill 
delivered  bis  farewell  address  before  he  was  beat,  and  he 
said  he  would  like  to  know  why  we  sing  hosanna  to  Andy 
8* 


178  BILL   AEP. 

Jolinsiii,  wlio  fought  agin  us,  and  yet  we  won't  elect  liim 
who  didn't.  That's  what's  the  matter,  Joshua ;  if  I  may 
be  allowed  to  apostrophize  you,  you  didn't  take  no  side  at 
all.  You  say  you  can  take  the  test  oath  and  git  in.  Well, 
I  don't  see  how,  exactly.  You  run  for  Governor  in  sixty- 
three,  and  you  writ  a  letter  agin  reconstruction,  and  com- 
pared the  old  Union  to  a  porcelain  vase  that  was  hroke^  and 
couldn't  never  be  mended  aoin — no,  never. 

And  don't  you  know  if  you'd  been  elected  you  would 
have  had  to  take  the  oath  of  office,  and  be  sw^ore  to  sup- 
port the  Constitution  of  the  Confederate  States  so  called, 
now  deceased.  But  you  are  smart,  Joshua,  and  it  was 
fmmy  what  you  said  to  the  General  that  night,  when  he 
ax'd  you  if  you  would  have  taken  that  oath.  You  paus'd, 
Joshua,  for  nearly  a  minute.  It  was  a  mighty  tight  ques- 
tion, considerin  the  porcelain  vase  that  was  broke.  I  don't 
blame  you  for  pausin,  my  friend.  Finally,  says  you,  "Well 
— General — I — I — didn't — much — expect — to — be — elect- 
ed." Bully  for  you,  Joshua.  But  now  about  that  see-saw 
bisness  you  spoke  of;  you  said  in  your  speech  that  you  was 
playin  see-saw  in  politics,  and  if  your  end  of  the  j)lank 
went  down  in  Georgy,  it  would  go  up  in  Washington,  by 
which  I  suppose  you  meant  that  you  was  ready  to  swap 
ends  jest  to  suit  your  peculiar  sercumstance ;  and  that's 
what's  the  matter  agin,  Joshua.  You  have  been,  see-sawin 
too  long,  and  changin  ends  too  often.  '  Twasn't  no  time 
to  be  swappin  bosses,  my  friend. 


TO   MK.    TA]SJ3IANY    HALL.  179 

But,  see  here,  Joshua,  Mr.  Marshall  may  be  a  clever  re- 
porter, but  he  treated  you  badly.     He's  left  out  a  heap  of 
your  speech.     lie  ain't  had  printed  that  see-saw  figure  at 
all,  and  it  was,  I  assure  you,  a  most  beautiful  metaphor  of 
speech.     And  he's  left  out  them  little  sparks  of  Southern 
patriotism  which  you  emitted.    Howsomever,  may  be  these 
things  would  have  been  in  the  way  of  the  Washington  end 
of  the  see-saw.     I'll  tell  you,  my  friend,  where  you  wasted 
time  in  your  remarks.     You  said  that,  if  we  didn't  elect 
you  now,   w^e   might   want   you   hereafter,   and  then  we 
couldn't  git  you.     Don't  worry  yourself  on   our  account. 
Don't  cross  the  bridge  before  you  get  to  it.    It  will  be  time 
enough,  Joshua,  for  you  to  refuse  when  we  ask  you.     We 
haven't  been  runnin  you  down  to  give  you  office,  and  we 
ain't  a-goin  to.     Do  you  see-saw  away  on  your  plank,  and 
take  good  care  that  you  don't  fall  off.     Your  speech  was 
sorter  spiteful,  Joshua,  and  if  reduced  to  its  gum  would 
read  about  thus :  "  Boys,  Fm  a  whale,  /  am,  and  I'm  a 
prophet,  and  if  you  don't  elect  me  to  the  Senate,  I'll  go  to 
Washington,  and  give  you  the  devil." 

Well,  we  didn't  elect  him,  Mr.  Tammany,  and  the  devil 
may  come.  In  the  language  of  Patrick  Henry,  "  let  him 
come," — I  repeat  it,  sir,  "  let  him  come."  There  was  an- 
other candidate,  Mr.  Hall,  whose  name  was  Jeems  Johnsin. 
Well,  I  like  Jeems  purty  well.  lie  didn't  run  nobody 
down,  nor  put  on  airs.  I  might  have  voted  for  him,  if  he 
had  lived  in  the  State,  and  I  hadii't  liked  Ilcrehel  better. 


180  BILL   AEP. 

The  tinitli  is,  I  was  partial  to  Jeems  for  his  "  old  lang  syne." 
He  was  a  powerful  war-horse  in  'sixty-one.  How  glorious 
he  fiijured  at  the  Columbus  war  meetinof.  He  encouraojed 
the  boys  amazin,  and  he  beat  anybody  a-getting  volunteers. 
How  proud  we  was  of  him  that  night,  when  he  and  Colo- 
nel Sims  made  friends  on  the  stand,  and  the  Colonel  pind 
a  seceshion  cockade  upon  Jeems'  coat-collar.  He  then  got 
inspired,  and  spoke  for  two  hours  in  words  that  breathed 
of  ditches  and  death,. and  was  full  of  the  spirit  of  '76.  His 
watch-words  were  "  Benning  and  seceshion,"  and  he  voted 
for  'em  both.  Oh  !  he's  a  whale  in  gettin  up  a  war.  Alas ! 
he  were  sic  semper  then,  but  he  are  sic  transit  now.  So 
mote  it  be,  Mr.  Tammany ;  I  couldn't  help  it.  Howsom- 
ever,  it  don't  matter  much,  I  reckon,  for  we've  got  another 
Johnsin,  and  they  are  a  high-roostin  family,  shore. 

Now  you  understand  the  trouble,  Mr.  Tammany,  about 
this  election.  "We  was  huntin  for  two  full-blooded  Union 
men,  who  could  find  their  way  to  Washington  and  back 
without  a  way-bill,  and  we  couldn't  find  'em.  •  They  ain't 
in  the  State,  I  tell  you.  So  we  fell  back  upon  the  old  land 
marks,  we  are  ridin  the  old  wagin  bosses,  and  our  opinion 
is,  that  Andy  w^on't  raise  any  row  in  particular  about  it. 
If  he  does  J  we  don't  care  a  darn. 

Yours  truly, 

BILL  ARP. 

P.  S. — I'm  gittin  to  be  highly  loyal,  Mr.  Hall ;  I  know 


CASABIANCA. 


p.  100. 


TO   MR.   TAMMANY   HALL.  181 

I  am  ;  for  a  feller  tried  to  sell  me  a  little  nigger  to-day,  and 
I  wouldnH  buy  him.  I  heard  of  a  bill  that's  comiu  up  to 
bind  out  the  niggers  for  99  years,  and  I'm  agin  it.  Darnd 
if  I'll  vote  for  more  than  50.  You  can  tell  Thad.  Stevens 
of  these  hopeful  sig-ns. 

B.  A. 


ROMANCE  OF  THE  WAR— A  TRUE 

STORY. 

Colonel  B.  was  my  beau-ideal  of  a  noble  and  gallant 
officer.  Thanks  to  tbe  good  Lord  for  his  life,  for  it  was 
an  unexpected  boon.  We  never  thought  he  would  go 
throuo-h  safe,  and  we  listened  to  hear  of  his  death  or 
looked  to  see  him  fall  in  every  battle.  Wounded  when  a 
Lieutenant,  when  a  Captain,  when  a  Major,  he  finally 
had  a  Minie  ball  put  through  his  head  the  day  after  he  re- 
ceived his  promotion  as  Colonel.  My  heart  sunk  down 
— all  hearts  sunk  down — for  we  felt  that  the  long-expected 
blow  had  come.  We  carried  him  to  the  rear  and  laid 
him  upon  the  grass.  The  ball  entered  on  the  side  of 
his  face  between  the  eye  and  ear,  coming  out  on  the  op- 
posite side  in  the  same  relative  position.  We  thought  he 
would  soon  leave  us  and  be  mingling  with  the  spirits  of 
other  heroes  in  the  unknown  land,  but  the  surgeon 
assured  us  the  wound  was  not  necessarily  mortal,  and  we 
sent  runners  in  search  of  an  ambulance  and  a  habitation. 


ROMANCE   OF   THE   WAK.  183 

They  soon  returned  successful  in  the  search,  and  wq  re- 
moved him  a  few  miles  distant,  to  the  house  of  a  widow 
who  seemed  anxious  to  do  somcthins:  for  sufferino-  human- 
ity.  Leaving  the  surgeon  with  him  until  morning,  we 
returned  to  the  regiment,  and  were  soon  hurried  off  in 
forced  marches  to  complete  the  dear-bought  victory. 

Months  rolled  on,  and  we  heard  nothing  of  our  Colonel. 
The  war  closed,  and  on  my  return  to  Charlottesville  I  heard 
that  he  had  recovered  and  gone  to  his  home  in  Georgia, 
but  had  enterely  lost  his  sight.  Blind!  blind! — alas,  I 
cannot  say  that  I  would  have  felt  sadder  to  have  heard  of 
his  death.  So  young,  so  handsome,  so  hopeful,  must  he 
grope  in  darkness  for  long  and  weary  years,  be  led  by  the 
hand  from  place  to  place,  and  never  again  see  the  glad 
faces,  the  sunlit  eyes  of  those  he  loves  ? 

In  the  fall  of  last  year  I  had  occasion  to  visit  New  Or- 
leans upon  business.  On  my  return  I  came  through  Geor- 
gia, and  kp owing  my  friend  had  formerly  lived  near  the 
city  of  M.,  I  made  inquiry  concerning  him,  and  learned 
that  he  was  living  with  his  mother,  a  few  miles  from  the 
city.  On  arriving  at  the  hotel  I  ordered  a  conveyance, 
and  when  the  driver  learned  my  destination  he  told  mo 
that  the  Colonel  was  in  the  city  with  his  own  carriao-e 
and  it  would  be  driven  to  the  hotel  in  a  few  minutes. 
Our  meeting  was  a  glorious  one,  especially  to  me,  for  I 
had  so  long  thought  of  him  as  blind,  that  I  felt,  as  I 
looked  into  his  living,  beaming  eyes,  as  though  he  had  just 


184  BILL   AEP. 

risen  from  the    dead.     He  was  surprised  that  I  had  not 
heard  from  him. 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  I  have  been  blind,  totally  blind.  For 
nearly  three  long  months  I  never  saw  even  the  light  of 
day.  The  inflammation  which  proceeded  jfrom  my  wound 
affected  the  optic  nerves,  and  gave  me  immeasurable  pain 
and  suffering.  I  remained,  where  you  left  me,  for  several 
weeks,  and  was  tenderly  and  kindly  nursed.  When  able 
to  travel  I  telegraphed  to  a  friend  in  Augusta,  who  came 
on  at  once  and  attended  me  home.  But  it  is  all  over  now, 
and  I  thank  our  good  Father  for  both  life  and  light.  I  had 
bargained  Avith  Fate  to  lose  the  latter  in  battle — to  be  man- 
gled or  crippled — but  I  had  not  bargained  for  perpetual 
blindness.  I  had  never  thought  of  it,  and  the  reality 
when  it  came,  I  assure  you,  was  terrible.  I  was  greatly 
depressed  and  humiliated,  but  the  misfortune  has  proved 
an  inestimable  blessing,  for  out  of  the  darkness  there  came 
alight  which  I  had  never  before  seen — the  light  of  depend- 
ence upon  our  Creator — the  light  of  Christian  love.  I 
believe  if  the  world  was  blind,  they  would  soon  learn  to 
see  into  their  own  hearts.  Did  you  ever  know  a  blind 
man,  George,  who  was  an  infidel  or  an  atheist,  or  one  who 
was  even  profane  or  wicked  ? 

"  I  cannot  recall  one  just  now,"  said  T ;  "  but  is  it  not 
equally  true  of  all  misfortunes?  Do  tliey  not  universally 
lead  us  to  self-contemplation  and  self-distrust  ?  " 

"  In  a  great  measure,"  replied  the  Colonel,  "  but  never  so 


ROMANCE   OF   THE   WAK.  185 

mueli  or  so  effectual  as  blindness !  Oh,  wliat  a  blessed 
thing  is  sight!  How  httle  prized  by  those  who  never 
knew  its  loss !  Even  to  be  deprived  of  it  for  a  season  is 
more  effectual  for  good  than  all  the  teachings  and  prayers 
of  friends  or  ministers.  It  is  a  perpetual  reminder  of  our 
utter  dependence  upon  a  Superior  Power.  As  it  is  the 
most  valued  of  all  our  faculties,  so  its  loss  is  the  most  im- 
pressive. Lost  property  can  be  regained,  lost  limbs  sup- 
pHed,  lost  health  restored.  And  yet  with  the  loss  of  all 
these,  the  eye,  unclouded  and  bright,  dallies  and  toys  with 
the  beautiful  world.  It  rests  only  in  sleep,  to  open  again 
with  the  dawn,  and  feast  upon  the  luxuries  of  art  and  na- 
ture, charm  itself  with  the  faces  of  relatives  and  friends,  to 
catch  from  the  eye  of  others  the  inspiration  of  love  and 
gladness,  or  by  reading,  to  drink  into  the  soul  the  thoughts 
and  feelino-s  of  others.  No,  Georj^e,  the  loss  of  sio^ht  has 
no  compensation  in  this  Hfe.  As  you  say,  however,  all 
afflictions  are  but  blessings  in  disguise,  and  their  natural 
tendency  is  to  draw  us  heavenward.  Humiliating  and  sad 
is  this  frailty  of  the  heart — this  forgetfulness  of  the 
Creator  when  He  is  showering  upon  us  every  thing  that  we 
need,  and  the  remembrance  of  Ilim  when  he  takes  it 
away.  Such  is,  however,  the  result  of  experience  and  ob- 
servation, and  it  was  a  foolish  error  in  the  wife  of  Job  to 
have  expected  her  husband  to  curse  God  and  die,  be- 
cause of  his  afflictions." 

When    we    arrived  at  his  mother's  residence,  I   was 


186  BILL    ARP. 

struck  ^itli  the  beauty  and  taste  of  all  its  surroundings. 
The  dwelling  was  a  Southern  cottage,  set  like  a  jewel  in 
evergreens  and  shade,  and  every  thing  betokened  simplicity 
and  elegance.  We  sat  down  in  the  spacious  veranda,  the 
Colonel  remarking  that  the  ladies  had  gone  visiting,  and 
we  could  enjoy  ourselves  until  their  return  in  rehearsing 
over  Virginia  scenes  and  campaigns. 

"  Well,  tell  me,  Colonel,"  said  I,  "  how  you  got  along 
after  we  left  you  at  Mrs.  May's.  Did  you  find  good  nurses 
and  attention  there  ? " 

"The  best  in  the  world,  George — I  will  tell  you  all 
about  it,  for  it  is  a  story  1  dearly  love  to  recaU.  For  a  few 
days  after  you  left  me  I  was  almost  entirely  unconscious  of 
eveiy  thing.  As  my  perceptions  returned,  my  eyesight 
gTcw  dim,  and  in  a  short  time  I  was  totally  blind.  An 
old  man  who  had  been  a  physician  in  his  youth,  lived  near 
by,  and  after  the  surgeon  left  me,  he  came  over  twice  a 
day  to  see  me  and  minister  to  my  wants.  My  chief  attend- 
ants were  Mrs.  May  and  her  daughter  Fanny.  I  never 
saw  either  of  them  to  remember  them  while  I  remained 
there,  but  I  knew  them  well  by  their  voices,  their  walk, 
yes,  even  their  touch.  Frequently  they  would  noiselessly 
change  the  towel  on  my  temples,  when  I  seemed  asleep, 
and  strange  as  it  may  seem,  although  both  were  as  gentle 
and  kind  as  it  were  possible  to  be,  yet  I  could  tell  instant- 
Iv  which  one  was  bathing  my  burning  eyes  or  dressing 
the  suppurating  wound.     I  am   not  altogether   a  convert 


ROMANCE   OF   THE   WAK.  187 

to  spiritualism  George,  but  I  tell  you  there  is  an  inner 
sight,  an  instinct,  an  intuition  which  is  a  sphitual  sense. 
What  do  you  think  of  it?" 

"  I  think  there  is,"  said  I,  "  and  his  name  is  Cupid. 
You  were  in  love  with  Miss  Fanny,  and  I  have  no 
doubt  imagined  her  hovering  over  you  like  an  angel 
many  a  time  when  it  was  her  mother." 

"You  are  an  incurable  unbeliever,  George,"  rephed 
the  Colonel;  "but  I  will  not  argue  with  you.  As  I 
slowly  recovered  from  the  partial  concussion  of  my  brain, 
I  began  to  converse  with  my  unknown  friends,  and  tried 
to  learn  something  of  their  history.  In  this  I  did  not 
succeed.  The  very  failure  increased  my  interest  in  them, 
and,  as  I  acquired  strength  and  the  power  of  thought,  I 
found  myself  unconsciously  rejoicing  when  it  chanced  to  bo 
Miss  Fanny  who  was  waiting  upon  me.  They  were  ladies 
of  refinement  and  education,  and  the  old  Doctor  congratu- 
lated me  more  than  once  on  falling  into  their  hands. 
'  They  were  raised  in  luxury,  sir,'  said  he, '  but  the  old  man 
died  out  of  it.  He  failed,  sir.  He  was  too  generous — 
his  heart  was  too  big,  and  the  loss  of  his  foi-tune  killed 
him.  But  his  widow  is  a  lady,  sir,  a  noble  lady  ;  and  Miss 
Fanny  is  worth  a  million,  a  whole  milhon,  money  or  no 
money.  If  you  could  see  her  you'd  think  so.'  This  speech 
of  the  Doctor  did  not  lessen  my  interest,  and  I  almost  re- 
gretted that  I  had  telegraphed  my  friend  to  come  after  me. 

"  The  day  before  he  came,  I  ventured  to  ask  Miss  Fanny 


188  BILL    AEP. 

if  slie  did  not  have  a  brother,  for  I  remembered  a  remark 
of  the  Doctor  iu  which  he  alluded  to  him.  She  answered 
with  much  emotion,  '  I  had,  sir,  but  he  is  dead,  he  was 
killed  at  Manassas.'  I  felt  the  quivering  of  her  heart  in 
the  very  pressure  of  her  hand  upon  the  bandage.  Instinc- 
tively I  placed  my  hand  upon  hers,  while  the  most  tender 
sympathy  filled  my  whole  soul.  She  did  not  remove  it 
until,  overcome  with  sad  memories,  she  left  the  room. 

"  George,  my  friend,  I  assure  you  that  I  felt  inexpressibly 
sad  when  I  had  to  leave  them.  I  bade  the  mother  an  affec- 
tionate adieu,  and  ventured  to  raise  Miss  Fanny's  hand  to 
my  lips.  I  thought  her  almost  inaudible  *  God  bless  you' 
had  the  tone  and  tenderness  of  somethiuo;  more  than  ordi- 
nary  regret  at  my  departure;  I  did  not  kno\v  that  I  loved 
the  g-irl  until  I  had  gone,  and  it  seemed  to  me  that  my  love 
grew  stronger  with  every  mile  that  separated  us.  But  I 
will  pass  over  that.  When  I  reached  home,  my  physician 
kept  me  confined  to  a  dark  room  for  a  fortnight.  One 
morning  he  ventm-ed  to  remove  the  bandage  from  my 
eyes,  and  to  my  joy  and  surprise  I  saw  him  before  me  as 
in  a  mist.  A  month  more,  and  my  sight  was  pronounced 
perfectly  restored,  and  the  first  use  I  made  of  it  was  to  write 
Miss  Fanny  a  letter — a  love-letter,  such  a  one  as  I  had 
never  before  written,  nor  ever  expected  to  write.  She  has 
returned  it  to  me,  and  just  for  amusement  I  will  get  it  and 
read  it  to  you.  If  you  ever  find  yourself  in  a  similar  situ- 
ation, I  win  let  you  have  a  copy." 


ROMANCE   OF   THE   WAE.  189 

What  does  all  this  mean,  thought  I,  as  the  Colonel  went 
in  for  the  letter  ?  If  she  returned  the  letter,  she  must  have 
declined  him.  Loved  another,  I  suspect ;  but  then,  he  is 
even  now  perfectly  enraptured  over  her. 

In  a  moment  he  returned,  and  seating  himself  beside 
me,  he  read  the  following  : 

"  I  am  no  longer  blind,  dear  lady,  and  I  imagine  that  you 
and  your  kind  mother  are  both  surprised  and  pleased  at 
the  announcement.  Sincerely  grateful  to  Ixoth  Heaven  and 
you,  I  feel  it  a  sacred  duty  to  devote  the  first  moments  of 
my  recovered  sight  to  penning  with  my  own  hand  some- 
thing that  will  express  my  esteem  to  those  who  were  to  me 
a  mother  and  sister  during  the  greatest  trial  and  suffering 
of  mv  life  The  merest  accident  made  me  an  inmate  of 
your  house,  a  recipient  of  your  tender  charity.  While 
partially  unconscious  of  every  thing  around  me,  I  imagine 
that  I  was  childish  and  troublesome,  and  gave  you  much 
inconvenience  and  perplexing  care.  WT^en  my  reason  was 
restored,  I  was  still  hopeless,  for  I  was  blind.  In  those 
dark  days  your  words  of  kindness  lifted  from  me  a  weight 
of  both  mental  and  physical  sufi'ering,  your  voice  touched 
me  like  music  touches  the  grieved  spirit.  I  imagined  that 
I  could  see  the  sweet  face,  the  sunny  smile,  and  even  now 
T  have  in  my  fancy  two  pictures  that,  were  I  an  artist,  I 
could  paint  to  the  life,  and  feast  my  eyes  and  heart  upon 
the  canvas. 

"  But  I  will  not  oppress  you  with  gratitude — refinement 


190  BILL    ARP. 

and  virtue  know  foil  well  wlien  it  is  felt,  and  tenderly 
appreciate  it,  but  its  lavish  expression  is  most  singularly 
painful.  I  will  refrain  from  it,  Miss  Fanny,  but  you  must 
allow  me  to  say  something  about  another  sentiment  that 
has  been  my  constant  hope  and  comfort  since  I  left  you.  I 
hardly  knew  then  that  my  esteem  and  gratitude  had 
blended  into  love.  Do  not  be  shocked,  dear  lady,  but  ac- 
cept as  tnie  the  soft  confession.  It  is  the  truth — the 
earnest  tmth.  I  write  it  with  dehberation,  with  compos- 
ure, with  courage — I  love  to  write  it,  to  think  it,  to  dream 
it.  In  truth,  I  have  been  of  late  living  a  dreamer's  life. 
With  eye  in  utter  darkness,  it  was  sometimes  difficult  to 
tell  whether  I  were  asleep  or  awake,  and  in  those  waking 
moments  I  ever  found  myself  'dreaming  of  thee,'  my 
spirit  was  polarized,  and  the  magnet  was  where  I  left  you. 
Continually,  continually  have  I  been  drawn  by  some  deli- 
cious influence  to  the  hour,  the  moment,  wdien  I  placed 
your  hand  to  my  lips  and  heard  you  say,  '  God  bless  you ! ' 
This  is  not  love  on  sight.  Miss  Fanny,  for  I  have  not  yet 
seen  you,  but  nevertheless  I  love  you  dearly,  and  I  would 
proudly  and  fondly  give  you  the  homage  and  protection  of 
a  heart  that  has  never  sported  with  a  woman's  love.  You 
will  write  me.  Miss  Fanny,  I  know  you  w^ill  write  me  can- 
didly, frankly.  I  shall  live  trembling  with  uncertain  but 
delightful  hopes  until  I  receive  your  letter ;  for  although 
your  heart  may  have  already  twined  around  some  one  of 
whom  I  have  not  heard — some  manly  soldier,  some  trcas- 


ROMANCE   OF   THE    WAli.  191 

ure  of  your  heart,  yet  I  will  not  believe  it.  It  surely  can- 
not be,  that  after  suffering  the  perils  and  escapes  of  many 
battles,  after  the  loss  of  my  country's  liberty,  after  all  that 
is  worth  living  for,  except  love,  is  gone,  that  I  have  survived 
the  wreck  to  feel  my  own  heart  shattered  with  disappoint- 
ment. I  will  not  believe  it  yet.  Write  to  me,  dear  Fanny, 
write  to  me,  for  I  am  now  nothing  but  Cupid's  culprit, 
convicted,  condemned,  and  none  but  you  can  lift  me  up. 
Write  to  me,  dear  lady,  and  if  you  have  regard  for  your 
patient,  do  let  him  see  you — your  shadow,  your  photo- 
graph. I  know  you  would  not  be  cruel  because  he  was 
blind.  He  could  not  see  the  substance  then — do  not 
refuse  him  the  shadow  now.  In  any  event,  I  shall  expect 
that  much. 

"  A  hundred  times'  love  for  your  mother,  and  ten  thou- 
sand for  yourself.  I  cannot  write  more  now,  for  my  new 
eyes  are  aching.  When  you  reply,  tell  me  every  thing, 
your  joys,  your  sorrows,  your  past  history.  An  autobiog- 
raphy in  outline  is  what  I  want. 

"  Yours,  forever,  I  hope. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  that,  George,  coming  from  a 
soldier,  a  veteran  who  has  marched  up  to  batteries  and 
bullets,  who  has  looked  death  in  the  face  and  never  winked 
an  eye  ?     What  do  you  think  of  that  ?  " 

"Weakness,  amazing  weakness.  Colonel,  but  what  made 
her  return  it  ?     Did  you  lose  her  and  live  ?  " 


192  BILL   AEP, 

"  Lose  her,  George !  Lose  lier !  Why,  don't  you  know 
nothino;;  have  vou  not  heard?  Let  me  read  you  her 
reply,  and  you  can  guess  the  balance.  But,  George,  my 
friend,  my  old  companion  in  arms,  all  this  is  confidential — 
it's  sacred — I  will  trust  you  on  the  honor  of  a  soldier. 

"  Miss  Fanny  says  : 

"  Col.  B :  In  answering  your  letter,  I  presume  your 

desires  to  be  expressed  in  good  faith,  and  to  emanate  from 
a  sincere  and  brave  soldier.  I  do  so  honor  the  brave  who 
have  perilled  their  lives  upon  the  field  of  battle,  that  no 
suspicion  of  hypocrisy  or  deceit  finds  rest  in  my  bosom  in 
relation  to  the  writer  of  such  a  fi'ank  and  manly  letter,  and 
therefore  I  mate  bold  to  lay  aside  my  reluctance  to  comply 
with  your  request,  and  now  send  you  a  brief  and  true  his- 
tory of  myself.  Nature  and  Nature's  God  incline  me  to 
seek  an  alliance  with  a  congenial  spirit,  and  there  is  no 
bright  prospect  in  the  future  that  would  make  a  single  life 
a  life  of  blessedness  to  me.  Therefore  a  candid  exchange 
of  our  sentiments  may  possibly  result  in  a  future  and  happy 
union ;  but  should  it  result  in  nothing,  I  feel  that  my 
maiden  modesty  will  not  be  violated  or  my  confidence 
abused  by  him  to  whom  I  now  trust  the  following  few 
pages. 

"  Neither  poetry  nor  romance  form  any  part  of  my  un- 
eventfal  life.  In  most  respects  I  am,  and  have  been,  as 
many  other  females  who  live  and  love  and  pass  away  with- 


ROMANCE   OF  THE   WAE.  193 

out  being*  known  or  heard  of  beyond  tbe  narrow  limits  of 
tlieir  humble  neighborhood.  I  have  thus  lived  a  simple 
and  natural  hfe,  saving  that  perhaps  I  have  shed  a  few  more 
tears  of  sadness  than  was  my  share,  and  sooner  have  dis- 
persed them  as  often  as  I  reflect  how  much  I  have  to  be 
thankful  for  that  others  I  know  have  not. 

"  My  father  is  long  since  dead.     He  sleeps  well  where  we 
have  laid  him  by  the  cedar-tree  in  the  garden ;  for  we  chose 
to  bury  him  where   careless  voices  would  not  disturb  his 
rest,  nor  careless  hands  pluck  the  flowers  from  his  grave. 
My  grandfather  was  wealthy  and  extravagant.     From  many 
incidents  and  accidents  which  make  up  life,  his  wealth  took 
wings  and  flew  away,  but  not  until  I  had  acquired  a  fair 
and  liberal  education.     Since  the  decay  of  his  prosperity 
our  misfortunes  have  come  thick  and  fast.     Passing  yeai*s 
have  worked  manv  chano;es  of  condition,  and  even  the 
overseer  of  my  grandfather's  slaves  has  so  greatly  prospered 
as  now  to  boast  of  his  plantations,  and  his  pretty  daugh- 
ters with  whom  I  gayly  frohcked  in  the  shady  grove  now 
honor  me  with  a  distant  bow.     Not  for  envy  do  I  mention 
such  things  as  these,  for  they  are  not  heartless  girls,  and 
would  freely  help  me  were  I  in  actual  want.     They  only  feel 
the  distance  that  wealth  sometimes  creates.     They  move 
in  a  difl'erent  sphere,  and  have  many,  many  things  and 
fashionable  cares  to  absorb  their  attention  and  beget  an  in- 
difference to  poverty. 

"  Such  changes,  I  have  often  thought,  are  the  parents  of 
9 


194  BILL    ARP. 

philosophy  and  reflection,  and  therefore  prove  eminently 
useful  to  society  and  virtue.     If  we  look  at  life  by  genera- 
tions, it  is  but  the  see -saw  that  children  play,  and  there  is 
scarcely  a  family  in  our  land  who  cannot  illustrate,  in  either 
its  ancestry  or  itself,  the  ups  and  downs,  the  grandeur  and 
humility,  the  wealth  and  poverty  that  time  is  ever  alternat- 
ino-.     Therefore,  I  am  neither  covetous  nor  touched  with 
envy,  though  very  humble  is  my  lot ;  for  it  may  change 
before  I  die.     Indeed,  I  know  it  will,  if  this  our  correspond- 
ence should  ever  make  me  the  wife  of   a    manly  youth 
who  would  take  me  as  his  Gene-vneve,  his  bright  and  trust- 
ing bride.     No  lay  of  Eastern  minstrels,  no  tender  song  of 
gentle  sorrow,  will  he  have  to  sing  to  win  me,  for  my  own 
sad  sons:  is  sad  enouo-h  to  move  me  to  the  shelter  of  his 
manly  bosom. 

"  Before  this  unhappy  war,  I  had  a  brother  so  dear  and 
kind  that,  had  he  lived,  would  have  told  me  how  T  should 
write,  and  what  I  should  say  in  this  unmaidenly  letter,  for 
he  would  have  loved  and  protected  me  all  through  the 
bright  and  the  weary  days  of  my  life.  His  manly  form 
has  been  for  many  months  mouldering  in  a  soldier's  shal- 
low grave,  and  the  same  brave  troops  fought  over  him  at 
the  second  battle  of  Manassas  that  fought  with  him  at  the 
first.  Oh,  how  we  loved  him,  and  how  we  love  him  yet ! 
The  nio-ht  after  he  fell  I  dreamed  I  heard  him  call,  and  saw 
him  beckon  to  me  from  out  the  spirit-land.  My  dream 
was  like  a  prophet's  vison,  and  the  sad  news,  when  it  came, 


ROMANCE   OF   THE    WAR.  195 

only  confirmed  my  trembling  fears.     Since  that  dark  hour, 
T  have  loved  to  sing  : 

'  Call  on,  dear  Will ;  no  sound  of  lute  or  lyre — 
No  prayer  of  minister,  or  tale  of  heavenly  joys, 
No  rich  reward  to  which  the  good  aspire, 

Can  call  me  heavenward  like  thy  gentle  voice. 

'  Then  call  me  oft,  nor  let  the  year  go  round    ' 

Without  a  daily  beckon  from  thine  angel  hand ; 
A  sister's  memory  still  loves  the  sound 
That  bids  her  join  thee  in  the  spirit-land.' 

"  My  dear  mother  and  I  now  live  alone,  all  alone  ;  and 
when  I  think  that  passing  years  will  soon  alas !  too  soon 
remove  her  from  me,  and  that  before  many  more  seasons 
shall  come  and  go,  I  shall  be  like  a  lonely  leaf,  trembling 
upon  its  stem,  a  fawn  of  the  forest  whose  dam  will  never 
return,  I  feel  sad  and  sorrowful,  and  involuntarily  sing  the 
sweet  and  plaintive  ballad  of  '  Blue-eyed  Mary.'  At  such 
times  I  have  wished  to  twine  like  a  helpless  vine  around 
some  brave,  good  heart,  some  ideal  of  my  wandering  fancv, 
some  real  personation  of  my  dreams,  who  would  not  here- 
after blame  me  for  imao-inina;  that  I  love  him  now.  And 
could  I  not  love  him,  and  Avould  I  not,  and  shall  not  my 
heart  feel  glad,  that  one  from  whom  I  had  no  expectations, 
and  whose  sealed  eyes  had  never  looked  into  my  own, 
should  remember  me  with  such  eaniest  expression  of  his 
love,  and   must   I  conceal    from   him  the  kindling  hopes 


196  BILL    AEP. 

which  burn  and  glow  as  I  thinh:  of  the  dark  and  lonely 
future  ? 

"  One  day  when  you  ashed  me  of  my  brother,  and 
placed  your  hand  upon  mine,  I  felt  in  my  heart  that  your 
friendship  and  my  sympathy  was  sincere,  and  that  you 
were  sad  because  of  my  grief.  Even  then,  1  had  a  shad- 
owy hope  that  you  might  love  me,  but  it  soon  vanished, 
and  I  thought  no  more  of  it  until  you  said  good-bye.  You 
then  revived  m)"  lingering  suspicions,  and  since  your  de- 
parture, I  confess  to  have  thought  of  you  often,  very  often, 
and  waited  for  something,  I  know  not  what.  Love,  at 
sight,  is  not  a  weakness  of  my  nature,  but  many  a  time, 
while  you  were  our  patient,  I  felt  that  it  would  be  an  easy 
thing  for  me  to  love  you  if  I  dared.  But  I  steeled  my 
heart  against  false  hopes,  and  so  you  must  not  be  surprised 
that  I  be  easily  won. 

"  But  what  shall  I  tell  you  of  myself,  and  can  I  write 
the  truth  without  suspicion  of  self-praise  ?  and  should  I 
write  less,  T  would  not  be  truly  answering  the  inquiries  of 
your  letter. 

"One  more  year,  and  the  spring  flowers  will  have 
bloomed  a  score  of  times  since  I  was  christened  as  Fanny 
May.  Until  my  fourteenth  year,  I  lived  and  laughed  as  other 
merry  o-irls  who  know  no  want  and  are  driven  to  no  neces- 
sity.  With  them  I  built  my  play-houses,  and  decked  them 
with  the  broken  china,  climbed  the  low  wood-shed,  swung 
from  the  drooping  branches  of  the  trees,  made  pyramids 


KOMANCE   OF   THE   WAK.  197 

in  the  sand,  and  picked   berries  on  the  road  to  school. 
Evenly  and  quietly  I  moved  along  in  my  studies,   and 
thanks  to  a  faithful  teacher,  and  to  a  mother  ever  watchful, 
I  acquired  a  love  of  study,  and  a  taste  for  reading  the 
choice  library  which  was  retained  from  the  wreck  of  my 
father's  fortune.     When  brought  to  the  sad  reality  of  our 
loss,  I  cheerfully  began  my  household  duties,  and  still  con- 
tinue as  the  maid  of  domestic  Avork.     No  branch  of  such 
employment  is  now  unknown  to  me,  nor  unwelcome  to  be 
performed  for  those  I  love.     Sometimes  we  have  a  visitor, 
and  then  it  does  not  take  me  long  to  make  my  toilet  and 
receive  the  honored  guest,  for  unlike  the  fair  children  of 
wealth,  I  do  not  have  to  study  long  the  lights  and  shad- 
ows of  many  robes  before  I  decide  what  apparel  will  best 
suit  the  company  and  the  occasion.     My  father  has  often 
told  me  that  men  were  the  better  judges  of  what  a  woman's 
manners  should  be  to  plese  his  sex,  and  taught  me  to  be 
ever  natural  in  my  conduct  and  conversation,  and  never 
diso-uise  the  truth.     So  I  do  not  feel  mortified  when  seen 
carrying  water  from  the  spring,  or  planting  the  garden,  or 
trimming  the  cedar  hedge.     Our  wants  are  few,  for  it  takes 
but  little  to  support  two  lonely  and  humble  females  who- 
cannot  aspire  to  imitate  the  great.     Until  my  brother's 
death,  the  profits  from  a  small  amount  of  bank  stock  were 
sufficient  for  our  support,  and  the  proceeds  of  his  labor 
brought  us  many  comforts,  which  now  we  cannot  aff'ord. 
But  sufficient  unto  the  day  is  the  evil  thereof,  and  we  have 


198  BILL    AEP. 

never  suffered  or  feared,  nor  will  the  promise  made  to  the 
widow  and  the  orphan  be  forgotten  or  unfulfilled. 

"  Thus  much  have  I  written  as  the  outhne  of  my  life. 
My  aspirations  have  been  few,  but  my  hopes  are  strong 
and  earnest.  An  ever-welcome  fiiend  has  proposed  to  se- 
cure me  a  situation  as  a  teacher  in  a  neighboring  village, 
but  it  is  too  far  for  a  daily  walk,  and  I  cannot  bear  to  be 
separated  from  my  home  and  mother,  and  my  father's 
much-loved  grave ;  and  now,  as  I  write  to  you,  and  try  to 
feel  altogether  unselfish,  and  dream  of  happiness  to  come, 
and  ever-living  faith  in  him  to  whom  I  could  trust  my 
honor  and  my  life,  I  am  compelled  to  say  that  he  who 
chooses  me  must  choose  my  dear  fond  mother  with  me, 
during  her  pilgrimage  on  earth.  No  other  condition  do 
I  impose,  no  other  boon  shall  I  presume  to  ask. 

"  You  ask  me  for  my  photograph ;  I  am  sorry  I  have 
none.  I  have  a  miniature,  but  it  is  not  like  me  now.  I 
will  send  you  my  shadow  so  soon  as  it  can  be  procured, 
and  until  then,  for  your  edification,  I  will  describe  myself 
to  you  as  a  substitute  for  the  picture.  But  I  do  not  know 
that  I  ought  to  send  you  any  thing,  for  it  occurs  to  me  that 
if  you  are  so  ardently  in  love,  you  will  soon,  very  soon 
come  here  and  claim  the  substance.  After  you  have  seen 
me,  you  would  not  need  a  photograph,  for  if  I  pleased  you, 
would  you  not  have  a  shadow  on  the  brain  ?  But  to  begin, 
excuse  me  for  saying  that  my  mother  thinks  me  fair, 
and  my  fond  brother  often  called  me  good  and  pretty.      I 


ROMANCE   OF   THE   WAE.  199 

am  not  an  angel  nor  a  peri  of  a  poet's  paradise  ;  but  who 
does  not  wish  to  be  beautiful  and  to  be  thought  so  by  the 
world,  and  is  it  wrong  to  feel  such  innocent  ambition  ?  The 
mirror  that  flatters  our  features  is  ever  the  most  highly- 
prized,  and  it  is  a  universal  pleasure  to  receive  the  delicate 
flattery  of  our  friends.  How  well  do  I  remember  with  what 
trembling  inquiry  I  once  asked  my  ever- candid  mother  if 
I  was  really  beautiful,  as  my  fond  brother  said,  when  he 
would  stroke  my  hair,  and  press  my  cheek  to  his  ?  How 
surprised  she  seemed,  and  started,  for  fear  I  was  nursing 
vanity,  and  how  tenderly  reproachful  was  her  voice  when 
she  replied,  *  Fanny,  you  look  well  enough,  but  you  are 
not  beautiful.  You  are  not  grown,  nor  your  form  and  feat- 
ures rounded  as  they  will  be,  but  you  will  be  beautiful 
if  you  are  good.' 

"  Now  I  am  grown  and  in  the  bloom  of  perfect  health ; 
still  I  can  pass  along  and  dazzle  no  one,  nor  rob  one  soul 
of  rest,  nor  scarce  attract  a  moment's  gaze  of  those  I  meet. 
With  humble  and  unattractive  dress  I  cheerfully  perform 
my  duties,  and  no  '  valenciennes,'  nor  '  point,'  nor  '  hon- 
iton,'  nor  flounce,  nor  frill,  nor  sweeping  trail,  nor  glitter- 
ing jewels  assist  the  eye  to  see  the  charms,  if  any,  that  I 
have.  Sometimes  I  am  vain  enough  to  think  that  should 
the  blessing  of  wealth  be  added  to  my  lot,  some  of  those 
who  know  me  now  might  wonder  that  the  flower  of  the 
forest  could  bloom  so  fair  for  being  transplanted  to  a  richer 
soil. 


200  BILL    ABF. 

"But  I  cannot  be  so  vainly  personal.  Let  me  finish  by 
using  the  third  person,  and  say  I  know  a  lady  whose  com- 
plexion once  was  fair  but  now  has  that  shade  of  brunette 
which  constant  exercise  has  delicately  painted  there,  almost 
hiding  the  blue  veins  of  her  temples.  Her  hair  is  dark, 
her  eyes  are  hazel,  secreting  behind  them  full  chalices  of 
tears  that  well  up  to  the  surface  too  often  and  too  easy,  but 
then  there  are  many  smiles  lurking  near  which  are  quick, 
very  quick,  to  come  forth  and  chase  the  tears  back  to  their 
hidden  fountains.  Her  voice  has  something  of  melody  and 
tune,  though  she  is  no  nightingale,  and  her  form  something 
of  symmetry,  though  no  model  for  an  Italian  sculptor. 
Her  features  are  neither  remarkable  nor  peculiar,  but  form 
a  face  of  some  expression,  rather  pleasant  than  otherwise, 
and  might  improve  by  reflection  from  the  looks  of  one  who 
would  love  her  and  listen  whDe  she  sang  '  Am  I  not  fondly 
thine  own  ? '  Tliis  lady  cannot  enrapture  any  one  with 
sweet  and  swelling  notes  upon  the  harp  or  the  piano,  for 
the  lessons  that  she  easily  learned  have  faded  from  her 
memory.  She  cannot  dance,  though  her  steps  are  quick 
and  free.  Indeed,  there  are  many  things  she  cannot  do 
that  others  might,  but  for  all  such  womanly  defects  she  can 
the  better  love,  honor,  and  obey  a  true  and  noble  man. 

"  This  is  all,  dear  sir,  and  enough,  T  fear,  to  make  you 
doubt  my  maiden  modesty.  I  feel  already  that  I  ouo-ht 
not  to  have  wi'itten  it,  but  still  my  pen  has  followed  my 


EOMANCE   OF   THE    WAR.  201 

thoughts,  and  my  thoughts  were  provoked  by  a  desire  to 
please  you,  you,  only  you. 

"  My  mother  sends  her  love,  and  both  of  us  our  thankful 
rejoicings  that  you  have  been  fully  restored  to  light  and 
life. 

"  I  am  yours  forever,  if — if — if — it  is  my  destiny. 

"  FANNY." 

"  "What  do  you  think  of  that,  George  ?  Do  you  aspire 
to  ever  be  happy  enough  to  get  such  a  letter  ? " 

"  I  do  not,"  said  I ;  "  but  bachelor  as  I  am,  and  until  now 
casemated  against  the  charms  of  the  sex,  I  would  have 
married  that  girl.     A^Tiere  is  she,  Colonel  ?  " 

The  rustling  of  dressess  announced  the  approach  of 
females  through  the  hall.  They  had  returned  the  back 
way  and  the  Colonel  met  them  at  the  door  of  the  veranda, 
and,  with  face  all  glowing  with  delight,  introduced  me  to 
his  wife  as  Fanny  May.  I  don't  know  that  I  ever  was 
more  confused  in  my  life,  for  I  had  not  dreamed  of  his 
marriage,  and  was  thinking  of  Miss  Fanny  as  far  away. 
She  was  a  queen,  and  had  I  not  fallen  in  love  with  the 
Colonel's  sister,  I  can't  say  how  long  our  friendship  would 
have  been  unbroken.  The  Colonel  is  now  my  brother-in- 
law,  and  I  declare  myself  to  be  as  happy  and  proud  as 
himself,  and  I  did  not  have  occasion  to  copy  his  love-letter. 
9* 


AN  ENIGMA, 

(not  peaed's.) 

Sigh  on  tlie  Alabama's  deck,  and  ever  full  in  sight, 
My  1st  is  always  present,  and  tlie  last  to  leave  the  fight. 
My  2d  is  a  man  of  ease,  upon  whose  pillowed  breast 
The  wounded  soldier  loves  to  lean,  the  fainting  man  to 

rest. 
My  3d — the  kind  of  honors,  which,  though  worthy  of  our 

aim, 
Have  never  yet  been  reached  or  won  by  Semmes  of  naval 

fame. 
Nor  can  his  foes  impute  to  him  the  sin  that  makes  my 

4th, 
A  sin  that  bears  the  scorn  and  hate  of  all  the  brave  of 

earth. 
My  5th,  more  kind  and  Christian,  of  peace  tod  love  did 

write, 
And  to  her  moral  fictions  attention  did  invite. 


AN    ENIGMA.  203 

My  etli  gives  caste  and  dignity  unto  the  Irish  name, 

And  marks  the  patriot  for  his  wealth,  his  family,  or  his 

fame. 
Unchanged,  and  still  infallible,  ere  since  the  world  begun, 
Old  Time  has  never  moved  my  Tth,  though  he  has  moved 

the  sun. 
,  My  8th — the  earliest  bugle-note  that  leads  the  charger  on, 
•■  That  calls  up  Reynard  from  his  rest,  and  wakes  the  trem- 

blmg  fawn. 
Facing  the  east  at  early  dawn,  the  crescent  subject  prays  ; 
Unto  my  9th  ejaculates,  and  sings  Mahomet's  lays. 
My  last,  the  kind  of  pension,  to  every  traitor  due  ; 
May  this  reward,  in  our  day,  be  merited  by  few. 
Now  all  the  words  above  defined,  some  hidden  and  some 

plain. 
Reversed  and  forwards,  still  they  do  in  letters  spell  the 

same. 
Take  the  1st  letter  from  each  word,  and  place  them  side  by 

side. 
You  have  my  luliole — a  statesman's  boast — a  mighty  mon- 
arch's pride. 

Three  times  an  English  chevalier,  with  bold  and  fearless 

breast. 
Threw  down  his  knightly  gage,  and  dared  the  Turks  unto 

the  test. 


20tl:-  BILL    ARP. 

He  slew  them  one  by  one,  and  then  lie  bore  his  prize 

away, 
And  thence  he  souglit  a  distant  land,  where  pilgiims  went 

to  pray. 
But  when  misfortune  came,  and  he  laid  trembling  near  his 

grave, 
My  ivhole,  though  weak  and  powerless,  resolved  his  life  to 

save : 
The  bold  resolve  was  fortunate,  success  the  effort  crowned, 
And  "  Windso?'  Shades  "  unto  this  day  is  known  as  classic 

ground. 


THE    END. 


3?I?,OSI>ECTXJS 

OF  THE 

AND  NEW  YOEK  VINDIOATOE. 


EXLAEGEMEXT  OF  THE  PAPER 
FROM    SIXTY-FOUR    TO    EIGHTY    COLUMNS. 


•  »• 


THE  POLITICAL  PLATFORM  OP   THE  RECORD. 

After  the  publication  of  the  26th  number  of  the  RECORD,  of  last 
year,  we  increased  ITS  SIZE  from  SIXTY-FOUR  to  EIGHTY  COL- 
UMNS. IT  IS  NOW  THE  LARGEST  DEMOCRATIC  AND  FAM- 
ILY PAPER  PUBLISHED  Df  THE  UNITED  STATES;  and,  al- 
though our  expenses  are  very  heavily  increased  by  the  change,  we 
supply  the  paper  at  the  same  price.  The  reading  matter  is  of  a 
more  varied  and  interesting  character,  on  account  of  the  greater 
space  placed  at  our  disposal,  and  which  is  equal  to  FOUR  AD- 
DITIONAL PAGES,  or  SIXTEEN  COLUMNS.  We  are  encouraged 
to  this  change  by  the  success  that  has  attended  our  efforts  to  present 
the  public  with  a  paper  that  has  held  fast,  through  every  vicissitude, 
to  the  two  cardinal  principles  of  State  Rights  and  Self-Government, 
and  that  refused  amid  the  fearful  conflict  of  the  past  four  years  to 
lower  the  banner  on  which  those  principles  were  inscribed.  We  feel 
certain  that  this  effort  on  our  part  to  render  our  paper  in  every  way 
deserving  of  the  continued  support  of  our  friends,  will  be  met  by  a 
generous  and  active  cooperation  on  theirs  in  enabling  us  to  extend  its 
circulation.  We  know  it  will  gratify  them  to  be  told  that,  despite 
the  malice  and  persecution  of  our  political  enemies,  despite  the  sup- 
pression of  the  Record  and  the  arrest  of  its  editor,  despite  the  oflBcial 
power  which  was  wielded  to  our  disadvantage  and  material  injury, 
we  have  been  enabled  to  weather  the  storm  in  which  so  many  went 


down,  and  are  now  looking  forward  with  hope  to  a  greater  degree  of 
usefuhiess  in  the  future.  For  our  part,  we  have  no  change  whatever 
to  make  in  our  principles.  The  great  political  dogmas  enunciated 
by  the  men  of  1776,  are  as  true  to-day  as  they  were  then;  and, 
though  they  have  been  forgotten  by  the  people  and  trampled  under 
foot  by  arbitrary  power,  it  is  only  by  a  return  to  them  that  popular 
freedom  can  be  saved  from  the  dangers  by  which  it  is  beset,  through 
fanatics  on  the  one  hand,  and  designing  and  unprincipled  politicians 
on  the  other. 

We  see  no  reason,  after  a  full  survey  of  the  whole  pohtical  field, 
to  despair  of  the  ultimate  success  of  the  principles  for  which  we  have 
contended.  Force  has  been  appHed,  and  it  has  not  decided,  because 
it  was  not  competent  to  decide,  that  the  principles  of  State  Rights 
and  Self-Government  have  ceased  to  exist.  It  is  needless  to  pursue 
this  subject  further,  as  its  force  must  be  apparent  to  every  unbiased 
and  impartial  mind. 

The  future  is  before  us,  and  as  a  journalist  we  shall  perform  our 
duty  hereafter  as  we  have  performed  it  in  the  past.  We  have,  as  we 
said,  no  change  to  make.  The  RECORD'S  platform  of  principles  re- 
mains the  same.  It  will  be  henceforward  its  aim  to  be  a  truthful 
and  unswerving  exponent  of  State  Rights,  and  it  is  therefore  inflex- 
ibly opposed  to  the  anti-Democratic  policy  of  consolidation.  Believ- 
ing  that  popular  freedom  in  this  RepubUc  is  dependent  upon  State 
Sovereignty,  it  is  at  war  with  all  despotic  encroachments  on  that  prin- 
ciple and  the  rights  of  the  people.  It  shall  never  cease  to  advocate 
the  supremacy  of  the  Civil  Authority,  and  to  denounce  and  condemn 
the  pretensions  and  usurpations  of  Military  Power. 

In  the  future,  as  in  the  past,  the  RECORD  will  continue  the  faith- 
ful advocate  of  Democratic  principles.  It  is  true  that  recent  events, 
brought  about  by  a  fanatical  interference  with  the  rights  of  States, 
and  by  an  intolerance  of  the  Constitution  and  laws  made  in  accord- 
ance therewith,  have  caused  a  temporary  revulsion ;  but  the  princi- 
ples of  the  great  revolution  are  only  kept  in  abeyance,  and  will,  we 
believe,  be  reasserted  ere  many  years  elapse.  The  people  have  yefr 
to  learn  from  experience  that  the  lessons  and  teachings  of  the  greati 
statesmen  who  formed  the  Republic  cannot  be  set  aside  unless  by  ths 
total  overthrow  of  popular  freedom  and  self-government.  No  fact 
was  more  completely  estabhshed,  no  principle  more  thoroughly  vin- 


8 

dicated,  than  that  which  asserts  that  "  Government  derives  its  just 
powers  from  the  consent  of  the  governed,"  and  that  a  Union  which 
can  only  be  perpetuated  by  the  strong  arm  of  military  power,  must^ 
if  continued  to  be  so  sustained,  result  in  the  establishment  of  a  cen- 
tralized despotism. 

The  Record  and  Vindicator  shall  continue,  as  it  has  begun,  the 
outspoken  and  fearless  opponent  of  every  act  of  unconstitutional 
policy,  the  defender  of  the  great  Charter  of  American  Freedom,  and 
the  unflinching  advocate  of  Liberty  of  Speech,  Vote  by  Ballot,  Ha- 
beas Corpus,  Trial  by  Jury,  Freedom  of  the  Press,  and  State  Rights. 

LITERARY    DEPARTMENT. 

We  devote  special  attention  to  this  part  of  the  Record,  as  each 
number  bears  ample  testimony,  and  the  "  Portfolio  "  is  one  of  its 
best  and  most  successful  features,  blending,  as  it  does,  the  humorous 
and  the  poetical  with  light  sketches,  anecdotes,  and  incidents  in  end- 
less variety.  All  the  contributions  to  this  department  are  original, 
and  the  general  approbation  with  which  it  has  been  received  by  the 
reading  public  stamps  it  as  a  complete  success.  We  may  add  that 
the  original  poetry,  which  appears  in  this  and  other  parts  of  the 
paper,  is  not  surpassed,  if  it  is  equalled,  by  any  journal,  American  or 
European. 

THE    FICTIONAL    DEPARTMENT. 

While  ignoring  the  unhealthy  and  sensational  style  of  too  many 
of  the  current  periodicals,  we  aim  to  make  this  department  unsur- 
passed in  point  of  interest  to  the  best  works  of  imagination,  and 
shall  leave  nothing  xmdone  to  render  it  equal,  in  its  collection  of 
original  stories  and  tales,  to  the  most  popular  and  highest  class  of 
the  fictional  productions  of  the  day.  We  are  determined  that  no 
paper  shall  excel  ours  in  this  important  feature,  and  that  the  younger 
portion  of  our  patrons  will  find  in  its  entertaining  and  pleasant 
reading  a  happy  substitute  for  the  dubious  kind  with  which  the 
country  is  unfortunately  flooded. 

THE    EDITORIAL    DEPARTMENT. 

In  our  poHtical  platform  we  have  presented  the  principles  of  the 
Record,  and  it  shall  be  hereafter,  as  it  has  been  in  the  past,  our 
great  object  to  sustain  its  reputation  in  this  great  and  vital  particu- 


4 

lar.  The  frank  and  outspoken  manner  vnth  which  all  the  subjects 
that  properly  come  within  the  scope  of  this  department  have  been 
treated,  wiU  be  adhered  to  throughout.  The  editor  firmly  believes 
that  the  principles  which  he  advocated  and  sustained  during  the 
late  fierce  and  bloody  four  years'  war,  are,  if  possible,  more  essential 
now  than  ever,  and  that  in  their  success  alone  can  the  great  Revolu- 
tion of  "76  find  its  best  and  most  practical  development. 

THE   NEWS    DEPARTMENT. 

It  is  our  aim  to  give  in  the  Record  a  complete  resume  of 
news,  both  through  the  correspondence  and  the  general  intelligence, 
prepared  expressly  for  its  columns.  Our  Foreign  and  Domestic 
Summary,  in  which  the  important  intelligence  of  the  day  is  given,  is  all 
rewritten,  so  that  our  readers  are  saved  the  trouble  of  poring  over 
long  and  tedious  statements  and  accoimts  to  get  at  the  points  of  the 
news.  The  commendation  which  this  department  of  the  Record  has 
generally  received  is  the  best  proof  of  its  success. 

MISCELLANEOUS. 

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RARE  BOOK 
COLLECTION 


THE  LIBRARY  OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 

AT 

CHAPEL  HILL 

Wilmer 

1004 

C.2 


